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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not micro managing my son's GCSE work/revision

61 replies

tactum · 24/02/2020 14:30

DS (Y11) has a history of doing the bare minimum all through school, really really bright boy - got all 7s and 6s in mocks with very little work.
Today according to him, is the day he gets his act together and is saying he'll do 2 hours work a night, mainly just doing notes at the moment. My issue is, he is saying the only way this will work is if I take responsibility for taking his phone off him during 2 separate hour long slots in the evening. He says its the only thing hes asking of me and why can't I do it for him? My argument is that he should just set an alarm on his phone for the 2 sessions and then just bring it to me. He says this won't work. I know if I say lets try it, he'll make sure it fails and he forgets.
I just don't accept that an intelligent lad is basically trying to make it my responsibility to make sure he works. If I'm not here then what will he do?
Aaargh any advice/tips? He gets so mad when I say it's not practical and we end up arguing.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 24/02/2020 14:48

I'd be saying to him that I'm prepared to compromise - I'll do it on the nights I'm home, but it's up to him to self-manage on the evenings I'm out.

I'll put my hand up to getting DH to put a lock on a particular forum I was on when I was studying around exam time - I have the will power of a gnat - so I kind of see where he's coming from.

salty78 · 24/02/2020 14:49

I feel totally responsible as a parent for the fact that my year 11 DD is literally addicted to her smart phone ( as are all her friends and every other teenager I know ) and if she asked me to take it off her so she could focus better on her revision I would be over the moon.

TheOrigBrave · 24/02/2020 14:53

While I think it's good that he's recognised that he needs to have his phone completely out of reach while he studies, I don't think his plan can work if he's asking you to choose the two 1hr slots.

What does he say when you ask him how it will work on the evenings you are not there?
I think it's unreasonable of him to expect you to basically be at his beck and call every evening until exams are over.

PawPawNoodle · 24/02/2020 14:53

I think it's a bit sad how resistant you are since its his suggestion, however I do understand that you feel it's a frustration you dont need.

Tell him to get an app called Forest, I use it myself sometimes if I need to ensure instant off my phone (mainly because the idea of ruining my trees makes me sad)

Poorolddaddypig · 24/02/2020 14:55

Just do it for him. It’s not a big ask and it sounds like he’s really had a revelation and wants to make an improvement and all he wants is the one tiny thing from you... and for no real reason you’re sort of pissing on his bonfire and making excuses not to do this really minor thing?!

Coolcucumber2020 · 24/02/2020 14:58

I’d just do it. Explain you can’t always be around and what will he do them too.

I have a very disorganized teenager and I’d have loved him to ask for my help! I would offer as he just lacked the skills to discipline himself, but he would refuse.

PostNotInHaste · 24/02/2020 14:58

There is a hell of a lot of pressure in them at the moment and although my input is not needed into actual revision I want to set up an environment conducive to doing as well in the exams as possible.

DS isn’t exactly sure what I can do to help but I have come up with a few things that I will take over that he usually does until the summer.

If that’s all the input he wants it’s not much though I agree not possible on nights you aren’t there but I would come ti a compromise.

Topseyt · 24/02/2020 15:00

I don't get this! He has asked you for a bit of support here and you seem to be choosing to pick a fight with him.

Just call him each time when you want him to bring his phone down to you and make sure he does it. You then call him again to come and pick it up when the time is up. Hardly onerous, and it sounds as though it would be a help to him.

Be grateful that he has identified this issue himself and is looking to you to help him.

It will literally be seconds of your time. Just do it! I'm a pretty hands-off parent, but I would do that if asked.

goingoverground · 24/02/2020 15:03

I think he's being pretty mature about this. He's recognised that he has a problem with getting started on tasks (as do many adults), procrastinating/being distracted and has come up with a strategy to help him. It's not ideal as it is still relying on mum but it's a good start.

I'd help him out to give him an initial push, these things are always easier once you've made a start, but get him to put an alarm on his phone for the time slots and once he's got into the routine, push the responsibility back on him to bring the phone to you. It will also give him the confidence to see that he can do it for himself. You could also suggest he researches ways to turn his phone/wifi off automatically. He might also find the Pomodoro technique useful.

When he's asking you to tell him to revise, what he is saying he needs is "accountability". Perhaps you could encourage him to timetable his revision and make a chart to tick off thats stuck to the fridge? Or use one of the apps but share the log in so you can see it. The timetable will help him organise his revision, seeing things ticked off will motivate him, and having it visible makes him accountable. Or maybe he can find a better strategy.

I imagine there are plenty of grown adults on here right now using MN to procrastinate. Your DS isn't alone...

notalwaysalondoner · 24/02/2020 15:14

A lot of adults really struggle to put their phones down to get on with work (how many of us replying here are at work...?) so he is actually being very proactive and mature in recognising he might get distracted and so wants you to help him. Also, GCSE revision is not the time to push your son on this, his priority should be revision, not self control around his phone (which he is already recognising as an issue and asking you to help with). I get that your saying he should at least be able to bring it to you without a reminder, but maybe that’s something you build up to over a few weeks once he’s more in a routine?

