Should I tell my daughter to forget about GCSEs and focus on recovery from her eating disorder?

[BengalGal]

Hello
We are not from the Uk and have one child who went through GCSEs and another about to. This DD, 15, has had an eating disorder for the last 18 months I only recently learned about. Apparently she skips both breakfast and lunch and then makes herself throw up any snacks or dinner. The purging part is only the last couple of months. I’m trying to get her seen at a clinic for children with eating disorders but now that she has been more honest about how little she is eating I wonder if the most important thing would be to get her into residential or daily care. I suppose the experts will eventually tell me what they think she needs but usually the treatment is daily if not residential and it’s about an hour from her school. There are much closer places almost next door to her school but we don’t live in that county and can’t access them. My plan was to do maybe weekly counseling til after the exams and then do the intense part. But would I be unreasonable to go for the daily or residential options now and forget about GCSEs? I know you can’t take them later but there must be some option for people who are too ill to take them?

Her health is far more important. She can take her exams laster.

I don’t think any of us are in a position to advise, you need to work with the team caring for your daughter, her school and your daughter to come up with a plan both long term and short term.

No one ever died from a lack of GCSE results. There are other options for entry into university if she wants to do that later.

She needs to focus on herself and not the exams. The schools put too much pressure in kids these days.

It's hard to say really OP. In the UK unless you are paying privately then she would only be admitted residentially after psychiatric consultation and if her weight had dipped to a certain level that it was no longer safe for her to be managing her own lifestyle. It would also be possible for her to have additional help at school, and allowances made in the marking of she took her GCSE's so I wouldnt make at decision without informing yourself first of your options and liasing with the school.

I suffered a severe head injury mid way through my GCSE's and was given many special allowances, extra time, time off school, one on one support, was allowed to dictate or type instead of writing, allowed a room by myself. The 2 exams I missed I was given a grade by proxy based on a combination of my predicted grades and grades achieved so far. The school arranged the bulk of that, all that was necessary was medical evidence (doctors note/hospital letter).

What does she want to do? I would take this into account and liaise with whichever service specialist is managing her care. It might be that the normality is beneficial, you do not want her to feel punished or excluded and treatment will be minded towards getting her back into a routine anyway, getting back into 'normal' life etc.

100% yes
Not to put too fine a point on it, dead people dont need qualifications
Eating disorders can have devastating consequences
You are doing right not to want to put any more pressure on her
Good wishes to you both

Why can't you take them later? Who said that? I hope your daughter gets well soon.

I would speak to your daughter and see how she feels. A huge part of an eating disorder is about being in control, include her in as much as you can unless her decisions are harming her health. Not feeling in control can lead to using food as a way of release.
You need to establish if deferring her GCSEs would make her panic and feel hopeless or if doing them would put too much pressure on her.
It’s positive that you’ve found out about it now so as many people manage to hide it for too long. I wish you all the best and I really hope she begins to recover, it’s a hard battle but it can be won and your support will be worth so much whatever you both decide.

She really wants to take them. I thought she would need to wait a year if she missed them? I’m still pushing to get her assessed by the eating disorders clinic and hopefully that will happen. The GPs referral letter is taking too long. We do have some private insurance too but so far they have come up with zero psychologists that deal with both younger people and eating disorders. They send me names and I make contact and nope, not a match.

I really appreciate all your responses. It is so scary and upsetting to learn your child is essentially starving.

Her health is more important than her GCSEs, but I would be thinking about how missing her exams might affect her health and self-esteem. It’s a difficult one.

Eating disorders can be life threatening. I value education highly but it can wait. I had a friend who worked in a residential treatment facility for eating disorders and she said treatment was more successful the earlier you started. Some adults have eating disorders all their lives. I would seek professional advice about how you should approach her education (putting it to one side entirely might not be what they recommend) but certainly make her health the priority.

Not got time to post fully but may I recommend aroundthedinnertable website. Very supportive informative forum for parents and carers of people with eating disorders.

I don't know a lot about eating disorders specifically but this seems like a massive decision and I hope your daughter gets the help she needs and also gets a say in any choices that directly affect her.

Depends.

Binning them off entirely might be counterproductive - having normality, structure, a sense of achievement, distraction from her problems, and goals to work towards could all be important parts of her recovery. Whereas watching her peers gain all that and being left with nothing could be really damaging, never mind the knock on effect of trying to "catch up" or enter education again later.

