To think I’m drowning in Nursing?

[SmashedPumpkinz]

I’ve never been a great nurse. I struggled through uni as I found most of my placements boring. I got annoyed with terminology such as one time a nurse had gone missing off the ward. Someone said she was in a side room bleeding. I panicked and asked what had happened to her ... everyone ignored me and I was confused. Turns out “bleeding” is a terminology for taking blood samples off patients. Even the word “off duty” annoys me as it makes no sense.

I’ve been qualified for 4 years now and I couldn’t cope with the shifts so went onto the “bank” in community. Here I’ve basically slipped so far under the radar with everything that I’m now drowning. My training compliance is at 54% as nobody keeps a check on me and I’ve become too anxious to sort it out. My email hasn’t been working since November last year but I only sorted it out today because I had to. I’ve missed loads of important emails including one about a laptop I am in possession of that is now so out of date with its updates that it is a security risk. Now I’m shit scared of admitting it to the manager (I will of course, tomorrow). I’m an anxious mess. I can’t cope with it all, all the constant training and “meetings” and “updates” ... my DBS is out of date as is my annual renewal. Nobody seems to care and obviously it’s my responsibility to sort it out but without any guidance I’m struggling so much.

This morning a nurse burst into my room raving on about some new “dressings” that we’ve started using and how amazing they are. I realised that I really couldn’t give a shit and I just wanted to leave.

I’ve let everything snowball to the point where I’m thinking there is no return. AIBU to think it’s quite obvious that nursing isn’t for me??

I’m thinking of arranging a meeting with my manager (whoever the hell that is) and telling her everything. See if there is any way I can be helped or has it all gone too far?

I’m suffering with depression, anxiety and am awaiting an ASD assessment.

Oh dear.
Don't know what to say but sending a hand hold.

I think definitley speak to your manager about how you're feeling. I'm sure youd be surprised at how understanding they (should) be. mental health struggles suck so sorry to hear you are struggling. dont let this get on top of you anymore. get it sorted tomorrow and I'm sure itll be a weight off your shoulders, you might even become interested again once you dont feel like you're struggling so much x

and no I dont think it's gone too far. I think nursing is an admirable job so if you find a love for it again then great. if you decide it's not for you than also fine! but def speak to your manager tomorrow, I know its probably daunting but a problem shared and all that malarkey (sorry for being cheesy) x

As a registered nurse please please speak up to someone asap about this. You are actually practising without a valid registration at the moment if your NMC has relapsed - if something happens whilst your at work you will be entitled to no legal back up at all and may face charges against yourself, as well as being struck off.
I'm sorry you've have such a tricky time since qualifying. It doesn't sound like you've found the right fit at all for you and the pressure of everything has really built up for you and you have no one to turn to.

Is there anyone you work with regularly that you can confide with to try and get some things sorted?

The first thing you need to do is arrange a proper formal chat with your manager and try and get some support. Unfortunately since qualifying and joining bank no one has really took you on - this sometimes happen when you join bank. Are you sure you wouldn't be better suited in a environment where the shift working partners are better but you have the security of working for one team?

Please pm me if you need any help or advice regarding stuff as I'm a band 6 so used to helping people with their pdrs and action plans etc. Best of luck.

Occupational health may also be worth speaking to for getting some support in place for you regarding your anxiety and depression. Please don't struggle alone.

Working bank only is awful as you really are on your own with keeping up. IMO you have three options:

1. Leave
2. Work your arse to get caught up, this is absolutely possible but will take motivation
3. Apply for a permanent position. That way you will be a 'new start' again and will be supported to get everything updated.

Only you can decide which you want to do but its pointless to coast on as things are now. At least you won't be due to revalidate for a while which helps.

Remember though that a career change will also be hard work and overwhelming and isn't an easy answer either.

After all this is sorted, how about working in some sort of place where there is more continuity e.g.??? community??? where there's more contact with the same group of staff, I'm not sure how it works but just a smaller, tighter knit place where you won't be left to fall behind.

