AIBU to not go to funeral?

[Vedaisawesome]

Today we have been informed my DH uncle has died. Funeral is on Sunday. DH is going to funeral but I'm not sure I should, although I have already been put under pressure by DH aunt and uncle to attend.
Background...this is DH maternal uncle whom I have never met and whom DH hasn't seen in a few years but DH is very upset about it. I think it is bringing thoughts of his father's death last year to his mind. My problem is when DH father died, DH brother ( BIL) became very possessive of his mother and "family" things and was refusing to let anyone see the body, even his own brother. ( Unheard of in our culture) I tried to intervene and BIL told me I wasn't family even though I have been married to DH for 20 years. I was incredibly hurt as I had cared daily for his father before his father took ill, entertaining him in my home daily and cooking him dinner every day. I had always had a close relationship with DH father. BIL did this in front of MIL and she let him get away with it. At the time DH didn't know as I said nothing due to the circumstances. Now I am fearful that if I support DH by going to this funeral I will be again subjected to BIL saying that I'm not family and shouldn't be there. I have not spoken to BIL since DH father funeral as he just blanks me. I don't think I could keep quiet second time around and now that DH knows what BIL said previously I doubt he will let it go if BIL is rude again. DH would like me to go to funeral but I feel it's a bit like walking into the lion's den and there will be an almighty blowup. What should I do?

What is more important to you - supporting your DH and his Aunt who actively want you there? Or avoiding your BIL who sounds like a prick and may or may not care if you are there or not?

I think you should just go along to support your DH, and his Aunt. If BIL says anything, just blank him. Then if he chooses to cause a scene you won't be blamed.

Your DH has asked for your support and for you to be there with him

He’s upset at the loss of a family member

How is this not a no brainer for you ?

You intervened (fairly) and Bil wasn’t happy and told you to mind your business

It seems a reach that he would now go to uncles funeral and cause a scene, unprovoked

I don't think I'd go to the funeral of someone I'd never met.

@Fizzlestix asking for my DH, myself and DH cousins to see the body was my business. DH was too upset to do it and relatives were arriving from abroad for exactly this. It wasn't a case of me overstepping family business. BIL was being a twat. BIL is the type of person who would definitely delight in once again telling me I'm not family or otherwise being rude, even if just to wind DH up. My worry is If I go, and BIL is rude, DH won't let it go and I won't be able to stop him from confronting BIL, particularly after both of them have a drink at the wake. They no longer get on as brothers. BIL is a very belligerent, rude, snarky type and DH although normally very placid, is easily wound up by him. If I stay home it will be one less issue that BIL can use to wind up DH.

Be there for the family and for your dh. Your bil does not require any time or headspace. Make sure you stick to dh's side so if his crappy brother starts, he will do so in full hearing of your dh.
The best way to exact revenge is not to feed his delight in hurting you.

@katy1213 it's my DH uncle and I'd be going to support him. Also in our culture I'd be expected to go, even if I've never met him. Everyone attends funerals of even distant relatives, friends, workmates etc. Funerals are a big thing, it's about showing respect for the dead.

To clarify I meant that you were fair in asking but he told you to mind your own. I referenced this only because it ‘provoked’ him
Compared to uncles funeral when he will not be provoked and so is unlikely to say anything

It’s a shame if you feel like he will actively come up to you, at a funeral, to start a fight. That seems quite awful. However I would take the opportunity to make a plan with dh on how you will both respond and tackle it if you feel that’s going to be the case

You’re right it would be one less issue
But dh wouldn’t be supported when he’s asked to be. Would you want that if it were the other way round? I wouldn’t

Who is grieving ? Your Aunt. Your Husband. Do they need your support ? Yes. In 20 years time, they will still remember that you were there. That's was is relevant. Don't miss the plot. The BIL said and behaved as if you were not his family, he is the one who opted out, you can treat him as he wishes, you are there for your family, ignore him. You decide what will be your course of action in the event that this person provokes you. I expect this coward will not do a thing. You are not helping your husband by sending him alone there. It will not solve the issue.

Your husband wants/needs your support so this should be the priority above anything else.

You’ve been married 20yrs but never met his uncle? Funerals are for celebrating the dead, which you can’t as you didn’t know him but they are also about supporting grieving loved ones and they want you there

I assume you’re Irish or in Ireland? If so
I’m from the same culture and I think it’s important you go to support your husband. I’ve gone to funerals of people I knew not as well as a husbands uncle. Like you said it’s important in your culture- so do it and just ignore the BIL If he causes a scene that’s on him not you.