AIBU- selfish horrible teenagers

[InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream]

AIBU to have just had a right go at my two adult sons?
Sat here in tears- I had a thyroidectomy three days ago, stayed in hospital overnight and under strict instructions to do nothing for two weeks other than move about regularly to avoid DVT.
DH was going to take a few days off this week to look after me but I told him not to as our 18 and 21 year old sons are around this week to help out, and I'm not bedridden. I am spending a fair amount of time in bed though as I feel pretty horrendous.
Well, the two boys have been spectacularly unhelpful. It has been spelled out to them that I have had major surgery and could they help out, which they both happily agreed to, unfortunately they haven't actually done anything.
One of them managed to make me a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich yesterday (only after I asked), and after a bit of nagging the other one did 5 minutes of hoovering and washing up.
Today, they seem to have completely forgotten about me altogether, no offers of tea, the eldest made himself eggs on toast, no thought of offering me anything. He did manage to let the dogs escape upstairs to leap all over me, so I had to round them up.
I asked the younger one to take the dogs out yesterday, which he declined as he has a sore foot.
Today I asked the elder one to please take the dogs out, and was met with 'No, I'm going to the gym'
Well that was the last straw. I burst into tears and ranted and raved at them, calling them selfish bastards who never think of anyone but themselves. I told them in no uncertain terms what i expect done today and told them to sort it out amongst themselves. I also sent the eldest a passive aggressive text wondering if he enjoyed his breakfast. They are both repentant now and getting on with some jobs.
I feel a bit childish now. AIBU to have lost my rag with them?
By the way I have tried to bring them up to be caring, helpful individuals, it just doesn't seem to have worked very well.

Sometimes you need to spell it out as they can be oblivious but not necessarily on purpose .
Hopefully they realise now !
Feel better soon ,op

Thanks kay it's not a very nice op, especially the drain hanging out of your neck.not envy. That's out now though. The younger one is living away at uni and just home for a week, the older one does 3 days a week at college.

Sometimes you need to spell it out as they can be oblivious but not necessarily on purpose

At 13 maybe but surely not 18 and 21.

Ohhh I hope you feel better soon. I had a thyroidectomy when my boys were 5 and 17 months, so I know how you feel. My DH had to take a week of work as my boys were so small.

notso they are already expected to help round the house, have done for years, but it's an uphill struggle and I get fed up battling with them about it

@InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream I too wonder where I went wrong with my two eldest sometimes! At 23 it just doesn't occur to the eldest to offer anyone else a cup of tea when he's making his (20th of the day) own (nor does it occur to him to re-use a previous mug but thats another rant!) and would rather head to Tesco for yet another meal deal than cook something for him and me to eat in the evening if I don't make anything. My younger son (21) is much more aware of other people and will cook when he's home from uni and make coffee but does sometimes need reminding .

As I still feel very guilty for splitting up with their dad ( mutual decision ) and am just grateful that they chose to have a home with me rather than him, for the times they are home from work/uni I put up with it but do try and remind them both to be more considerate.

If I was in your position, I would definitely go down the list route which always works with mine They get a bit competitive sometimes about who has crossed most off the list !!!

ps hope you feel better soon xx

I'm with you op. I've had flu and couldn't believe I had to ask dh for drinks. If he's been in bed and I'm making a drink for myself either what I'm drinking or a fresh water. I'm not the best carer when someone is poorly but this is just obvious!

I was going to suggest standing in hte middle of the room and screaming as loud as you can, but I think just after a major op that's probably not advisable. I think bursting into tears is a great substitute, so though you didn't do that on purpose, well done anyway!

I hope they continue to be helpful and you don't need to repeat their lesson.

Poor you OP. Sounds like a rotten op. Maybe get one of them to make you a flask of tea or coffee so you don’t have to keep reminding them? (You shouldn’t have to but still......) x

Ah hope you feel better that we all agree that you were totally reasonable to let them have it, both barrels! I too worry about raising a lazy, unhelpful DS and sometimes if he, for example, asks me for a glass of milk (he is 11 and perfectly capable of getting it himself) I say "No, I can't do that, nobody will marry you if you aren't able to get yourself some milk" so he knows there is no place for a man who can't do anything for himself!
Hope you will recover quickly and your sons step up, tbh I think a lot of us, male or female were not remotely helpful at that age so don't feel you have failed.

