To be angry at him using me

[Chocolate1231]

Theres this guy I've known for 14 years we have always had a soft spot for each other but it's never gone anywhere. He then moved to the other size of the world and has lived there for 4/5 years.
Last year he randomly messaged me saying he was bad for a month and would be nice to meet up. So we did. We met up got to re know each other again and I ended up really liking him. We ended up sleeping together the last night before he left. I was gutted but knew he was going back home. Just said to him it was a shame. We messaged a few times when he was back home and I replied and then he read it and never replied? Didn't hear from him. I felt really annoying and used. I thought we could have at least remained friends and messaged each other here and there as he said he was coming back in a year's time.
Fast forward to now. I bumped into him in the supermarket. He tapped me on the shoulder. Obviously weren't expecting that and he said he's now back permenatly here. It threw me so didn't know what to say and I was with my DS too who he had never met. He said we should meet up uo a drink and I said yes. Didn't hear from him so I just messaged asking how he was. Had a small exchange of words but hasn't initiated conversation.
I'm so angry. He used me last year for sex didn't he? I've known him so long and I never thought he would be this type of guy. I thought of him as always a lovely respectable guy. AIBU to feel this way?

Sorry OP. I am not getting the 'he used me for sex' You knew he was going back, he didn't promise a relationship. You are hurt, hoping it would be more but it seems he saw it as a 'hook up'.

You do seem to have invested more in this than him hence the reason he didn't tell he was back. However, as a long standing friend, he should have had the balls to answer your email and say something along the lines of 'Sorry, didn't feel the chemistry but still want us to be friends etc'

Move on OP. You need someone with emotional maturity.

Doesn't sound like he used you at all. You had random sex together, did you think that meant you were in a relationship? Very odd if so.

No I didn't think it meant relationship but we both said it was a shame he had to go back and we enjoyed spending time together. I just thought we would carry on casually chatting now and then. Not to be totally ignored. Also I didn't see him in the supermarket so he could have just walked off and I wouldn't have know. Why tap me on the shoulder?

Maybe he didn’t use you, it could be that he didn’t feel the same way, the sex ‘just happened’ but he didn’t feel the same ‘romantic’ feelings you did but didn’t want to hurt your feeling and though he was letting you down gently (in a rubbish way).

Maybe when he bumped into you he was genuinely happy to see you but worried about you thinking now he’s back it’s potential for a relationship and he just doesn’t feel the same way but doesn’t want to hurt you.

I have been in this exact situation from his perspective.
I cared about the friend and I was stupid, didn’t see that they though something romantic was happening, we were just having a good time together and then just before I went back abroad we ended up sleeping together, it just kind of happened, it was nice but I immediately knew it was a mistake, I didn’t feel the same way they obviously did and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.
I didn’t know how to tell them I didn’t see them that way without causing upset so I just avoided mentioning anything and hoped they would make the decision we were better off as friends themselves.
But when I came back for another visit the way they acted seemed to suggest they thought we could rekindle whatever we had going so I took the cowards way out and just avoided seeing them.
When I moved back to the area I took things cautiously because I didn’t want a repeat of the last time but eventually over time we rebuild things and years later we are still close friends.

Oops name change accident there OP.
Were you hoping for things to progress beyond sex do you think? It sounds like you had different expectations unfortunately which clashed. I wouldn’t read into him saying hello in the supermarket, sounds like he was just saying hello.
Best to put it behind you and move on.

jollyandbright surely the truth would have been better for the other person?

@Chocolate1231

It would have, but I was only young at the time and I really cared about the other person and didn’t want to loose them as a friend, I really thought if I hurt their feelings they may cut contact completely and I didn’t want that, I know it was the cowards way and I do feel awful about that now but at the time I just kind of stuck my head in the sand a bit.

He hasn't used you, you just had a bit of fling with an old friend.

As for now, perhaps he's not really that interested or perhaps as he's just moved back he's busy settling in again. Who knows. Just wait and see what happens. If you met him in the supermarket you may see him again and then you can ask. He saw you and made the effort to stop and speak so he's not set out to ignore you, you may however have read more into it than him.

Sex doesn’t equal a relationship

I know sex doesn't equal a relationship but from what he was saying it sounded like he was disappointed he was leaving to.

He's just obviously not as into you as you are into him. It's harsh, but unfortunately true and you need to accept it and move on. I don't see any using either, just a different feeling about some fairly casual sex. Move on, OP. You'll feel better in time.