To complain?

[JBCG]

I'm still a little in shock writing this and I'm not sure if I'm just overreacting because of the stressful week I've had or whether I should actually complain. I apologise for the length of this post but don't want to drip feed!

Background is that DS (10 months) became ill over the weekend and we had to spend a few days in hospital. He was discharged yesterday with instructions to just keep an eye on him but that he was much better. I spent the morning with him this morning and he did seem a lot better. He then went to my PIL in the afternoon so that I could pop into work for a few hours as I'd been off Monday and Tuesday with him. They were told exactly what to look out for and were keeping a very close eye on him.

A nurse then called me this afternoon to check in on him and I advised that he still had a high temperature but that he was being monitored closely and administering calpol/nurofen as per their instructions. She said she'd like him to pop back to the hospital to be checked. I said of course, what time should I bring him? She said any time was fine. I advised I'd bring him up once I'd finished work.

Her entire demeanour on the phone then changed and she said quite sternly 'oh well you're obviously not concerned about him at all if you're happy to leave him'. I said 'he's with his grandparents but I had to pop into work for a few hours as I've been off all week, they're keeping a close eye on him'. She then said again 'well I guess we don't need to see him if you're happy to leave him .. I just thought you were concerned so was happy to review him but if you're not sat with him worrying and have gone to work instead then you must think he's fine'. I said I would leave work immediately to bring him up to be reviewed.

I obviously feel terrible about the fact that I couldn't be with him, but he was much better and I work for a small business that's going through a very busy time so I needed to go in quickly to get a few things done.

I don't know whether I'm just being overly sensitive because I'm worried about him and stressed that I did have to leave him for a few hours or whether she was actually mum shaming me and it's grounds to write a strongly worded letter. It's hard to convey her tone, but I really felt like she just suddenly got very 'off' with me when she found out I had gone into work.

Please be kind but tell me if I am being overly sensitive!

Sorry but I think yabu. I wouldnt have left a baby who had only been discharged from hospital the day before and needed monitored, no matter how good grandparents are.

I can see why she was annoyed.

YANBU. If you trust the grandparents why can’t you go to work for a few hours? I’d complain - I’d imagine you’ve had a rough enough week and felt guilty as it was without having it piled on.

Has anyone guilted the child’s other parent for not being there?(assuming involvement since you say PIL OP)

I’m sorry but I agree with @Waveysnail, I wouldn’t have left him either.

I’m sorry you’re going through such a stressful time and I hope your DS is ok.

What on earth is wrong with grandparents keeping an eye on a recovering baby? You sound like you trust your PIL and made a decision based on how your DS was this morning because you know him best. I would feel exactly the same as you although I probably wouldn't complain because of the mum-shamers who I feel would come out in force. I assume there was no issue with your DH going to work today for example...

He was discharged yesterday, you were told to keep an eye on him, you took him to your pils, he still has a high temperature.
And you want to complain about the nurse ???

@Waveysnail I appreciate your honesty and if I could have avoided it I definitely would have. When I say monitored, I just meant checking his temperature to see that it was staying stable (which it had been for the last day in hospital and this morning).

But yes I know I should have stayed with him and I really would have if I could have.

My AIBU was more about whether the nurse had spoken to me rudely or not rather than me leaving him (as I know ideally I shouldn't have). Sorry I may not have articulated that very well.

That's more my point, no one questioned whether DP went to work or not .. but she shamed me for going.

Yanbu. You left him with someone safe and for short period of time. I would complain

I don't think YABU at all. As if you didn't feel stressed enough having to leave your baby, you then have to suffer Nurse Judgy Pants! Obviously you wouldn't have left your baby with the PILs unless you really needed to. She could have been kinder and more understanding. FWIW it sounds like you are a really responsible person and I hope your baby is soon 100%.

The child was left with responsible adults who were aware of, and following, medical advice regarding monitoring and administering of medication.

How is this in any way not acceptable?

Why can a grandparent not provide sufficient care?

That's awful. She was rude and frankly she didn't ask if you'd left your child with their father for goodness sake! Would you be a bad mother then? (Her tone implies this by all accounts). You should be able to trust your parents or your in laws to look after your baby for a few hours without being castigated for it.

She was unnecessarily rude!

I think she was being VU. You made an informed decision based on your knowledge of the situation which was more than hers. Would it have made a difference if you were sitting and worrying? No, he’d either be recovering or not, regardless of who was monitoring him. I sodding hate that kind of attitude.

What is wrong with some people on here and the nurse too. He was being very well looked after by his grandparents. As @mynameiscalypso said, no one is berating her dh for working. And some people don't have sympathetic employers to take time off once baby is discharged. You are no less worried than you would have been had you stayed at home with him. It doesn't mean you are not concerned at all. Shame on all those judging. I am actually cross on your behalf op. Yanbu!!

YANBU. Your PIL have presumably raised DCs of their own and are more than capable of watching your DS. They will be as vigilant as you would be in making sure he’s okay, no different than leaving him with your DH, and people wouldn’t say YABU if left with him. Don’t beat yourself up over this OP. It’s bloody difficult juggling childcare with working - I would have done exactly the same as you.

Who was the nurse that called you? OP i am sorry but I don’t believe your interpretation of events to be the facts.

Nurses who work telephone triage are highly trained and even if they were shit, they know they are being recorded and and such subjective judgement could lose them their job.

I’m wondering if you are feeling guilty about leaving DC (which I Dont think you should as long as he is with a capabl adult) and you are over thinking??

YANBU. You clearly felt your DS was on the mend and in capable hands, that’s fine, presumably you would have left if your PIL had felt concerned. It was the nurse who suggested to bring your DS back in not you, again if you’d felt he needed to checked I’m sure you would have contacted the nurse yourself. If the nurse acted as you say then I think she was being judgemental - lots of parents struggle to take time off work and for some it will be the difference between keeping your job (and keeping a roof over your head) or not - obviously if you’re very concerned about your child then you’ll stay off regardless, but if you’re confident they’re recovering and that you can leave them with someone you trust then that’s different. The only thing I’d maybe say is could it be that your anxiety about reluctantly leaving your son may have skewed your perceptions of what she said and how she said it?

So yes - if this actually did happen in the way you’ve reported then you should complain.

There’s nothing wrong with you leaving him with his grandparents; I think her attitude was unnecessary

Yanbu

@Doggybiccys I'm not in the U.K. so I'm not sure the same rules apply re recorded calls etc? It wasn't a triage nurse, just a nurse on shift in the children's ward. Apparently the doctor has asked her to call because she had run out of time to in between patients.

YANBU. Very, very strange and judgmental response from the nurse.

@Doggybiccys that’s not my experience of health care professionals who triage or do phone follow up (I have worked in the NHS for almost 30 years) - you are naive if you think nurses don’t judge or show that in their words and actions, and they’re not always being recorded

@Believe yes that's what I'm worried about - that perhaps my stress and worry has made me overly sensitive. I do believe she changed her tone when she said that, but what I'm concerned with is overreacting if I did misinterpret how she actually meant it.

I do not think you would be unreasonable to complain tbh. But complaints of this nature are not often resolved to anyone’s satisfaction and it is unlikely to be worth your time and effort. I hope your son makes a quick recovery.