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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I literally feel like throwing in the towel!

13 replies

PicklesMummy19 · 25/02/2020 22:08

I need to vent! I've been with my DH for 8 years, married for 3 and have a 5 month old. We've always had such an amazing relationship, best friends infact! Since having my daughter there has been many occasion where I'll have a little rant that I feel I'm doing EVERYTHING! I cook, clean, do the washing, he literally doesnt notice any of it, he used to, before we had DD.

I unfortunately couldn't BF, but I looked on the positive side that formula feeding would also encourage DH to bond with DD too, but he wont go out of his way to suggest feeding her I have to ask him, or I have to ask him to go and get her when she's gone for a nap or to change her nappy or sometimes to even sit there and play with her. I'm so unsure if it's just because he hasnt bonded with her enough to know her different needs or cries, or whether he's just being plain lazy!

In one of my little moans we were talking about making things easier for me in the evenings as DD has 2 20 minute naps a day and he explained that he was tired from work, but suggested that he take a nap when he got home so that he wasnt tired In the evening 🤔 now I'm surviving on 4 hours sleep, he has 7....

Not once has he suggested I go and pop my feet up or have a little sleep or even to have 5 minutes to myself.

I've had enough of telling him that I'm fed up or upset, I feel like I'm taking to a wall, am I really being unreasonable to want to just give up on us?

OP posts:

pumpkinbump · 25/02/2020 22:19

I'd be severely miffed. It sounds like laziness, I know how hard it is as Im a single parent who does everything. I would stop cooking and cleaning and washing for him until he pulls his finger out of his backside. Seems like he didn't realise what hard work it would be.

Original poster

PicklesMummy19 · 26/02/2020 03:44

Think that's the plan! I cant keep on doing everything when there's 2 of us!! I honestly believe he thinks it's an easy job 🤔

OP posts:

Limpshade · 26/02/2020 03:57

This sounds a lot like my DH after the birth of our first child. In his case, most of it stemmed from avoidance - he was worried he didn't know what he was doing with the baby and didn't want to get things wrong, so he just avoided doing things entirely. It never occurred to him that I felt exactly the same (they don't come with a manual, ya know!) but had to suck it up and get on with things as the SAHP.

I think you (as did I!) need to be more assertive. No, you shouldn't have to be. But it seems you do. Don't sit around waiting for him to throw you a bone. TELL HIM you are going for a bath. For a walk. For a coffee at the weekend with your friends. Don't wait to be given permission. My lifeline was getting my (gel) nails done. Never been interested before (or since) in nails. But that hour was a Godsend to me, and an excuse to get out of the house and be non-contactable.

Start getting some "life" back and he'll have to step up.

Socalm · 26/02/2020 04:55

Yes, you have to fight for your own time. You didn't have to before, but you do now, and you will have to keep pushing for it for years. That's just how it is with men I think. Maybe some men are different but mine wasn't.

stayingontherail · 26/02/2020 05:04

Have you ever sat him down and told him all the things in your op and asked him what’s up? I would do that before stopping doing all the things pumpkinbump suggests so he has clear context about why you are stopping doing stuff.

AluminumMonster · 26/02/2020 05:18

What is the longest time he has spent with her 1 to 1 without you. I don't doubt that he's tired but you are exhausted. Why can't you swap evenings when you go for a lie down.

Wallywobbles · 26/02/2020 05:22

I'd leave for a weekend if at all possible. Let him live your life. I'd also go back to work in preparation for leaving him. But that's me in France where childcare is good and cheap.

Bluebell9 · 26/02/2020 05:24

Can you leave her with him for a morning at the weekend? He might see how hard it is. Then you can point out you do all the night time stuff and the housework so maybe he should help more!

Toomanygerbils · 26/02/2020 05:26

I agree with @stayingontherail. Stop offering him naps and then complaining he doesn’t offer back. Just be honest with him and tell him you are exhausted and what you need from him. Also appreciate he is working and also helping to look after DD so might be feeling exhausted and overwhelmed himself. You need to be honest with each other without shouting or accusing. If you can’t do that then yes you probably aren’t meant to be together

WhichBin · 26/02/2020 05:31

You need “the chat”

The one that reminds him you’re both winging it, making mistakes and learning as you go along.

The one where you highlight having a baby isn’t all gurgles and coffee with your mates - it’s actually sleep deprivation, worry and keeping the baby safe, fed and clothed.

I’m not saying this to defend him but go in gentle

It’s a huge transition for anyone to become a parent, he’s adjusting to a different life he had before.

Is he being selfish? Yes
Do you need to tell him that? Yes.
But remember you’ve had 9 months of learning to become less selfish and having to think of the human inside of you; you’ve then had a further 5 months with the baby to continue that selflessness by being the sole carer for the bulk of the day. He’s probably had 2 weeks paternity leave, back to work and only hears of the “good” when he returns from work with a bit of sleep deprivation thrown on too.

He needs to see (and experience) the difficulties. Be honest with yourself about staying at home with the baby. Not just the “things” you’ve listed - think about how you feel (frustrated, lonely, overwhelmed, exhausted, anxious...as examples) and share those feelings with him.

Someone advised me once, remember, it isn’t a competition with your partner. If you’re tired, tell him and arrange a convenient time to go back to bed. Don’t sit internally thinking of the reasons why you deserve a nap over him. If he’s tired, send him to bed for 30 minutes and tell him you will have a nap straight after. Take out the competition and point scoring on who’s doing more / less. That’ll cause you unnecessary stress.

81Byerley · 26/02/2020 05:47

And this is precisely the reason why I cringe when people decide to have kids to save a marriage. It can put strain on the happiest of relationships. You and he need to sit down and really talk about this.

Bluetrews25 · 26/02/2020 05:58

Make sure he knows how to make up the bottles and what to do with them, change a nappy, bath etc.
Then get out of there for a whole day, or ideally a weekend.
And tell him the house must not be a tip when you return.
Sometimes the only way to learn and to bond is to do.
It's ok if he does things different from you, as long as he is keeping her safe.
But talk, and do it as calmly as you can.

Giroscoper · 26/02/2020 06:21

I agree wholeheartedly that you should leave him with his baby for an entire day on a weekend. Go to a friend's house or somewhere where you can sleep for a bit.

I would leave a list of nap times and feeding times, but you had to learn to cope and now it is his turn. Maybe also leave a list of jobs to do too.

I think the reality is you are always there for when he goes to the toilet or needs a shower etc, whereas you do this by yourself and have to think about how you will manage these things with a baby. He may well be worried about not doing it right but you can only learn on the job.

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