to be so worried about DS starting secondary? (ASD)

[PollyPocketLucyLocket]

My DS is high functioning, and due to start secondary in September.
He has managed pretty well at his small primary, and we have applied for an equally small school as our first choice.
Our second and third choices are quite large, and the better of a group of bad choice schools.

I'm so worried about him starting. He has been fortunate to have had very inclusive group of classmates, although he is rarely invited to parties and I can count on one hand the number of 'playdates' he's been invited to.

He is a lovely friendly boy, no problems with being violent etc. However, he does have occasional meltdowns if routines change, or if stuff gets to much for him at school. He also still wets himself on a regular basis.
I'm worried about him starting secondary, for those reasons, and also because he is very young compared to his peers. He loves to play with toy cars, dress up etc.
My secret concern is that he'll not get on, joining a group of year 7's, with a mindset of a younger child

Could anyone that has been through this please advise? How did it turn out?

The more I think about it, the more distressed I feel.

I'm not sure how I enabled the voting? Maybe I should move the thread to another board..

Anyhow for now, how about...

YABU, he will get on just fine.
YANBU, you are right to be concerned

Has he got friends that will join him at secondary?

He has a couple of friends now, however he really just plays with whoever is doing what he wants to join in to at any one time. Chess / football / cards etc.

No, they won't be going to that school though. All at separate ones AFAIK.

My ds started secondary in Sept and like yourself I was worried about him but he loves it, we no longer have tears and tantrums and hes always smiling when he comes home .He has an ehcp and goes into specialist support but for us the change in him has been amazing,he does struggle with his homework but he gets the recognition he deserves for the hard work he puts into whatever he does.

YANBU, but I can say a friend whose son with ASD/dyspraxia moved up to secondary last year and she was similarly worried, but he has found some lovely and supportive friends who seem to understand him and help with challenges.

I think there's no point worrying about this now.

First wait until you know what school he is allocated.
Then email and ask for a meeting with the SENCO and the transition leader at the new school. Briefly outline concerns and ask for a meeting for when they start to plan their transition arrangements (which might not be until June).

There will be other kids in a similar situation, a good school will have ideas for transitioning and ongoing support.

My DD is young in herself. In y7 she did 'social skills' with some other similar kids. It was a way of improving their skills and helping them meet other children in the year who would be on the same wavelength.

I am in the same boat OP. I foresee a hard few years for DD when she starts next year.
She had a good support network of friends from junior infants, as they developed emotional they left her behind.
This year she has no friends in school but acquaintances. I wanted to apply for a different secondary to the feeder but she wouldn't cope with knowing nobody. I'll let her go to the feeder, I feel like I'm sending my lamb to the slaughter.

I’m sure he’ll be fine. Once he’s settled in he’s bound to make a few friends. I think starting secondary school is sometimes a bigger worry for the parents than the kids themselves. Try not to worry op, there’ll be such a huge mix of kids your boy will make his own set of friends and be fine.

Sometimes larger can be better as there is a wider spread of pupils so more chance of making friends provided they can find them (which is where transition stuff comes into play).

Thanks for all the replies.

I don't think he'd cope with the larger schools. It'll be too much for him. He is excused from assembly due to this, and also has his lunch in a quiet area, not the school hall.

I'm not sure if this will help at all as my DS was more mature than his peers all the way through primary school so that wasnt an issue for us.
I found that DS suited secondary school much more than primary, it was more structured and he knows exactly what is required from him.
His school has a designated classroom that people can use at lunch times, its not labelled as for people with SEN but that is its main purpose - a safe quiet place for them to go
He got to go up to the school for extra transition afternoons with some others, it meant when everyone went up for transition days he already knew his way around, knew some of the staff etc so was less likely to have a melt down/freak out
hes made a couple of friends and he gets on fine, he is very academically able so theres no issues with that, he gets on and does what he needs to.

With regards to the wetting, DS no longer wets but when he was in primary he had 'dry like me' pads that stuck inside his pants, he could then change them and they werent as obvious as the pull ups he was wearing. he also had a wobl watch that we set for break times etc to remind him to go to the toilet

I agree with TeenPlus - Once you know what school he will be going to ask for a meeting with the school senco. Does he have a care plan?

My son who has ASD went to a large secondary (over 1000 pupils) but he coped very well there. I found that being at a larger school he didnt stand out so much as he wasn't the only pupil who had ASD. Most secondary schools have a student support unit and lots of after school clubs and lunch time clubs so they're with children who have similar interests and make friends that way. My son still hung around with some of his primary school friends but also made other friends as well.

If he doesn't already have one, I would recommend applying for an EHCP. It would give you more power of choice over where he goes to secondary and can set out specific interventions he will need.

Brie and chilli has just reminded me that my sons school also had a designated classroom where the quieter pupils could go at lunch and break time, it was supervised by an SEN teacher.

Ah bless you, I was so worried about my son too. He has Asperger’s (diagnoses before changes of definition) and yet actually he’s got on great with high school. He hates being disturbed in class, and is probably dismissed as others as being geeky, but his sense of humour and blinkers have helped - blinkers in that he dismisses a lot of the social stuff as utter nonsense anyway as he doesn’t get it. He’s polite, very hard-working and quiet...sometimes I do get two solid hours of him moaning about something tiny after school but that’s his release.
He’s peed in his room just this last week...his sisters avoid going in but they don’t let on at school and he has absolutely no interest in people visiting him at home so that’s okay for now too.
High School can be so hard, but sometimes somebody can find a niche and go under the radar. I hope it all works out.

So many helpful replies, thank you.

He doesn't have an EHCP - I enquired with two of his teachers, and was told that it would be unlikely to help him. Is this not true?
Bit annoying if so, as it would have guaranteed him a place at the smaller secondary.

@BrieAndChilli - the watch looks very good (I googled)

DS doesn’t have an echp either but he has a School Action plan which details his difficulties and things that are put in place to help him. He’s in year 8 now and his teachers are starting to put together evidence to enable him to have extra time in exams due to his handwriting.

I'm a secondary school teacher. 1 in 4 of our students has some sort of SEND. He won't be the only one with ASD and I doubt the other kids will bat an eyelid.

I've got a DS going to secondary in September too though and I'm also nervous for him, so I do get it!