Am I unreasonable

[Mum3pinks]

My partner of 15 years has been messaging his ex from 20 years ago, I shouldn't have read his messages I know but I had a nagging doubt so I looked, it said he'd sent a valentines kiss message and he thought about the way she used to bite his lip! When I confronted him he said it was a joke! I'm hurt and angry as I feel he has betrayed me, he says he hasn't as it was just a message, am I wrong?

Unless you have regularly been checking up on him in the last 15 years, you had that "nagging doubt" for a reason. As for "just a message" so does he think it's ok to send sexual messages? Or tell someone he loves them over message? After all, they're "just" messages. I wouldn't be happy if it was me, but are they messaging frequently? Is it flirty in general?

You are not BU and I would bet my life he wouldn't like it if you were messaging your ex in that way either

Me and an ex broke up over something similar. I knew he still messaged her but when I saw kisses and babes at the end of the messages and the fact he turned to her for comfort over a death in the family that was enough for me. We broke up shortly after. He couldn't understand what the problem was. It's definitely a betrayal.

Trust your instincts on this. He is at the very least flirting with his ex which could easily move on to other things. YANBU to be vexed.

At best it’s disrespectful to you. I know I wouldn’t be ok with that.

Thankyou for your replies

He's out of order
Don't put up with this shit

He’s out of order especially on Valentine’s Day.

Some ducking joke.

If he wants to own his behaviour - that after 15 years, sometimes a relationship can lack excitement and it’s a bit of a thrill flirting with an ex, especially because you feel in “safe” territory - because after all, it’s an ex right? So he’s not actually LOOKING... but yes - it was a really hurtful thing to do and he apologised and wants to fix the reason he did it... then - and only then - would I say, humans are weak, counselling may help, or talking to each other.

But if he doesn’t own the behaviour? Dead in the water. Cut your losses and dump him.

I don’t condone his behaviour but I do understand it. But I absolutely wouldn’t accept that “joke” bullshit. Joke? What’s the amusing bit then?

A joke? You don’t message your ex of 20 years ago and do that. YANBU, he’d be out on the streets if that was my DH.

I’m friends with a (brief) ex. He would call me babes or put a kiss at the end of his texts all the time. It means nothing, he does it to everyone, and my husband wouldn’t care. But if he started trying to discuss the things we used to do when we were lovers that would be a huge no no for me. That stuff is dead and buried to me and I don’t want to remember those days, and it would feel like he was trying to fan the flames. So in your case I’d feel suspicious too.

How is referencing a highly sexual-sounding practice with an ex-girlfriend, to said ex-girlfriend, a joke? He’s the only joke here. He was a clearly hoping to engage in a very sexually-charged conversation with his ex, at best.

I’d be hurt and furious.

Why would he need to be in touch with his ex ?!?!?

Not a joke at all. I’d be wanting to know why he was even in touch with her and would be very unhappy about this