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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so sad about this?

23 replies

iMoan7 · 26/02/2020 23:37

I had a close friend a few years ago. She was a lovely, happy, optimistic, beautiful, intelligent person. I moved away, had babies. She had a high flying career and did so well for herself. I hadnt seen her in five years or so. But we kept in touch on Facebook and she was always just “there”.

And then she died last week. Really suddenly. In fairly horrific, sad circumstances. She just died.

I feel so upset about her death. I can’t stop thinking about her. I can’t seem to process it at all.

Her funeral is on Friday. I don’t know what to do. It’s far away. I could take the day off and go (and some of our mutual friends expect me to be there) but I feel like it’ll just be horrendous and I don’t know if I can face it.

I feel daft, feeling this way. It had been such a long time since I’d seen her I almost feel like I don’t have the “right” to grieve her. Our lives just took different paths. But her death has knocked me sideways a bit.

Is this normal?

OP posts:
BritneyPeedOnALadybug · 26/02/2020 23:41

Oh I’m so sorry OP. That must be heartbreaking. Flowers I haven’t been in this situation myself. Do you think you might regret it if you don’t go? Even though you hadn’t physically seen her for a while it sounds like you were still close to each other online. I just wouldn’t want you to not go and then feel like you made a mistake. You have every right to grieve your friend. You will also have other friends to look after you and support each other. I’m not saying you have to but I think you might really regret it if you don’t. I’m so sorry again Flowers

Notimeforaname · 26/02/2020 23:43

I'm so sorry this happened. Flowers

Of course you have the right to grieve, this is totally normal. And you are still in shock.

Do not feel pressured by other people to attend the funeral.
You do what you feel.

You can pay your respects in other ways. You can send flowers or a card to her family or simply have an evening where you light a candle for her and remember the times you had together.
Once again, I'm very sorry OP. Flowers

Original poster
iMoan7 · 26/02/2020 23:44

It’s fair to say that we drifted over the years. I suppose I wouldn’t really say we were close online laterally. We did try to be but you know how these things go.

It just seems such a waste.

OP posts:
P1nkHeartLovesCake · 26/02/2020 23:45

I’d go to the funeral out of respect for the time before we grew apart, a thanks if you like for the memories.

Just because you grew apart doesn’t mean you can’t be sad! She was someone you knew. She has sadly died of course you can be sad lovely, that’s normal

Original poster
iMoan7 · 26/02/2020 23:45

Thank you both xx

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 26/02/2020 23:47

I hope you feel at little better soon OP xx

Notimeforaname · 26/02/2020 23:48
  • a little
Original poster
iMoan7 · 26/02/2020 23:49

Thank you x

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 26/02/2020 23:50

But if you need/want to talk or vent, we're always here Flowers

Grandmi · 26/02/2020 23:54

Oh bless you. We all get to know and care about people in our lives and then for different reasons we grow apart but it doesn’t change how we originally felt about that person. Go to her funeral and have your own special thoughts about her 💐💕

AmelieV · 26/02/2020 23:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
iMoan7 · 27/02/2020 00:33

Thank you all.

2020 can fuck off, in all honestly. Just been one shitty piece of news after another.

OP posts:
porple · 27/02/2020 00:36

do what you feel op, im so sorry about your friendFlowers

WorraLiberty · 27/02/2020 00:43

You have every right to grieve her OP.

Grief is as individual as people and relationships are.

If you feel like you can't face the actual funeral then you don't have to. There are many different ways of paying respects and attending a funeral is just one of many Thanks

My Dad is 87, he's been widowed, seen all of his siblings die apart from one brother and he's the first to say, "Dying is sad for the dead but it's far worse for the living".

In other words, the living are the ones left to deal with the grief and they should be allowed to deal with it in their own way.

KC225 · 27/02/2020 00:49

Sorry for your loss OP.

In my experience, you never regret going to a funeral but you may regret not going.

stonebrambleboy · 27/02/2020 09:52

You do have the right to grieve, she was your friend. You are having difficulty processing it as you are in shock, this is normal you are not 'daft'.
Don't worry about what your mutual friends expect do what's right for you on Friday.
As others have said sit quietly and light a candle and reflect and remember the good times x

Delbelleber · 27/02/2020 10:00

I think anyone you know dying before their old age is a shock. I recently heard about a friend I had as a teenager that died. It's just unthinkable someone my age could be dead. I thought about going to the funeral but decided not to. She was in my thoughts and that was enough for me.
Flowers

namechangin · 27/02/2020 10:02

I'm so sorry for your loss. Today is the one year anniversary of a friend who died aged 19, it gets easier but it's still hard at times as she was so young

stonebrambleboy · 01/03/2020 12:23

How are you OP?

purplepandas · 01/03/2020 12:26

I am really sorry to hear about the news of your friend op. Grief is hard and unpredictable. It totally makes sense that you feel the way you do. Sending love your way. Flowers

Original poster
iMoan7 · 01/03/2020 17:19

Hi thanks for asking how I am. I am alright. I didn’t go on Friday and I think it was the right call. Apparently it was just awful and my friends mother was in a terrible state Sad on Friday night I dug out some old photos from the loft and I lit a candle and just thought about her for a little while.

I think the initial shock has passed. Now I just feel sad.

OP posts:
user1423578854468 · 01/03/2020 17:26

I'm sorry. Take care of yourself as best you can. Sending love Flowers

stonebrambleboy · 01/03/2020 20:35

It is hard but will get better Flowers

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