To want to be with someone who can keep in contact? Feel so sad and resentful

[Everythingsonme]

Been with DP for 2 years now, we don’t live together but live 15 mins away from each other. He never texts or calls me unless I call/text him first, never initiate to meet up, everything is on me. We don’t talk/meet up unless I initiate. The only time he gets in contact is if I don’t contact him for 2-3 days, then I’ll get a ‘hey how are you?’ text. His phone is literally glued to his hands and he’s always online on WhatsApp, but he doesn’t initiate anything. So it’s not like he’s “useless” with phone. It’s not like he hates texting or talking on the phone, he can sometimes be on the phone to his friends for an hour or two. They obviously call him.

When we are together he is affectionate and lovely, but when we’re apart I don’t hear from him unless initiate contact.

I get jealous of my friends OHs who’s always in contact with them, nothing extreme just a call or two and a few texts back and forth.

I feel frustrated and resentful. I don’t feel loved or wanted when he goes 2-3 days without speaking to me, and he’s fine with that. I need someone who wants to keep in contact with me during the day, or even a evening call at the end of the day would do it for me. But no contact for days, I can’t do that. I’ve spoken to him many times, but nothing has changed. I just feel so resentful, I guess he’s always been like this but I thought things would change.

Id get out of it if i were you, lifes too short!

Megan2018 already explained that it's not about the mobile phones, Buttersnipe, it's that he only contacts OP IF she instigates it or IF she hasn't been in touch for a few days and decides that he wants to contact her.

It's also about that OP has explained that this upsets her and he does nothing to make it better, for somebody he supposedly loves.

I do see where you're coming from, Buttersnipe. I'm not an advocate for mobile phones either but like it or not, they're here and usage is primary for many people.

Your post just now explains your point better than your first.

Yeh that wouldn't work for me either.

I need somebody who checks in with me regularly. If they don't, then the relationship doesn't add anything positive to my life really. It adds confusion, a bit of anxiety, insecurity. It's just not for me. I'm not like that in a relationship where the person wants to check in with you regularly, not because they feel you want them to but because they like communicating with you!

I went out with a man once and it was just like a series of good dates. I said that to him and then he dumped me! and I was a bit shocked for 72 hours but tbh that was the breakup that I bounced back from the quickest because once I'd processed what happened, I felt less anxious, less confused, more certain. It was all good.

I'm much braver now. I just wouldn't bother with anybody who didn't give me what feels right to me. Some men just want to squeeze you in to a few empty slots in their week. That doesn't WORK for me.

@Buttersnipe yes, that's true, once upon a time we couldn't communicate, but now we can so the absence of communication that is easily possible is quite telling.

Let him go. You want and deserve someone who's really into you. Go and find them!

See, there you go again, being obnoxious. Your first post to the OP was utterly dismissive. You carry on, I'll post around you.

Sorry, but not all of us like frequent contact - I'm very much like your DP. You would absolutely drive me nuts OP.

Doesn't mean people like us don't care. Doesn't mean we aren't interested. Doesn't mean we're players.

But it does sound like this is important to you OP, and that's all that matters. He sounds like my kinda guy, but clearly isn't for you. And flipside there are plenty of guys (like my ex) who will happily text you 100 times a day.

I went out with a guy like this, he was constantly in WhatsApp or FB, in the beginning he messaged me everyday but then I realised that it was me messaging him first all the time, so I just stopped, took him a week to finally ask if I was okay.

He doesn't meet your needs.
Any guy that takes 2-3 days to initiate contact after 18 months into a relationship is not very committed (to me) but everyone has different standards.

He doesn’t contact you because he doesn’t want to. You know there are no barriers like not being able to get to the phone etc so that’s the only reason. You can give all sorts of explanations about why he doesn’t want to, but if he did want to, he would. Sounds shit to me.

DP and I spend plenty of time apart, have our own different interests and friends and don’t feel needy towards one another, but we text regularly - a few times every day. There’s no insistence that we reply immediately and no umbrage taken if we don’t, but it’s an ongoing conversation that unwinds at its own pace. I’d miss it if we didn’t - it’s the thread that keeps us together when we’re apart. It’s not suffocating because it’s not forced and there’s no upset if we can’t join in. The thing is that we want to check in with one another!

Say what i said to the guy who did this to me.
"This feels like just a series of dates. No relationship has evolved out of 18 months of dating. Which is kind of unbelievable".

He hasn’t changed after you’ve told him it upsets you so I’d say he doesn’t care enough about you, OP, sorry. I had to talk to my DH about phone etiquette, like an x at the end counts! He listened, knew it bothered me so now does it.

We all have different standards and needs and it sounds like you are not compatible with him. It’s hard to say that the frequency of contact is in direct proportion to how much someone cares though. I’m another one of those who doesn’t like daily check ins but that doesn’t mean I don’t care. If I felt like I had to contact every day I’d quite quickly get resentful.

I think he’s just not that in to you, sorry. A “hi, how are you?” text is not the same as an invitation or asking to make plans. He’s letting you do all the running. In my personal experience this never ends well.

Personally I would hate it if my bf didn’t message me every morning and evening - if only to say “good morning/night - I love you”. Mind you we probably message about 50-100 x a day and speak on the phone twice. We only get to see each other every other w/e and once during the week and without this I think it would have died off gradually. But I know not everyone is like this ...

It sounds like he's not that bothered about you to be honest

@John470322 you sound like a good man, your wife is lucky to have you

It's starting to affect my health, I missed my period for 2 months last year because of stress and anxiety. Constantly thinking 'how can he go days without speaking to me' why this why that. He have to drive past my house to get to his after work and I'm constantly thinking how can he do that? How can he not want to come round? I'd never drive past his house like that.

It's so stressful and I'm so unhappy. I haven't spoken to him since Saturday night when I texted him " Goodnight ❤️" which he read and ignored. And it's Monday today.

How does he not get the urge to check in with the person he claims to love? It baffles me, but I know I need to end it. I can't go on like this anymore.

@Everythingsonme
Thanks, I'm not perfect but I do think communication is very important.