To be hurt by partner’s double standards

[DaffodilsAndDandelions]

Just that really. Can you please read the following transcript and tell me if I am or not? For context, he has decided to go to DS14mo swimming lesson this morning and neither of us are working due to 6inch snow (Gardner’s). I’ve got a house viewing this afternoon he doesn’t know about as I want to leave.
Me: what are you doing this afternoon?
Him: laughter
Me: I don’t see how that’s a funny question
Him: I’ve just sat down, it’s snowed, I have no idea what I’m doing this afternoon.
Me: eye roll 🙄 are you looking after DS all day or do I need to get him after swimming?
Him: why what are you planning?
Me: I don’t know, depends if I have DS or not really.
Him: oh so we’re planning completely separate lives anyway.
Me: ignore and walk away so as not to argue

For more context, he swanned off to the pub at 4 on Saturday and got home at 10. Then went again on Sunday at 3:30 and I picked him up at 6:30. So I would say he plans plenty of separate stuff for him without ever asking if I’m ok to look after DS.
What do you all think?

Just tell him you looked after DS so he could go to pub on weekend, it is his turn to look after so you can have some alone time to wander the shops/ go for a walk.

Imo as you have decided you are over he has no intention of making your life easier. Take this a da sign of things to come. Go about your life as if he doesn't exist. Ime this will keep your mh as well it as it can be initially post split...
He is a twat.
Presumably you are aware that why you want to leave?

I cant see any double standards here, just two people not actually communicating properly

I also fail to see double standards, you’re both doing the same thing and refusing to communicate with each other.

What do you mean you have a house viewing he doesn’t know about, have you not told him your splitting up and you’re selling the house? Or are you viewing one to buy/rent?

The double standard is that it’s perfectly ok for him to go and do something on his own but not for me to plan an afternoon on my own.
We rent at the moment. I am looking atone for me to rent on my own. No he doesn’t know because I think I would be foolish to tell him I’m leaving and not have somewhere to go straight to. He can be angry and aggressive.

I can't see any double standards. You are both refusing to actually say what you want in the hope the other one bites first.

In my house that conversation would have gone:
Me: Do you have plans later, or can you look after DS after his swimming lesson?

Him: Don't know what I'm doing yet, so should be ok. Why, what are you planning?
Me: Just wanted some time to myself after having DS for a load of the weekend.
Him : yeah, sure

Cross posted. But he hasn't said you can't have an afternoon on your own? You haven't even said you want one? In fact by asking about his plans first, you're suggesting that if he did have plans, they would trump your plans. You either ask him if he can look after DS after the swimming lesson, or, if you're making a point, you just announce when DH leaves for the lesson that you're heading out on your own and will see him later (thereby making the assumption he has to look after DS).

I don’t see double standards, just two people being immature and living in a bad atmosphere.

Sorry OP. I also don't see a double standard. Just the fact that your right and this relationship is over.

If we had tried the conversation above then it would not have had the same result. It would have been him trying to get us to do something together such as walk dog. Not happening with this snow and a sleeping boy.
I can see I worded it wrong, his plans do often trump mine. He’s supposed to be working today and then this wouldn’t have happened. Can’t garden in snow tho.
I normally have DSall day and don’t have to explain myself.

Yanbu,I do see a double Standard.
He comments on YOU wanting a separate life but he does the very same thing over the weekend.
So he wants your afternoon plans to include him but his doesnt include you or ds?
It's good that you're leaving him.

You both sound stuck. He sounds like he is aware you are separating and you were not clear enough with him. Asking what he’s doing is not the same as asking can you pick up DS.

It just sounds like the end.

Sounds like he knows what you're planning.

Are you both named on the tenancy? Are you contracted for a certain period of time? Just wondering if you took on another tenancy how easy it would be to get your name off the joint one or if he would make you pay up your share for the one you’re currently in and then you’re paying rent on 2 properties? Sorry, just my boring sensible head on x

Unless he is an abusive partner, then to go and view a house with a view to leaving him without discussing it with him shows that you are the one with the communication problem.

You don't make it clear that you want him to look after DS this afternoon.

Him: oh so we’re planning completely separate lives anyway.
Me: ignore and walk away so as not to argue
Ignoring and walking away is not communicating. If this is your normal way of dealing with issues then I'm not surprised your relationship has broken down. Can't you try talking instead? You might find that by talking (and listening) calmly and expressing what you are
each unhappy about, you could find a better way forward for both of you.

I would think about why he gets angry and aggressive. Is he just like that for no good reason or does your (poor) communication style contribute to it.

I think the way you communicate may be part of why your relationship isn't a happy positive one.

Well, I can see a couple of options. One is to simply take DS with you to the viewing. The other is to leave the house while your partner is at the swimming lesson, and stay out until after you’ve done the viewing. That way, he will have to look after DS whether he wants to or not.
As for the PPs saying you should communicate - have they never realised that telling an abusive aggressive partner you are leaving is extremely dangerous?
I’d keep your plans carefully under wraps until the moment you leave. And have someone with you as security when you do - a friend, brother or father.

@NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite did you just ask op if it's her own fault her partner is aggressive??

If he's home all day due to cancelled plans my conversation with DH would have gone: "I'm out this afternoon, I would have taken DS with me but it'll be much easier if I leave him with you."

It feels his plans trump yours because he doesn't ask he tells and then you don't want to argue. You need to adopt a similar approach and not give him a choice.

@NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite

It is NOT my fault. I am finally starting to see that his anger is his responsibility not mine after feeling like it was all my fault for 4 years.
I say nothing and walk away because if I respond it just makes an argument and he will never back down.

@FabledBunny yes we are both named on the tenancy. Hope Hope he won’t make me pay rent and a half. Don’t think so though. He likes to be seen to be the model boyfriend in public and knows fine well I’d tell our mutual friends if he pulled that stunt.

@Brazi103 Thankyou for seeing what I see.

As it happens the viewing is cancelled, and so are the swimming lessons. The snow is really really bad here!

@sleepingStandingup

No I dont think Noteverything is saying that at all.
She stipulates that that her comment is based on him not being an abusive partner, but if you act in a certain way, do not be surprised if you get ppl get defensive and hostile in return.
To OP you know where your partner went, so this is not the same. You wanted to go out out when it is obviously dangerous to do so, off course he will be interested why and the fact that you didn't even engage to give a reason, may be a sign that you are being the aggressor this time. For me if I was in his shoes I would assume you were having an affair or worse and you didnt even care what he felt.

I think I would be foolish to tell him I’m leaving and not have somewhere to go straight to. He can be angry and aggressive.

Very wise. I’d just assume he’s looking after your DS after swimming and not be there when he gets back. If he questions it you were at the shop or something. Otherwise take DS with you as he’s not going to let on where you’ve been at his age. Hope you get it sorted and get all your ducks in a row ASAP.

Ah sorry, just saw your update. But for next time, give as little info as you can and don’t feel like you have to ask him to look after his own DC. If he’s there you can assume he will.