to expect DH to talk to me properly

[mylittleboo]

We’ve been married a long time but since the kids arrived things have been tricky. Lots of reasons why but mainly lack of a support system and extreme sleep deprivation. Years have gone by, sleep is no longer an issue but his snappiness/rudeness/bad speaking is still there. I don’t know how to describe it. Things can be great for a few weeks and we get along great, he pulls his weight, hands on dad etc etc no problem but suddenly he’ll get verbally nasty/angry. It’s unpredictable, can be about anything (no pattern) and it’s often in front of the kids. It will be like an explosion of frustration and I’m the target. So something goes wrong and I get the blame even though we’ve been having a lovely morning, everything’s fine and then suddenly bam. I’ve tried various things over the years. Meeting it with humour “oh well, I’d best get my coat and leave” or ignoring it and carrying on the day as if nothing was said...but those things leave me feeling powerless and quite frankly shit about myself, like I’m a pathetic nobody because I’m not standing up for myself. So recently I’ve started answering back and meeting whatever it is when it happens with a “fuck you mate this is rude, not my problem and go fuck yourself” kind of thing. The problem with that is it literally has taken me everything I’ve got to do because it’s just not my nature. It’s in front of my kids so they’re seeing a side of me that I never ever wanted them to see and I’m devastated about that. I’m emotionally drained by it because I’m just not resilient when it comes to this stuff. I’m anxious and having to get prepared for the next time long before it happens and I have to be ready every day. I feel ripped apart. I rarely laugh anymore and I just feel hugely depressed about it all. The result of my standing up has led to him apologising for his behaviour but sometimes it will take days of silent treatment to get to that. There’s this under current all the time and he has this attitude of “being hard done by” even though it’s always him that provokes this stuff with whatever words/rudeness he has blurred out. I don’t understand why he does it, how to stop it or if this is just something that happens in every long term marriage as “people aren’t perfect” which is his excuse. After one of these exchanges it then gets more difficult because he then wants lots of hugs and attention and becomes very touchy feely and it’s quite honestly the last thing I want at that point. AIBU to imagine that other long term marriages don’t include this type of speaking to each other? That if something goes wrong you wouldn’t get verbally nasty with your partner?

Oh dear
I have been there. That silent treatment made me want to tear my hair out
It's horrible and frustrating. And abuse.
I left in the end
Never regretted it
I think he does it because he likes watching you tie yourself in knots
If you can think of any other reason, hang in there. If you can't, do yourself and your ou6ds a favour and end this

No it's not normal, he's an abusive arsehole. Has he ever been physically violent with you? Don't let your children grow up thinking this is a normal way to be with your partner. I would sit him down and have a long talk about how this is impacting on you and how it will affect your children growing up. If he agrees, he can go and seek some support with it. If he refuses, I would be making plans to leave. Good luck

I’ve tried talking but it’s impossible to talk to him about this stuff without him becoming defensive and it degenerating into more silent treatment or bad atmosphere.

Yes, this is abuse. He needs to stop. If he is unwilling to change, then you need to leave him. You deserve better, and walking on egg shells is miserable and drains your energy.

My dh was a bit like this. I spoke to him many times about what poor communication it was and how the dc were starting to coy him. When he noticed that himself he really tried to change and has been very successful in reflecting and bhsnging the way he deals with what he perceives to be criticism. I also have to reflect on the way I interact with the dc at times. My dh has changed, but I think lots won’t.

No violence at all and like I say it only happens every few weeks and out of nowhere and it comes from frustration or if he’s not getting his own way or things like road rage set it off. For example, somebody cut him up once and he wound down the window and started shouting “wanker”. Fine but we had very young kids in the car at the time hearing and seeing that. I said “can you stop” and he then he got shouty/angry with me because in that moment he’s furious/riled. It’s hard for me to know how to handle situations like that. I literally don’t know what to do for the best. He’s now started silently mouthing rude words so technically he’s reigned it in and the chances are the kids don’t now realise/see/hear but I do. I find it mortifying and embarrassing and I just don’t know what to do. I’m basically on here begging for help. Do I just ignore it in that situation? It’s his right to do what he wants but the kids are in the car and I feel like a pathetic doormat for not challenging that kind of behaviour but when I do it goes bad for me! And it’s not all the time. It might be 2 out of 5 journeys for example but now I’m on edge at the start of every journey. This is just one example. I know I’m sensitive but I just can’t bear aggression/rudeness/shouting or confrontation. I hate it.

Did he just do that by himself @Haggisfish or did he get counselling?

It’s abuse op, and I wouldn’t lower myself to swearing and being rude infront of the dc, they need to know it’s not normal and that dp is in the wrong.
Dp used to be like this, and I ended it. He took himself to the gp and was diagnosed with depression. We got back together after he completely changed, and he hasn’t sworn at me in years. He had no idea how bad his behaviour was.

I’m not saying your dp is depressed, some people are just arseholes. If he’s not willing to stop being rude (which it sounds like he doesn’t care), LTB. You deserve better

P.s it doesn’t matter if you’re sensitive, you shouldn’t have to bear shouting and confrontation!!