Thankyou all. I might have another little cry at how lovely you all are.

@Notso why not ? Depends on the individual surely .
My ds is helpful now but he was used to living away at uni so when he came back he was just used to doing stuff for himself like cooking , making a drink and doing his own washing . Wasn’t until I spoke to him about it that he realised .
We teach them to be self sufficient and do things for themselves so it’s no wonder they can get caught up in doing just that and not think of others when making a cup of tea or something .. it’s annoying but it happens and I’m still saying I agree with the OP but o don’t agree with calls for kicking them out of the house , tad extreme

OP, unfortunately this is a lot of teens.... IF they are allowed to get away with it.

Very hurtful and very selfish.

One of my son's has a tendency to think only of himself. Unfortunately it's just the way he is, but I am hoping he'll mature a bit, or else he's got a hard life ahead of him!

I find withdrawal of comforts ie me refusing to do anything to make his life easier, most effective.

I think OP that when you are feeling better, have a good hard look at how much you do.

Your husband should indeed give them a good bolloxing later.

I wouldn't forget the refusal to take the dog out either.

YADNBU.

But having to get that upset after a big operation to gain their attention is disgraceful.

They are a disgrace and they need to be told it.

Going in softly, softly doesn't tend to work with self absorbed people I have found

Hope you feel better soon.

Get well soon OP.

YABU only because you should have exploded at them well before now!

I think it's typical tunnel vision at that age, rather than selfish, lazy misogyny. Not on, though, and absolutely not on to refuse to help when directly asked (re the dog walk etc).

My older two are 14 and 12 and, albeit capable, can be quite idle in the usual run of things, but if either of us were incapacitated I'm sure they'd pitch in. As yours are now too. I'm sorry you had to get upset for them to help, though.

Everything I was going to say has already been said but I just wanted to add that YADNBU!
I hope they're looking forward to their 'words' with your dh later....
It's a nasty op that takes a fair bit of recovery, take all the time you need (& a bit extra)

@FizzyIce
Depends on the individual surely
I agree to an extent, two of mine are certainly naturally more helpful. It's not like it can't be learned though and I'd expect it by the ages of the OP's kids.

We teach them to be self sufficient and do things for themselves so it’s no wonder they can get caught up in doing just that and not think of others when making a cup of tea or something..
This is what I mean when I say it can be learned. We teach our children to be self sufficient but not selfish.
In our house nobody makes a drink or a snack without asking if other people in the house want one too. If it doesn't come naturally it's learned through repetition.
We're a family, not flat mates.

YANBU!! I totally feel your pain...I have 2 DSs (21 & 19)...they have not been mothered and not had everything done for them but they still don't get it!!
They just don't see mess/towels on floor or bed/glasses in room/washing up/floordrobe/taking the last XX and leave empty packet/make sandwich and leave out all the stuff.... (the list goes on)...but I just don't get why they don't see it?? They've had years and years of being told/asked and asked again....it's exhausting! seriously, does anyone know when it kicks in??!
Hope you feel better very soon OP too.

So were they expecting you to walk the dogs?

YANBU! I have a cold atm and my 2yo will ask me if I want a cough sweet! It shouldn't be beyond an 18yo or a 21yo to ask if there's anything they can get you!

Yes, make a list, but I'd also question why they aren't doing the hoovering, making meals etc more regularly. They are both adults and should be contributing to the running of the household anyway without having to be told (& upping their contribution when a family member is ill and recovering from major surgery!)

Hope they pull their socks up and that you feel better soon OP 💐

"No, I can't do that, nobody will marry you if you aren't able to get yourself some milk"

😂👍 Brilliant @mcmooberry!

tom, no they're not expecting me to walk the dogs, they just think it won't matter if they don't bother, they don't accept that we, as a family, have a joint responsibility to ensure their needs are met.