‘Constructive criticism’ in a relationship?

[Valentinesblues]

Last night I ended up in a mini row with taking myself off to bed early.

He said some pretty hurtful things about my personality and none of it being constructive.

This morning he said that in a relationship we should be able to offer constructive criticism to each other.

A shit sandwich is sometimes hard to swallow but pure downfalls isn’t never going to be swallowed. Maybe I’m just being sensitive?

YANBU what exactly did he say? Was it “your breath smells can you see a dentist” because I think that’s ok but if it’s more than that?

A lot more information and background is required here. If it really was useful constructive criticism and just hard for you to hear is very different to a constant drip, drip, drip of never measuring up to his self imposed high standards.

I started a new hobby to get myself out in the evenings as I work from home during the day.

I’ve decided to quit my hobby as I’m not enjoying it - not very good at it, haven’t warmed to it, not a huge fan of the instructor, I don’t get home until late therefore I’m knackered the day afterwards etc etc. I paid with my own money, my other hobby I’ve done for over ten years therefore I’m not particularly walking around wasting people’s money/wasting other peoples time etc.

When I said I wasn’t going last night he said I should learn some resilience, that he cants believe I’ve wasted money on it (can get a lot of it back), And that there’s no point me starting anything else new If I’m just going to be a quitter. He literally spoke to me like I was 8 years old quitting the clarinet after begging for one for years.

This really isn’t the end of the world that I’ve tried something and decided that it’s not for me.

So are you supposed to work on these personality issues now to come up to his standards?

Has this happened before and how does he react when you criticise him?

How does he react if you offer him “constructive criticism”.

My DH can be blunt about some things e.g. you need to lose weight comments. However, he will fully accept if the same thing is said to him.

If it’s a one way street or it carries on when you are clearly upset then I would be concerned that it is controlling behaviour.

I don’t think that criticising someone’s personality can ever be acceptable. Criticising behaviour can sometimes be acceptable, depending on the context, and whether it’s done with love and respect.

Ok, read your update now. Is this a pattern with you? If it is then he might have a point, but otherwise it seems OTT. You're an adult, it's your decision.

If I were you I'd be wondering what his plans had been for the evenings when I wasn't home.

What did he say?

I don't think personal criticisms are ever helpful. It's fine to ask someone "could you please try to do XYZ" but if you say "you're always so...." it's not constructive and it's just going to annoy them.

OP, how about you show him some resilience by telling him to fxxk off and mind his own business.

Further resilience could be shown by telling him he is a judgemental prat and that you didn't ask him for his opinion on your hobby.

He doesn't sound nice...but I think you know that.

A final dose of resilience could be shown by telling him that when you want your personality critiqued by him YOU'LL tell him ...twat.

Does your partner think he is your headteacher?
Does he imagine it's up to him to mark you for effort about your own hobbies?
Does he fail to understand that it's your life, your choice, & none of his business?

It sounds like he is negging you to keep your confidence low.
Speaking to you as if you are a recalcitrant 8 year old ... how can you put up with that? Why not find a new hobby, & dump this critical arse?

Im the same as you but I don’t see it as lacking reliance instead I believe I am enjoying life and giving things a go. It’s a family joke that I am a butterfly and my daughter is the same. My husband will give a lot of thought to taking on a new hobby or trying a new experience whereas I will see something and think that sounds interesting and just jump in.
I have also made some great friends doing this.
My husband sometimes gently teases me about the riding hat I bought and only used once (and still have just in case I have the time, money and inclination to try again)!
My response is that I’m enjoying all the experience that life brings. Some things I stick to and others I try once or a few times and don’t bother again. Occasionally I drag him along - I took him on a pottery wheel day once and he was better than me!!
However, I am aware I am like this so I don’t spend a lot of money on an activity until I’ve tried it for a while and am reasonably comfortable I am going to stick to it. Workshops and activity days are great for birthday gift ideas.
Your husband is clearly different to you - tell him you appreciate his comment but although you no longer enjoy the hobby you enjoyed giving it a go and look forward to trying lots of stuff and enjoying life. Talk about how people are different and you accept he and you are different but what a great team you are and great it is to see your different approaches - maybe one day he’d like to jump in with you and try something impulsive.
Embrace your inner butterfly and enjoy life.

PS After years of trying different exercise and struggling to find one I enjoyed I tried yoga. Kept at it and am now a qualified teacher. I love my yoga and my mental and physical well-being has hugely improved. Yoga has changed my life but I wouldn’t have found it if I hadn’t given it a go.

It’s really not a pattern.

I think the only other thing I gave up was the gym but that’s because it’s a lot of money a month, parking/traffic was a nightmare and I wasn’t using it enough. I’m slim and fairly fit, it was just something for me to enjoy.

