Some advice required !!

[swirls3468]

Hi,
really need some advice on my current situation as I'm beginning to get a little disheartened by it all.
Long story short I am currently living at my bfs house with also his parents his sister and his niece who is 5.
I find it hard but we are saving for a house so will be moved out by the end of the year hopefully.
Anyway, I have become exceedingly close to my partners niece as she lives with us and spends a lot of time with me. She is also very attached to me. I take her out a lot including at the weekends and look after her on her own also. I've become part of her routine, I cook her dinner sometimes , bathe her, bedtime routine etc. Her mum doesn't really seem as interested but isn't a terrible mother, I mean she enjoys the going out activities more and doesn't seem to think teaching your child manners and respect etc is really that important. Her mum has got a history of mental health issues and is also very selfish and always puts herself before her child no matter what- which I find very sad. I have kind of taken this child under my wing and shown her lots of love and given her my time.
Anyway getting to the main point. I find it really difficult to sit back and watch her being parented so poorly. Sometimes it's 9.30pm on a school night and I can see she's really tired and her mum is just sat on her phone and I find myself prompting her to put her to bed.
I feel like I'm interfering a lot of the time because I understand she's not my child and her mum could tell me to F off, but it's really hard when I can see what's best for her and I care about her.

Just seeking some advice really? Do I completely step back and try not to get involved at all? Or should I continue as I am?
Thanks for taking your time to read this!! Not really discussed with partner as don't want him to think I'm being OTT.

Maybe just drop in "hey SIL, do you want me to put DN to bed? Its getting quite late".

Aw keep on helping, you are doing a really nice thing.

Could you ‘go for a bath’ at 7pm and put dn to bed on your way up?

You are doing a great job. Keep your head up. Your BF niece will see when she grows up how loving and caring you have been. Not to say her mum doesn't but she will appreciate the love and attention you give her

Don't the grandparents say anything to their daughter about her parenting? Supporting her to raise the child?

@ShawshanksRedemption Yes they do but not as much as I think they should. They tell her but she doesn't listen anyway and carries on the way she is. She's one of these that has never grown up.

@jadey0885 Thank you! Needed to hear this xx

No problem @swirls3468
Just remember to look after yourself to my lovely.

It's good that you've got your nieces best interests at heart, but I think you might need to talk about it with your BF. I can see you otherwise getting quite angry and resentful if the mum doesn't take notice when you move out. I imagine you'll be worrying too, and your BF will pick up on this.

Continue doing what you are doing if you are enjoying it but I personally wouldn't say anything to either her mother or anyone else in the family. Nobody likes being told what to do or even hinted that they are doing anything wrong. I cannot see that sort of idea ending well for anyone involved. Despite what people say, I see it time and time again: nobody really likes being criticised.

@tiggerkid yeah I get what you are saying, I try not to be critical but rather suggest things..
It's difficult not to say anything when basic things are missed like the child not having a shower when she needs one etc. I just have to say things sometimes cus I know it's in her best interest and not really bothered what the mum thinks because she's quite frankly a bit of an idiot.

Talk to your partner. Something needs to change, otherwise what happens when you move out?

What happens when you eventually move out op? Who will help the little girl then?

What does your boyfriend think have you discussed it? Is he like his family? Could you have the same problem when you have kids together and he doesn’t meet their basic needs? All things you need to think about if you see a future with your boyfriend.

Good for you, OP. Keep doing what you're doing. I agree with tiggerkid -- there's no point in bringing anything up to the mother. It won't help, (and also since you mentioned she has mental health issues, maybe remind yourself to be kind to her???). What do you think would happen if you say directly to your bf's niece, "time for a bath" and then bathe her and put her to bed, bypassing her mother? Maybe you can do it at the same time every night so she gets into a routine.

You're doing a really good thing, OP. Your bf's niece is lucky you came into her life.

Aw you sound like such a lovely person! His sister should feel lucky that she has someone as helpful as you! I have no advice but just wanted to add this to the thread xxx

@ilovedjerrymore Hi!! Yes have discussed with partner and he thinks exactly the same as me and he is nothing like his sister at all. Him and His family are all fine, very clean etc and hygienic. The sister is the odd one out really? I think it's just laziness she would rather focus on herself than her child. Even though she only does about 8 hours a week at work and nothing much else the rest of the week. God knows what will happen when I move out I do worry but I also can't wait to have my own space.

Firstly, I'd have a quick chat with SIL and make sure she's happy with the way you are with DD - just tell her you care for DN a lot but don't want to be treading on anyone's toes.

Then things like "hey DN I was going for a bath- do you want yours first?"

Or "do you fancy going to read a story?" Then put her to bed after her story.