AIBU to be upset by these 'white lies' ?

[Robin42]

I have trust issues. I have been cheated on in the past, and I know that I have found it hard to let go of this.

I am so scared of being lied to, being cheated on, being left and abandoned out of the blue. I know that these are my issues, and issues that I am really trying to work on.

My partner knows how much I struggle with this, and how important it is for me to feel safe and trusting with her, but she has told me a few lies now and it really worries me. Her justification is always that she was scared to tell me the truth, and was protecting my feelings... But I have told her several times that I would rather hear the truth (which may or may not hurt me) than be told a lie which will absolutely ruin my trust in her and will ruin our relationship.

She agreed that she wouldn't tell anymore white lies or hide anything from me, but she has.

1. Hid from me who she was going to lunch with because it was someone she used to fancy and she was worried this would upset me... (I wouldn't have been upset because it was a short lived crush and nothing ever happened with them - but the fact she acting weird about it made me feel like there was something to hide!)

2. She said I could use her laptop for doing some work stuff - the procrastinator I am logged into facebook, and it came up with her profile and the notification "you changed your password 10 minutes ago" so as soon as she realised I was going on her laptop, she changed her Facebook password.... I never would have looked on her Facebook but the fact she changed it straight away makes me feel like why are you acting so cagey?!

3. She has been acting kind of off all week, just not as affectionate and seeming distant. I ask her several times that something seems wrong, and she gets annoyed with me, and says it is just my paranoia and my insecurities. This really effects me, because I know I am insecure and always think the worst, but I also feel like I can read her and know that something is wrong. My grasp on reality sometimes feels very fragile, so I feel manipulated that she has told me nothing is wrong and it is my paranoia and left me in a state of internal torment, when today she has actually admitted that something has been wrong. The issue now isn't even the thing she is upset about, but the fact I was right all along that something was wrong, and that she kept denying it and made me feel like I was going crazy. :( when she knows how hard it is for me to determine what is and isn't real sometimes

I don't think she is cheating on me, or really doing anything behind my back. But she doesn't seem to understand that hiding things from me does not do me or her any favours. I now never know what to believe and if I feel like something is wrong, and she tells me it isn't -how do I know that is the truth?!

I worry that all these little white lies are too easy and a slippery slope for bigger lies.

Am I being too sensitive and these little things aren't a big deal? Or does she need to grow some backbone and be more honest with me?

You are not being overly sensitive at all.

Trust and honesty is important in any relationship, regardless of past experiences.

It sounds like she is gaslighting you.

I think you're probably being over sensitive and too intense PLUS she needs to be more honest with you. I've been with someone in the past who was very insecure after being cheated on by a previous partner. I told a few white lies because the intensity of his scrutiny was hard to handle so I was going to get it in the neck either way. Of course, white lies are still lies so it didn't help things but he had a habit of seeing things that just weren't there. I genuinely had nothing to hide in any regard. I wasn't hiding where I was or who I was with etc but he checked up on me a lot, which was hard to take.

I agree with @amiapropermum when your partner is over sensitive you end up telling white lies because, they read things into everything. As the DP of someone like you, I have to say it is exhausting. You say you wouldn't have minded her having lunch with someone, but I guarantee you would have made her feel shit about it. So a small lie is the only way for a peaceful life.

As an example, I had a velvet dress hanging on the outside of my wardrobe door. I'd worn it at Christmas and had washed it and it had dried. I'd hung it there because I was in a rush and hadn't put it away properly. I got questioned about why it was out, where had I been in it, where was I planning to go in it. I used to look around the house for innocent things that could be misconstrued and try to put them away before he arrived. I'd panic if I saw something I'd missed. Not because I was hiding anything but because he'd imagine things.

Also, if you were using her laptop for work then you shouldn't really have been logging into Facebook. That seems a lot like prying. I don't have anything to hide from my closest friends - or anybody - but I still wouldn't like them going through my messages

I agree with amiapropermum and Whyhaveidonethis. It is exhausting dealing with people like this. White lies are often the only way to deal with the situation.

Honestly? Reading your OP I get a sense of tiredness and exhaustion and being overwhelmed from your partner, a sense of them wanting to keep some boundaries and not wanting to have to tell you everything ALL he time to manage your issues.

You say that you struggle with trust - I wonder it might be time to seek some outside help with that instead of needing constant reassurance from your partner in order to manage things.

Are you sure you don't know that she changed her password because you tried to log in? I've changed my password a few times and have never seen that notification...

Likewise.

Your partner probably feels she can’t win so takes the road of least resistance. I doubt you would not have given her the impression you minded the lunch - that is easy to say now in hindsight isn’t it? At the time she clearly thought you would have.

And the Facebook thing is you being in the wrong.

The FB ‘You changed your password however long ago’ only comes up when you try to sign in. Why did you try to sign in to her account? She’s clearly trying to stop you feeling paranoid.

I’m sorry. OP, but your insecurities and paranoia would suffocate me. Are you getting help for your issues?