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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to worry about my son's relationship with his dad?

7 replies

STANTER · 23/02/2020 09:07

My son is 16 months old. I left the relationship with his dad when he was 3 months old. His dad was sexually, emotionally, financially abusive, and was abusive to our son. Wouldn't let me pick him up or feed him because he 'needed to learn' (at 6 weeks old), and got angry and frustrated with him when he cried (I left the day after he nearly shook him with help from women's aid). He took me to court to see our son, but the courts so far have only awarded indirect contact by way of photographs. It's going to a fact finding then a decision will be made re his contact. I moved back with my family nearly 200 miles away, and my son is thriving. He's securely attached to me and both of my parents and he's just an incredibly happy little boy.

I am worried that his dad will be given access (as courts often do this even in cases of abuse) and he will suffer for it. Realistically, how good a relationship could my son have with his abusive dad, from 200 miles away? How would contact even work? I'm really terrified about the whole thing. I have a non molestation order against him and don't sleep at night for fear he will turn up. I am so scared for my son

OP posts:
STANTER · 23/02/2020 10:36

Bump

OP posts:
STANTER · 23/02/2020 13:46

Bumping again

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/02/2020 14:18

The fact he has indirect contact as court ordered is a really positive thing.

Did you report all the abuse including the shaking to the police?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 23/02/2020 14:22

Just stay firm and put
Your trauma and ongoing stress is completely understandable
However worrying about what might happen is going to make you ill from stress

When is the next
Court case and do you have a shit hot Soliciter ?

STANTER · 23/02/2020 16:34

@randommess it's been indirect for around a year so far. I've got a fact finding hearing next month. Scared they're going to change their minds and give direct contact.

It has been reported but he has never been arrested or charged with anything. It's just on record so I have a crime number. It had also been recorded by my GP, health visitor, his ex who he has been in court with for similar mentioned his anger and this came up in CAFCASS report. I do have a lot of evidence thankfully.

OP posts:
STANTER · 23/02/2020 16:36

@thisisworsethananticipated I don't have a solicitor and have ve b self representing all the way through, however I do have a very good barrister just for the fact finding so I don't have to cross examine him. I'll be self represented again after this.

OP posts:
newmumintown · 23/02/2020 16:48

Are you still in contact with women's aid? They were incredibly supportive to me in the years following my separation. They often offer outreach services/recovery counselling which helped me a great deal. It's good to have solid advice and support from experienced, knowledgeable people who have a good idea about what you can expect from the court system etc. Also to let you know that your feelings are ok and good coping strategies.

You can get back in touch with them any time (if you have lost touch) and I'm sure you'll get the support you need. I know it's hard but it sounds like you're doing everything you can.

And huge admiration for you getting out and staying out of this man's life.

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