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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To confront my partner about his cannabis use?

5 replies

greengang321 · 27/02/2020 09:03

We’ve been together for 2 years and he’s suffered with depression 4x already.

I’m not sure if it’s the weed causing his low mood, or because he’s in a low mood he’s smoking more?

I can see the signs as before and in a few weeks he’ll be locking himself away and being on a complete down for a couple of months.

He reckons weed helps (only started smoking it just over a year ago) as it means he can think about things that happened in his childhood but I can’t afford to loose him again for a few months.

He’s very very defensive- tries to keep his habit secret from me but as you can smell it a mile away I know he’s smoking every night.

OP posts:
redcarbluecar · 27/02/2020 09:10

I don’t see why you shouldn’t raise it with him. His habit is affecting you - it sounds very draining. It also sounds - without meaning to be unsympathetic to his issues- as if he’s being rather self centred- not conducive to a healthy relationship perhaps, if it carries on.

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 27/02/2020 09:14

I would focus more on getting him the help he obviously needs. What happened in his childhood that was so traumatising he’s using cannabis to cope with it?

greengang321 · 27/02/2020 09:20

@northern

I was thinking that as I was typing, suggesting he goes to therapy or at least sees a GP. I’m just more worried now as he seems to have a couple of months fine and then a couple of months down.

He thinks about his parents breaking up and his mums bad mental health. He lost an auntie he was found of a few years ago so he’s still getting over that.

OP posts:
messolini9 · 27/02/2020 09:28

Whatever the childhood events are, he is doing himself no good by self-medicating & locking himelf away to brood.
He needs professional help.
Cannabis can act as a depressant, so it is ridiculous to attempt to "treat" himself for depression by abusing it.
Smoking every night is going to make him more withdrawn, more paranoid, less confident, less acute, & less motivated.

Depression is an awful thing, but can be managed if the patient is willing. However ... your partner appears unwilling, & instead wants to exacerbate his problems by hiding away with the 'comfort' of his new-found drug of choice. You are clearly concerned about him - but he appears to have no such concern for you.

It is worrying that you feel the need to ask a bunch of strangers on the net whether you would be unreasonable to 'confront' him.
YANBU.
What would be unreasonable is continuing to pour love & concern into a hopeless situation when your partner is refusing to take a single positive step to help himself.
It is not your job to fix him.
He has disapperared up his own fundament 4 times now. What makes you feel that this time, or the next time, or the time after that, are going to be any different?

btw - there is no need to "confront" him.
Simply tell him your position: you love him, & care about him & his MH, but are not prepared to sit by while he destroys himself.
He either accesses specialist MH support for whatever his childhood issues are, & GP help with clinical medication for the depression, or you can no longer bear to watch him treat himself so badly, & are not going to be around to pick up the pieces.

It's Tough Love OP - & you need to adopt it right now, before you too are ground down with the waste & sorrow of it. He needs to help himself, he has no right to expect you to condone his desire to wallow in a misery he is doing nothing to resolve.

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