Honestly if it was acceptable for me to ask my boss to take my phone off me and turn off the internet for a couple of hours a day to help me concentrate, I would!

FizzyIce · 24/02/2020 15:18

We left ds to his own devices , we had to or how will he ever learn to apply himself ?
He did really well and same for A levels .
You can’t always be there to give him a push

FizzyIce · 24/02/2020 15:20

On reflection though ,if ds asked for this I would do it

Sh05 · 24/02/2020 15:25

You just explain to him that you'll do it on the days you're home. I don't see how it's such a big deal.
Just give him a shout to bring it down to you or go and pick it up from his room then return after the time is up.
If he has a OnePlus phone then get him to put his phone into 'zen' mode so he can't respond to any messages and browse.

TheOrigBrave · 24/02/2020 15:25

What is the OP meant to do on the evenings she is out?

Pipandmum · 24/02/2020 15:26

He doesn't need to study every single evening. Just do it the times you are around and tell him he has to do it when you aren't - ask him to set an alarm on his phone to remind him.
Micromanaging is setting up a revision schedule, making sure they are doing it, checking their work and asking teachers about what he/she should be doing etc. You are NOT micromanaging if you are simply helping him by taking his phone.
To be honest if that's all it would have taken for my son to revise I'd be thanking my lucky stars.

MyDcAreMarvel · 24/02/2020 15:29

I'm all in favour of him doing it, it's the fact that he's making it my responsibility
But it is your responsibility he is a child, you are the parent. Your ds sounds really sensible.

OkMaybeNot · 24/02/2020 15:32

He's asking for the bare minimum of help from you. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to do it

SoupDragon · 24/02/2020 15:32

I'd be happy enough to take the phone away. It's not "micro managing". I'd prefer to if he brought it to me though.

lazylinguist · 24/02/2020 15:33

I think this is very sensible of him. He is recognising his weakness and asking you to help him do something about it. Let's face it, there are plenty of fully grown adults who totally fail to deal with their smartphone addiction, and he's just a teenager! I'd be thrilled if my 14yo dd suggested this to me, and I am not a micromanager of her schoolwork at all.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 24/02/2020 15:33

he is saying the only way this will work is if I take responsibility for taking his phone off him during 2 separate hour long slots in the evening. He says its the only thing hes asking of me and why can't I do it for him? My argument is that he should just set an alarm on his phone for the 2 sessions and then just bring it to me. He says this won't work. I know if I say lets try it, he'll make sure it fails and he forgets.

I would try his suggestion for a couple of weeks and see how it goes. It's partly about getting him into the habit, and you showing him support. It may be that after a few goes he brings the phone to you himself.

And... make taking the phone off him the only thing you do. Tell him you will set a beeper for yourself, when it goes off then you go find him and he gives you the phone immediately. No nagging or arguing or fannying around, if he doesn't hand the phone over you leave straight away leaving him with the phone until you come back for the next session.

On the evenings when you are out you say "sorry I'm not available, you'll have to figure out some other solution". Three evenings a week revision with no nagging is better than none.

You can also make "no bitching" a condition of you giving the reminders. I did something similar for my DS - he wanted to be nagged about homework, and I agreed but only on condition he didn't complain when I did it.

Good luck (and to your DS with his studies!)

Aramox · 24/02/2020 15:36

If he has an iphone you could install screentime and turn it off remotely.

PlanDeRaccordement · 24/02/2020 15:37

this is a small thing to do for your ds. You can always take his phone with you when you go out.
Many parents do much more. It’s nit you being responsible or managing his GCSE revision- he’s doing that. Asking for you to hold his phone while he revises is him managing his GCSEs

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 24/02/2020 15:38

Also - from zero to 2 hours per night is a big jump. You might suggest starting with one half-hour session, then build it up if that goes OK.

Eeeeek2 · 24/02/2020 15:43

Can’t you just use one of those apps that set screen time limits and lock the phone for the agreed 2 hours. Then you don’t actually have to do anything after setting it up

Original poster

tactum · 24/02/2020 15:46

OK, so just to be clear I am pleased he's saying all the right things about knuckling down etc. Of course I want him to do well. It was the 'I'll not do any work unless you come and remind me' which I object to - it's not like he's going to forget he's got GCSE's! I know it doesn't seem labour intensive to me, and I'm grateful I don't need to sit with him and help him too much.

I've decided to do a compromise for a couple of weeks - if we agree the two time slots we'll both set alarms for then and I'll then seek him out and take his phone off him, there and then. I agree with a 'no bitching' rule. And we'll review after 2 weeks so we can both see how it's going. We might find it's not working, or I might find it's easy enough to do. On one of the nights out I might get the chance to text him a reminder, but the other he'll definitely be on his own as my phone will be off.

Thanks again for feedback/suggestions.

OP posts:

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