To feel a sad

[Heartofglass12345]

Hi. This is my first ever post but I just wanted to get my feelings out I suppose.
I have 2 lovely boys aged 6&4, who were both premature. My oldest was born at 30+4 and my youngest was born at 33 weeks.
I had to wait hours to even see them after they were born as they needed ventilating as they weren't breathing. I had to wait 2 days to hold my oldest and 5 days to hold my youngest.
Apart from my youngest giving us a scare by stopping breathing when he had bronchiolitis when he was a few weeks old, they have both done really well. Their SCBU stays weren't eventful, they did everything they needed to and came home.
I know how lucky we were to have and bring home two healthy premature babies, but lately I've been thinking about it more and more and feeling like I really missed out. I think it's because we probably aren't going to have anymore children and I will never know what it feels like to hold my newborn baby straight away, and not have all the worry of them being in SCBU and having to go home without them every day, waking up in the night to express milk without my baby being there. I feel like I was cheated out of the end of my pregnancy, and out of having a 'normal' birth.
Then I feel guilty when I think about those parents who didn't get to bring their babies home which makes me feel worse
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading!

It’s perfectly understandable for you to feel that way. Perhaps some counselling would help you?

YANBU, you can't help how you feel about events surrounding their birth - a good outcome doesn't negate the traumatic elements of having a baby in SCBU. Have you tried talking to BLISS ? Talking to other mums that have been through similar might help you move on from it.
www.bliss.org.uk/

It is understandable, but not doing you any good. You may need some help processing it, if not it will get in the way of enjoying your babies

That's the thing, they aren't babies anymore they are 6&4. I've always got a bit upset looking at photos etc but lately I've been thinking about it more. I think it's because we won't be having anymore kids so I'll never get the chance a to have a normal birth and be able to hold my baby. I've considered counselling but it was so long ago I would feel a bit silly. I had no input from bliss or anyone else really while they were in hospital, we were just kind of left to get on with it.

OP is okay to feel that you missed out on something, your feelings and sadness are your own - they are not silly.

I had twins, premature in neonatal. It was a very scary time, After being tube fed my babies refused to suckle. So all dreams breastfeeding went out of the window. Breastpump, pads tops, bras were giving away. Despite being disappointed, I thought I coped with really well until I was buying formula in BOOTS (with my double buggy) and I was told there are no BOOTS points on formula as they want to encourage women to breastfeed. I began crying saying 'its not my fault they were prem babies'. Thinking back I was mortified and they Boots ladies were very sweet to me - I dodged that branch for years after.

I do think we are all a victim of the magazine/TV/film perfect life syndrome - soulmates, women orgasming after 10 seconds, Boden catalogue family photos etc. And that perfect moment they hand the baby over is another one. Some have it and some don't.

Could this sadness be linked to the age of your children. You say they are 4 and 6 so in school and nursery, gaining some independence and the baby toddler state is over and if you have decided your family is complete, perhaps it's all linked and bringing it back.

Go and get some counselling. No one will think you are silly. Good luck OP.

I fully understand. My son was premature and I didn't see him until the next day 14 hours after he was born. That was forty years ago. And if I think about it it still really upsets me as I remember standing looking into the incubator and I felt he had nothing to do with me. He is a lovely son. So if you can access some counselling I think that would be wise.

And if I think about it it still really upsets me as I remember standing looking into the incubator and I felt he had nothing to do with me

Wow. That is exactly how I felt, nearly 40 years ago, when I looked at DD1 in her incubator. Seeing it written down makes me think it all over again.

I was so disconnected.

OP - I understand. I think some counselling would not go amiss.

I know what you mean, it felt exactly like they weren't mine, having to ask to hold them etc was so hard. No one else I know has been through it either or even had an unwell baby at birth (which I'm glad of obviously) so people just think you're ok.
Thank you for your replies it's given me something to think about, I definitely think it's because I'm accepting it will never happen for me now.

I could have written your post myself - my baby was a 33 weeker. I needed therapy to get past my issues with his birth.

Just because it's several years later doesn't mean you've resolved the feelings you have around their birth - please do look into counselling - I can't even describe how much better I feel now compared to before.

My boys are 7 and 10 born at 30 and 31 weeks. I feel the same.

Plus I feel guilt - it’s my body that is shit. H would love a 3rd it will never happen with me. H sees friends holding their newborns - he never had that. Plus ds1 has deafness and it has a huge impact on his life and will continue to do so. That’s my fault.

So yes sadness and guilt. You are not alone. Big hugs op

Plus I feel guilt - it’s my body that is shit.
Your body produced two healthy little boys.

That’s my fault.
No it isn't.

@MrsPear Please seek counselling - you don't have to just accept and live with these feelings.

Your body isn't shit, but I understand how you feel. They never found out why I went into early labour, so I've always wondered if it was something I did/ didn't do, was I too overweight etc but I'll never know