I’ve had hobbies in the past and I’ve always done them until either I’ve moved house/sessions ended/ran their natural cause.

Ive never had a job for less than a year with professional jobs always being a couple of years or longer - never out of employment.

The only thing I do moan about is being stuck in the house and I naturally end up doing more chores.

I never give him ‘constructive criticism’, or rant at him. I think he should shower more, learn to clean up after himself properly and maybe stop slacking at work as it’s going to rub people up the wrong way. The only thing I can think of is when I say things like ‘can you put washing up liquid in the pots to soak as they’re a pain to wash in the morning’.

Is it because he likes having time to himself when you're out?

Maybe you should offer him some 'constructive criticism' on the points above, then, and remind him that he said himself you should be able to do that in a relationship. He sounds more in need of self improvement than you!

He realises that hobbies are optional right? You don't need to 'learn resilience' to do something that you have chosen voluntarily for your own enjoyment.

We’ve had a chat about it over the phone earlier.

He’s sorry that he upset me but doesn’t seem too sorry that he went OTT and therefore he’s made me feel really shit.

He’s still chirping on that apparently constructive criticism is healthy in a relationship and that he’d expect the same from me. I can’t imagine having a go at another adult and bringing in personal traits as constructive criticism. He says he wants to be bring the best out of me but I think I’m doing hella lot better than him when it comes to life right now.

He’s going to be home from work soon and I really can’t seem to shake off this funk towards him.

Well he might be okay with receiving 'constructive criticism', but you're not. So he can be constructively advised to refrain from giving it, because you don't want to hear it. Can he cope with that constructive feedback, and adhere to it?

He’s sorry that he upset me but doesn’t seem too sorry that he went OTT and therefore he’s made me feel really shit.

He’s still chirping on that apparently constructive criticism is healthy in a relationship and that he’d expect the same from me.

How does he square "I'm sorry" with "I'll do this again any time I like because, erm, Reasons"?
Essentially he is allowing himself to say any hurtful & destructive thing that comes into his head, & you are meant to suck it upo because it's "healthy"?
Who died & made him a top psychologist & relationship guru?

He’s going to be home from work soon and I really can’t seem to shake off this funk towards him
I think he's given you "The Ick" OP.
Once received, it's almpst impossible to shake off.
www.refinery29.com/en-gb/the-ick-unattracted-in-relationships

You could try giving him the constructive feedback that you find his behaviour unattractive, his negging abusive, & his ticking-off ridiculous. Oh, & he stinks & needs to shower, & his slacking is going to land him in shit at work.
See how he likes that.
Then tell him to get to fuck?

Well if he's so happy with constructive criticism I would start with, "When you don't shower, you smell. And you're going to lose your job soon if you don't work a bit harder - nobody will like having to carry you. And if I was a quitter, I would've left you long ago."

At face value, it’s pretty OTT. If you explained you were not carrying on with something, the correct answer is ‘oh, ok, that’s a shame’ etc and maybe ‘why?’ The other stuff is odd unless there’s a back story.

I think this is very tricky: there is a place for "constructive criticism" in two cases in my view:

a) where its negatively impacting the relationship -- ie it has a blowback onto the partner (so, for example, heavy drinking, not pulling weight in the home)

b) or where its something which is clearly upsetting the person to whom the criticism is being given or presenting a major impact in their life. So for example if you were trying and failing to find a job and if it were really miserable, it would be reasonable for him to say your CV needed some work.

Other than that, and if its something which doesn't directly have a bearing on him, I don't think it really is constructive. If you try something for a bit and then decide not to do it its ultimately none of his beeswax unless he's paid for it or your not doing it is creating a headache for him.

I can't judge whether you really do need resilience or not but its at best a very subjective view and open to interpretation.

I'm always suspicious when someone says they're offering "constructive criticism". More often than not they're just having a whinge to suit their own agenda.

Thepeople has it about right with 'constructive criticism'; only rarely does criticism of any sort have a place in a healthy supportive adult relationship. Your DH needs to look up what constructive criticism actually means. Most people haven't a clue.

It does not involve labelling either people or behaviours. It has a specific, defined end in mind, usually the completion or result of a task. It can sometimes be part of facing up to difficult or dysfunctional patterns of behaviour, but only in a supportive, validating context. It generally involves suggesting alternatives, sharing knowledge and experience and allowing space for the criticised person to take it all on board. It is never about power and control. And I'll reiterate that in a domestic relationship context, where each person has their own feelings and consciousness, the idea that that consciousness needs 'criticising' is an utter nonsense.

No wonder you have the ick OP.

You don't need his constructive criticism re your decision to drop or change a hobby.

Him being a smelly, lazy git to be around, who could end up losing his job, now that could use a bit of constructive criticism.

Might be a good idea to have a bit of a think if he's really good enough for you.