Obviously that would depend on the support in place, stress levels, triggers, maybe adjusting how many/which subjects etc. It also doesn't all need to be decided now. I get that you're worried and scared but I would caution you against making rash decisions right now.

YANBU to consider this but you must also listen to your DD - she needs to feel in control.

I would talk to the school and see what their advice is and, if you can get seen soon enough, what the medical team say too.
Find out the facts - what options are actually open to her.

If your DD is well prepared and has worked hard towards her exams, it might actually cause more harm not to do them. You will need to weigh this up against the risk that she won't be at her best.

I might be inclined to let her carry on with her 'normal' as she has been for the past 18 mths whilst still offering support, depending on what the timescale for support was - ie how quickly she will be seen and what the treatment offered her is. Are retakes in the autumn still available? or also waiting a year could be an option, or taking a few this year and some more next year?

I’d wait and see if you get offered daily or residential treatment before you think too much about making this decision. Or if you’re planning on paying privately, with or without your insurance, look at your options and ask the people that will be treating her. It’s likely that people who deal with eating disorders in teenagers will have experience and advice to offer when it comes to combining treatment and exams.

Until you have a treatment plan in place, there’s no point in stopping your dd doing her work when she’s so keen to do her exams anyway. Also, surely she’s going to have to have a say in whether she does her exams or not. As much as the decisions should fall to you as the parent, it’s not always as simple as that with teenagers. You have my sympathy, I hope you manage to get your dd the right treatment soon.

Unfortunately it's probably not quite that simple. There are long waiting lists for day or residential care unless you are paying privately (which I assume not if you can't access next county services). Often due to a shortage of beds BMI has to be below 13.5 to get a place which is incredibly low - and I'd guess DD isn't at that point yet or you would definitely have noticed.
It's shocking but that's the reality, you will likely be told by her team to keep her at home and work with them, in which case GCSEs might offer her something other than food in her life which will be important for recovery.

I'm sorry you're going through this with your dd. Have you spoken to the school about her chances of passing her exams. Would she be able to reduce the number of exams she is taking and postpone some for another year.

I hope that knowing you are there to support her will get her through.

She does want to take her exams so that’s the plan for now. She’s kind of upset she had to miss a class today to come home early and answer cahms questions. But that’s to speed up the process of getting to real eating disorders specialists. I have two counselors (private, some experience but not specialists) for her to try this week and she will miss some more school for one of those. But she’s also very very keen to talk to someone professional. Her BMI is normal despite the 10 kilo weight loss so no way would she qualify for residential if it has to be below 13. So it may be a non Issue as she might not have access to daily or residential treatment anytime soon. I think the private insurance we have through my husbands work is useless when it comes to eating disorders in children. We will see what the nhs offers. Is it possible for her to take exams in August?

She has very good chances of passing if she’s not totally starving herself. Her predicted grades range from 6 to 8s and she has probably already qualified for two top six form colleges based on the mocks. But I suppose if she did miss exams those offers wouldn’t hold.

Speaking personally recovering from an eating disorder can be exhausting and all consuming. Please prioritise her health as EDs can cause irreversable damage once they really take hold. You sound like you are doing a brilliant job and are acting proactively to help her. Good luck

It may not be either or. It’s quite common for children in inpatient care to sit exams in hospital. Has she seen a dr? If she’s purging she needs medical assessment including bloods to check electrolytes, it’s the low electrolytes that are so dangerous.

Does she actually want help OP? Could she be using school as an excuse to be able to carry on with her ED? I've suffered with anorexia on and off for the past 30+ years and would only accept help when I wanted it. At any other time I'd put as many obstacles in the way as I could.
You can get inpatient treatment with a BMI of higher than 13.
I wish you and your daughter the very best

Oh gosh. Good luck to both of you!

1. Yeah. Her health is the most important thing
2. Don’t know what your DD is like, but anorexic girls I’ve taught would have hated dropping their GCSEs. They were also very bright. Erm.....we made special considerations for most of them, so do speak to her school. Safeguarding officer might be able to help- but the SENDCO would definitely have advice.

I don’t think we can suggest anything really, because each situation is different. I’d just like to say how tough this must be for you, and you’re obviously great if your looking for advice at this stage. I hope you manage to look after yourself as well as her.