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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to take eldest out of school for the day

28 replies

StartofSomethingNew · 26/02/2020 23:00

I'm really struggling with my relationship with my 7 year old DD since I have had a baby.
For context, before the baby arrived we were very close, probably intensified by the fact we have no support around us (DP works all hours and family don't live locally). However, since the baby has arrived DD naturally gets less attention (a lot less). She has never been demanding of attention before, has lots of friends for play dates and will take herself off to play on her own.
Since the baby has arrived I feel like she is doing too much of playing on her own (not through her own choice) and whenever she asks for me I'm always too busy dealing with the baby (or that's how it feels - and she does get upset about this - she will take herself off to cry (quietly) then try and pretend she is crying about something else - e.g. "I just accidentally bit my tongue").
She is at school Monday-Friday, has an after school activity 2 nights a week and has things on on Saturday and Sunday - all her choice of things (plus the party/playdate invites she gets).
By the time I've picked her up from school, sorted her and the baby's food and bath, plus her reading books and homework, I feel like I have barely seen her.
I'm going back to full time work soon (no option for reduced hours) and it's panicking me. I really want to do something special, just me and her...see a show, maybe afternoon tea, that sort of thing.
The only way I could realistically do it would be whilst my baby has settling in sessions at nursery before I go back to work, so I'd have to take DD out of school for the day/half day. AIBU to do that?

OP posts:

Yesmate · 26/02/2020 23:02

I wouldn’t hesitate. Go and have a lovely day with your DD.

RevealTheHiddenBeach · 26/02/2020 23:02

I would do it in a heartbeat. She will learn better when she feels loved - that is far more valuable than one day of school.

MyOtherProfile · 26/02/2020 23:03

I wouldn't take her out of school but I would do something like pay a baby sitter for the baby, or make sure I do something with her when the baby is asleep.

I would also block some time at the weekends not just for you and her but for you four as a family. Perhaps she is doing too many activities.

SuburbanFraggle · 26/02/2020 23:05

Just spend the weekend with her.

How often will she need a day away from school? Once a month, once a week? It's not a good road to start down. She's not at school for long, probably enjoys it. Take her out for ice-cream when you pick her up or something like that

MyOtherProfile · 26/02/2020 23:06

Yes that's what I was thinking. You need something that you can continue rather than a one off solution.

IDrinkFromTheKegOfGlory · 26/02/2020 23:08

Sounds like a wonderful idea and very valuable for her at the moment. A one-off day like that is no issue (assuming her attendance is generally fine) and it sounds like it would have massive benefits. And I say that as a teacher.

blinded101 · 26/02/2020 23:10

I would take her out for the day I think it will be more than worthwhile. I also agree that you need a long term arrangement. Could you leave the baby with dp on Saturday or Sunday mornings and do an activity with her or go out for breakfast and then spend the rest of the day all together?

SquashedFlyBiscuit · 26/02/2020 23:13

Do you have a partner who can take baby some evenings/at the weekend so you can have a special thing just you and dd? Can you read to dd at night just you and her? Can you play with dd intentionally at times so the focus is on her? When she asks for you can you take baby with you and play with her? Or tell her youd really like to but must do xyz with baby first and then you will help her?

meredithgrey1 · 26/02/2020 23:14

How often will she need a day away from school? Once a month, once a week? It's not a good road to start down.

But if OP is going back to work full time soon then the opportunity won't be there for this to happen again anyway.

I'd do it.

Iconapop · 26/02/2020 23:14

Absolutely do it. I hope you both have a lovely time.

Original poster

StartofSomethingNew · 26/02/2020 23:16

Yes, she had her 100% attendance last year and got her certificate and badge, which she was very proud of.
Her activities are things she has chosen to do, at the weekend they just fall on awkward times I suppose, so the baby is awake during these times and then wants feeding etc once they are over.
Once I am back at work it will be much easier to book half day once a month or so and take her for a treat, just me and her, then pick the baby up from nursery later. Just right now, it is breaking my heart and I just really want to fit something in with her but kind of without her realising or without me disrupting the things she enjoys.

