Just sanity checking!
I have 2 children with STBXH. We've been separated for 3 years, he earns £150k a year but refuses to pay maintenance, and has moved to Egypt since our split. I'm very careful to not let financial matters cloud my judgement on access, but he accuses me of doing so which is why I've added that info.
We have a court order awarding him 50% of the school holidays. Our children are 5 & 7, the 7 year old has autism and severe (intensive care-level) asthma. When the girls return from spending a week with him, they're clingy, toenails haven't been cut/teeth haven't been brushed, exhausted as he doesn't put them to bed, just lets them watch TV until they drop, and he's not reliable at giving asthma meds/adjusting his lifestyle so as not to exacerbate asthma. My eldest is largely non-verbal, and says even less when she returns from spending time with her father, and there is the usual 'settling in' period when they both behave a little badly, which I believe is common.
He previously called the children's schools saying they were sick (obviously they weren't), and took them on holiday for a week on the day he should have handed them back to me. Until very recently the courts forbade him from taking them abroad at all. He's now allowed to, with conditions attached.
He wants to have the DDs for 4 consecutive weeks over the summer holidays, and to take them to Egypt for the entire time. His girlfriend will also be present - there was also a court order saying that the children were not to spend time with her until recently, as she's violent and police were often called to their arguments. I don't believe 4 consecutive weeks is in the best interests of the girls - they are not used to being without me for so long, and the impacts on their hygiene/autism/health/exposure to aggression etc are more at risk for this longer term.
He's also insisting he has them in some form for every Christmas. That we take it in turns to have them for Christmas morning, with the other parent seeing them from 12-5pm on Christmas Day. This doesn't work for me on lots of levels. I don't want to disrupt my Christmas Day by seeing him (he's unpleasant), I don't want to have limitations on my day eg if I want a Bucks Fizz breakfast, I've spent the last 2 Christmases with my new in-laws 2 hours away, and will want to do so again as we have a 5 month old baby, whose 1st Christmas the girls spent with their dad. It's a lovely, proper family Christmas, DDs are very much part of the family, and really enjoyed their Christmas there. I've offered to allow him to collect from my partner's family home, he says no, even though he stays in Airbnbs when he comes here, so it's of no material difference. He says if I can't let him have a portion of the day, then I should give him the whole day. I don't see why I should have to interrupt my day, and I also think it's important that the girls get proper celebration time with me, since I spend most of the rest of the year nagging them to do homework/brush their teeth/eat vegetables.
If I don't agree by the end of the day, he apparently has no choice but to get a "very good lawyer" and tell the courts I'm denying him access to his children. I'm pretty confident the courts will agree with me, and that he's bullying yet again.
AIBU?