To find lack of initiative a turn off

[handfood]

If you are in an otherwise happy relationship, would you find it a turn off if one partner who is single without responsibilities of mortgage or children, lack motivation to earn a decent living without staying in a dead end job with no prospect of promotion when that person has a qualification that would allow them to earn a decent living in an area of work that the person would normally find enjoyable? Partner rarely has any money left over for a meal or cinema after bills but won't upskill, change jobs, train or move out of the comfort zone.
When it is suggested, partner needs the cv/ administration sorted by someone else as the person is so demotivated and does not factor the future into work life.
Thanks.

Yes.

I would not want to be with a partner who could not be arsed to earn the price of a meal out or cinema trip. It would be demoralising & worrying.
Sounds like the unmotivated partner expects someone else to step up & do it for them. This would enrage & depress me.

How is the relationship "otherwise happy"?
Is it because the motivated partner is providing all the extra spends & doing all the thinking for the lazy arse one?
That won't stay happy for long.
Sounds unhealthy, immature, & potentially co-dependent.

Yes I would - with a few exceptions for example if he was busy caring for an elderly relative or was doing a low paid job but one he felt passionately about or did volunteering for something he was passionate about, health issues preventing him working in a stressful environment etc.

If he was just happy in a dead end job earning little money and not doing much with his free time yes it would be a massive turn off.

No exceptions or responsibilities, just lack of interest it seems.
The job while low paying is ideal for a person without big financial or personal responsibilities.
I have my own home and savings and worked hard to become the professional I've always wanted to be. I study and regularly upskill to improve my prospects.
My partner however has never done anything beyond basic qualification which has plenty for f potential, works in a job that doesn't bring satisfaction, rarely has money f r anything nice eg dinner, holiday etc.
I don't think that I'm expected to pay for both but if I don't pay, we don't do it .
I wonder what the future will hold for us.Can this be turned around? Would it cause resentment long term .

It already causes resentment!

He has completely different values to you. To the extent that you have trouble wrapping your head around just how deeply he does not value what you value.

You can't turn around fundamentally different value systems.

What does he value? What does he protect and encourage in his life?

My partner is a woman.
She values cooking and cleaning and looking after people.
I admire those values very much but we are
Both young single couple who have only us to think of at the moment. I find that I am getting tired of trying to encourage her to find a fulfilling job that will pay her bills and allow her a social life. Saving is out of the question.
Of course I would like to enjoy my free time with her But she simply does not have spare money and I cannot afford to keep the two of us.
Part of me worried that she expects
Me to carry her financially in the future, she would love to be a house wife and while I value that, my salary alone will not fund a mortgage, card, children, bills etc unless we have a joint income.
AM I being unfair?

I don't think that I'm expected to pay for both but if I don't pay, we don't do it

Would it cause resentment long term

It's causing me resentment within the space of 30 seconds, Handfood.
You didn't push yourself into a career so that you could sit at home every evening, unable to even go to the cinema bwcause your partner can't pay his half, did you?

You are obviously a motivated self-starter, & your partner's lack of gumption is going to irritate, depress, & eventually anger you.

You are being unfair to expect her to start wanting to work and earn money. You are "encouraging" her to want what you want.

You can't have what you want out of life if you are with her.

It's a shame but you've laid it out clear as day there.

For one of you to be happy the other must be unhappy.

I never thought of it like that but it is true

Partner sounds depressed tbh, or perhaps suffering from anxiety or other MH issues. If that’s not the case then you just have to accept they’re not the type of partner you want, and decide whether to accept that or break up.

Part of me worried that she expects me to carry her financially in the future, she would love to be a house wife and while I value that, my salary alone will not fund a mortgage, card, children, bills etc unless we have a joint income.

Yeah, you have a potential clitlodger on your hands.
Why should you have to pay for a functional adult purely because they do not want to work, but expect you to pay for them?

AM I being unfair
No - she is.
She clearly wants the lifestyle she has convinced herself you can afford to provide for her.
Including the decision that should you have children, SHE will be the SAHM. What happens if you prefer to be the hands-on parent? Will she go to work to provide enough for you & any child?
I suspect not.
I suspect she likes your get-up-&-go, & is hoping you will continue to upskill & win promotions so that you can fund her desire to be a housewife.
Maybe you need to have a long hard think about what she does for you, what you are getting from the relationship in terms of emotional support & closeness, & imagine how this relationship might look to you 10 years from now.

The point is that you have different values. She's happy doing the bare minimum work wise and having little financially. You're not. So this is not a relationship that will work long term because you will always resent that you are the one who has to do all the work for the nice things you consider important. Sorry.

Yes I would find that a turn off . I’m earning a low wage but I want more and am doing everything to change it. Wouldn’t feel happy to carry on the way I am ( I am a woman ).

Yes absolutely!

Bit rich coming from me now I've given up work 🤣

You want different things. That doesn’t make either of you right or wrong but it does make you incompatible. Sounds rather like she is marking time until she can be a full time mum.

FWIW I’m with you - lack of any drive would be a massive turn off.

You are fundamentally incompatible. Move on!

I love travel ,eating out, nice clothes.she enjoys these things of and when she has money or I treat her.
I'm not sure ai can sacrifice those things in life although I do love her .

I know a bright, intelligent woman who ended up marrying that sort of dead-ender.

He refused (actively) to seek better paid jobs, more interesting or skilled jobs and also flat out refused to live anywhere but the home town he'd been in forever. He's also horrible to he. She works like a donkey to support the lifestyle he wants but cba to afford.

But she seems, oddly, happy.

But she seems, oddly, happy.

To clarify OP, that was not me suggesting you should be the same - far from it. I wrote that she was happy because I was stunned she could be - both her and your situations sound miserable.

The gulf between what you want from life is vast to the point of unbridgeable. Don't fool yourself she'll magically change.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. It sounds like your partner may not be completely lazy but her ambitions to be a house wife and look after children without contributing financially may be inconsistent with yours. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be a SAHM but equally there's nothing wrong with wanting a set up with two working parents it's just that the two people would be incompatible. I also think that even if you're both happy to have a housewife/SAHP the SAHP would have to be financially responsible and prepared to step in if one salary just didn't cut it. It sounds like maybe this isn't the case for her.

YANBU - and neither is she - you are just incompatible!

I’m a sahm, mine and dh’s choice. He has built up his own company through sheer hard work. I love the fact he provides so well for us but it only works because he’s happy for me to do the lions share of the childcare and see to the housework etc and so am I. We both play our role and it works, if he became resentful of the fact I don’t earn any money it would obviously cause problems. If he suddenly decided he didn’t want to work any more I’m sure that would cause many problems too!
You need to be with someone who values the nicer things in life as you do, nothing wrong with that. But there’s also nothing wrong with wanting a simple life with no frills.