OP posts:

SquashedFlyBiscuit · 26/02/2020 23:18

It doesnt have to be the big things . Can she watch a programme with you while baby feeds. Or tell you a story or something? Or play nearby. Can you say "dd Ive got 10mins, what shall we play?"

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 26/02/2020 23:20

Put the baby down more? It doesn't need to be a big thing, just make a conscious effort not to be too busy when she asks, or if it's unavoidable ask for her help while you do x with baby then you can all do y (whatever she wanted) together. My second born spent more time in swings/bouncers etc than my first because I had to make sure that I had enough capacity for both of them.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 26/02/2020 23:22

It's not a huge deal in the circumstances (and I'm usually v intolerant of taking out of school) but this situation doesn't sound that sustainable - can your DP really not make a bit more time for his family?

Original poster

StartofSomethingNew · 26/02/2020 23:26

Yes I try and do this. It does sometimes work out but not often. I feel bad complaining as the baby is not demanding either, it just feels like DD is the one who has the raw deal as she is the eldest and obviously the baby can't do anything by itself yet.

OP posts:

Orgasmrendition · 26/02/2020 23:28

I did it with my 6yr old during my youngest's settling in days at nursery. We went bowling and to mcdonalds. Apart from a day off for a funeral it was the day of school she missed and I think at that age some things are just that little bit more important. When she realised that her sister was going to nursery and it was just the two of us for the day, she was ridiculously excited and I think it was completely worthwhile

Dupsy · 26/02/2020 23:33

Could anyone suggest the best secondary school in Lewisham Borough

Floralnomad · 26/02/2020 23:33

I doubt one half day of doing something together is going to make a massive difference to her , it just makes you feel better . You could just as easily fit in a few hours around her weekend activities , or just miss a session at one of those .

Chillicheese123 · 26/02/2020 23:41

I’d do it. It’s the kind of thing she’ll remember for a long time. Small things like that can make a really massive difference to some kids, especially little girls I find (please don’t jump on me I’m just going off my own parenting and family experience!)

Chillicheese123 · 26/02/2020 23:43

When baby’s older and in nursery your routine will be different and you’ll all rub along nicely but for now yeah.. do it!

Atilathehunter · 26/02/2020 23:45

Was coming on to say that UWBU as I’m pretty puritanical about school attendance but having read your post, in your situation I would absolutely do the same as a one off.

Original poster

StartofSomethingNew · 26/02/2020 23:46

Thank you for all of your replies. I did try to reply to each comment on here but this is my first post so I'm not really sure what I am doing.
I think I will take her out of school for the day/half day. As I have said, her attendance has been 100%. She is also over achieving for her year group so I don't think she will fall behind for the sake of one day/half day.
My partner is self employed. With all the will in in the world, he might say he will be home for X O'clock but then get stuck on the job and be home late. This also backs other jobs up. Obviously this causes arguments as it puts a lot of pressure on me but it is the situation we are in.
I read to DD every night and her to me.
Putting baby down more - as I said in an earlier comment, the baby is not at all demanding, not constantly picked up etc. It just seems like the timings between DD and the baby needing/wanting attention are mixed. I have tried to change the babies routine to no avail. I'm hoping nursery will help as they have some magic formula to get all babies to sleep right after lunch

OP posts:

Scotmummy1216 · 26/02/2020 23:56

Enjoy a lovely day out with your daughter what a lovely thing to do together :) ive recently had my second and know how difficult it can be to balance time. My eldest is 2 though so not at nursery yet.

SquashedFlyBiscuit · 26/02/2020 23:58

Also Start - it is really hard. My husband worked away and we didnt have family support. I absolutely envied those families where granny could take baby for a walk so you could do something with the other one! But also this stage will pass.... it sounds like you are a great mum and really thinking about your daughter and her needs. Have you hears about the "good enough " mother?

Original poster

StartofSomethingNew · 27/02/2020 00:10

@SquashedFlyBiscuit no, I haven't heard of it but I'm off to google it now, thanks :)

OP posts:

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