So he's shouting 'wanker' and you're telling him to 'go fuck yourself' while your children are with you. You are so like The Waltons it's untrue! No it's not normal, obviously, and your children deserve better parents.

Both me and my husband are a bit guilty of this when we're tired and stressed. Not so much being rude or sweary to each other, more just curt. It generally means for us that we need to reconnect with each other and havent had much time alone to have fun in a while. Once we start being more affection again it tends to stop.

The other day I was in his way and he told me to 'move'. I wanted to go ape shit at him, it was so rude, but hed been up for hours as had been up with the kids in the night. I said to him I understood he was tired and i was right in his way but however annoyed he was at me, he had no right to speak to me like that and I wouldnt accept being spoken to like that again. He kept saying 'yes but you were....' (his most annoying habit is a half apology) and I said it didnt matter wtf I was doing, there is no way he would speak to a stranger in a shop or a colleague at work like that and there was never any excuse for speaking to me like that. He eventually apologised.

This example for us was rare and extreme and to be fair is probably tit for tat in our house.

The sulking though I think is sustained manipulation rather than heat of the moment stuff and to me is unacceptable

This is truly dreadful OP.
Poor you.
Poor children witnessing such awful anger and language.
It is absolutely abusive and will forever change your children and their view of you and their childhood.

I appreciate this must be just terrible for you but you have to get yourself and your children away from this toxic environment.

Get yourself organised paperwork wise and start making a plan.

IRL you need to get support from family and friends.

This is a terribly environment to be in.

I would not want to make an armchair diagnosis, but perhaps have a look at this and see ifvanybof it resonates, in which case the book may be useful for you:

www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?hvlocphy=9045917&hvnetw=g&keywords=walking+on+eggshells&hvadid=259100289769&qid=1582493145&gclid=Cj0KCQiA4sjyBRC5ARIsAEHsELG614lHJwvxofy0qxibPq_X5fAjJFcHD-eYFIritGTwe1pXBlfxy7waAuQEEALw_wcB&hydadcr=28176_1821089&hvdev=t&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-297786884316&adgrpid=53570897232&hvrand=8832062690364724848&sr=8-1

There's nothing wrong with your dc seeing you be assertive, ok if you're being aggressive back that's maybe not the best tact. I think the next time round is have a few sentences to hand. Such as

Do not be rude to me
This is not acceptable behaviour from you
I will not tolerate being spoken to like that (and walk off)
Stop shouting at me
It's unacceptable to swear in front of the dc (walk away with them if you can)
How dare you talk to me like that

You can be straight and harsh and very very direct without being aggressive.

As for the sulking, I'd pull him straight up on it, there and then, and when he decides to come out if it is be sitting him down and telling him this isn't acceptable

do you know if the same thing happened with his parents? My first marriage of 28 years was with a man who never shouted or sulked. My second is with a man (now 10 years) who does shout and sulk. So I was pretty shocked when this started happening.

Shouting back was the worst thing to do, i learned. Instead I now calmly say - it is not acceptable/don't snap/don't shout and, as someone else stated, walk out of the room. As for sulking, well, when that happens I just leave for a while, I tell him that I can see he's upset, and i will leave him be. We don't have any children, so that helps a bit.

As for the car, perhaps you can avoid going with him anywhere for a while, if you have your own car. And if he asks, calmly explain why....

Good luck, this behaviour is not acceptable, but it isn't unusual either.

Some very good advice thank you everyone. In answer to a question, yes it did happen between his parents who had a very acrimonious/bitter divorce. I had no idea this would be a factor in my life. My parents are still together and I didn’t grow up with this kind of thing. I grew up very sheltered, over protected and naive. I am not resilient against other people’s aggression and avoid shouty/toxic friends. I don’t do female gossip friendship groups. I can’t negotiate or understand that stuff. I like nice, straight forward, practical people. This is why I struggle with the verbal onslaughts. I am going to note those phrases down and practice them thank you and use them from now on.

We did go to marriage counselling which helped him reflect on his own upbringing but I think he listened to me when he wasn’t angry and he takes time to reflect. He will still often take things I say as criticism but he’s getting better. He is also better now the children can say ‘can you not swear so kick as I don’t like hearing it’ to him-he apologises and has made an effort to stop.

So much not so kick!

I put up with this for 9 years, I tried begging, talking, asking, sticking up for myself, In The end I changed into some one I didn't know to keep the peace. Mainly because my mum is deceased and I didn't know if I could do it all alone.

I left last year took my daughter with me. I now live a happy very successful life and am still healing from the abuse. But I'm happy and I'm me again. Please don't let your children think this is how a man talks to a woman, or the cycle will repeat as it did with my ex and his dad.

You can do this, the light gets bigger the closer you move towards it

X

It sounds as if he may need some help with anger management.

I don't think your reaction is a good thing to role model for your kids. Try calm and assertive instead of swearing and rude. Think Supernanny: "Don't speak to me like that", "That's not acceptable", "Leave the room for a few minutes until you're calmer", etc.

Ultimately, you need to find a way to talk to him about this - why he's doing it, how it makes you feel, and whether he's prepared to find ways to deal with it (e.g. anger management). If he isn't, I would suggest it's a deal-breaker (it would be for me, but YMMV).