Not gone too far. This looks like the result of your suspected depression. It's simple to say but try to break down things into the urgent (sorting the laptop, anything to do with patient safety, DBS (NMC/PIN renewal if name change is correct though I could only see your mention of DBS in your OP) then keep holding on until your MH is hopefully on an even keel.

Good luck.

As PPs have said, bank might be leaving you with less support. Would a role in outpatients/specialist clinics rather than wards so no shifts and some continuity be better for you in the medium term?

Look for different style job that uses your degree. In a practise or health education or research.

I just wanted to add that terminology irritates me too! I bet its even worse for you with the possible ASD. Off duty is an old fashioned term harking back to when nurses lived in and their 'off duty' referred to their days off as they were allocated time off rather than time on - if that makes sense? Referring to venepuncture as 'bleeding' is horrible and thankfully none of my colleagues do that. I do hear a few things said that irritate the life out of me, like 'she has a bit of blood pressure' - I hear this all the time! I realise its no different to saying someone has a temperature - but then I don't expect to hear that in work either, I expect to hear pyrexic. I do think professional terminology should be used in work. Sometimes I also suspect I may be on the ASD spectrum mind you, I am very literal in my thinking, so really can sympathise with you!

I suspect those things happen in all those jobs though!

There are lots of related jobs that a nursing qualification is a good basic starting point to go into, but which are not nursing. Research, other NHS jobs - all seem to favour ex-nurses.

My NMC is in date, just not my DBS or my personal review.

What Ive found is that I really do enjoy working with drug addicts, alcoholics, ex offenders etc and I have applied to work as a prison nurse twice, got interviews both times but chickened out of actually attending. All of my “favourite” patients are heroin addicts and ex offenders. I build a good relationship with them easily and I find myself chatting to them for much longer than I should about their history and background. I’ve been told I’d make a good councillor as I’m a good listener. I was watching the women in prison program earlier this week and I know that’s where I belong (as an employee, not an inmate ... then again if I don’t sort this laptop lark out who knows!).

My bank shifts are drying up now anyway and i only have 3 weeks of shifts left. I go on holiday in May so maybe I should start thinking about having a fresh start to come back to.

Do you think you’ve chosen the right career ? If you’ve not enjoyed it from the beginning would you be better looking to other careers?

What aspects of the role do you enjoy which could be used in another role.

Missed the update, shame you didn’t attend the interviews it sounds as though that is where your passion lays which might bring up your enthusiasm and benefit you re your mental health as well.

Op, apply for a job and commit to it - don't chicken out. You can do this. You sound like you have a lot to offer. Although your comment about talking to people about their background 'more than you should' does concern me a little, probing people about their background unnecessarily is quite unprofessional and potentially triggering for them. I can understand you find it interesting but you need to be sure you are putting the patient first. You may be right that pursing a career in counselling may be more suitable for you.

@MrsStrangerThing

Oh no that came out wrong, I mean they have a 40 min appointment with me for a dressing but we get chatting and I end up with them in there for longer than I should as they just start talking. An example was someone who jokingly told me about his time in prison. I laughed and told him I’d been watching the prison documentary and casually asked if it’s really like that ... from there we had a great chat about the things that drive people to do the things they do, he taught me so much in those 40 minutes and he asked me to arrange his next appointment for a day when I’m on as he’d really enjoyed chatting with me.

I never probe. We only chat like this if they take the lead. For example someone asking me if both my parents are alive ... I ask the same question back and end up with a brief life story which gives so much insight into how people end up making bad choices. It’s heart breaking.

I find this stuff much more interesting that chatting to Mrs Jones about her missing cat and how the neighbour is watering her plants even though it’s raining. It might be the ASD in me but I find it so difficult to engage in mundane conversation like this.

Lots of nurses aren’t quite up to date with training or reviews, it’s not past point of no return but it does sound like you’re drowning doing bank work currently. Find something you enjoy where you are supported.