STBX constantly contact DCs

[Walkingwounded]

Split from covert narcissist ex 5 months ago. He is extremely emotionally abusive, gaslighting, controlling etc. Have a support worker from women’s aid.

We are 50 50 on childcare. DCs 12 and 14, adore their dad. Have kept it all smooth in the surface so that they don’t suffer, don’t badmouth ex etc.

But he is so emotionally needy. At 12 and 14 they obviously have their own phones. STBX is constantly in contact with them. We have just been away for a week and he was setting up text conversations with them every day - how are they doing, how much he is thinking about them, how much he loves and misses them etc.

DCs have grown up with this kind of neediness and feel the need to respond. But AIBU to find this intrusive on my time with them, and to worry about the effects on DCs? They already worry about him being lonely without them & feel guilty if any time with him curtailed e.g. due to school activity,

ex- MIL was exactly the same and I have seen the effects in their family, including on STBX. So am not sure if I am being paranoid and in fact it’s nice for DCs to be in such frequent touch with their dad, or if my instincts are right about this being another form of emotional control.

Seeing WA support worker thurs but could do with advice before then - AIBU and if not, how do I raise it with STBX given that he will turn into me ‘preventing contact with the DCs’. Thanks.

Unfortunately this is typical emotional abuse. I am in the same position with my 13 year old. His dad is always the victim in every single thing that happens to him. It is nothing less than infuriating ! Reading your post has actually made me feel quite sick, because it is so close to my reality. I don’t really have any advice, only to tell you that, yes this is emotional abuse.

My son’s father lives in another country and I have had the ‘poor dad’ thing for four years now. It got to a point where my son wanted to live with dad because he didn’t want him to be alone, etc. I fought and fought (international child abduction, etc.) but I have had to let him go now. My son’s dad loves him to bits but it is so unhealthy. I let him go to live with his dad at thirteen, because he was that much more mature. I didn’t want my son resenting me from keeping him away from his DANGEROUS NARCISSISTIC father.

I now keep a close eye on him from afar. My heart is broken knowing that my little man is with his dad to keep him happy. My partner has told me, that he is sure my son would be here with us if he really had the choice with no emotional pressure.

When I see my DS I don’t talk bad about his dad, but I make him think about the ridiculous stories his dad has been telling him. I am afraid you are up against a very difficult situation and all I can say is, trust or instinct xxx 💐

It's not very clear how much the issue is with you or them. It's not unusual for some parents to have that level of contact with their teenagers, whilst others would only contact them once if at all whilst away for a week. There is no right or wrong.

The issue is whether your kids respond because they are happy too (even if they might sometimes make a mention of it being annoying), or whether it cause them great anxiety but do it because they feel they have to.

Maybe you could get another family member close to them to engage them in conversation and ask in a non confrontational way?

Thankyou both. Officecat I am so sorry that you are going through that.

They respond because they feel guilty if they don’t. It’s like an emotional pressure for them.

I have no idea how to shield them - if I tell them they don’t have to respond then they may feel that I am impeding their communication with him, and he will use that against me; if I speak with him directly, I am trying to suppress his communication with them and it is equally used against me. I feel that I cannot win.

That’s the problem, you can’t win. Listen to your intuition xx

Get 1 cheap phone and give him that number. Block him on their phones.
They can 'check in' with him once a week.
My exh was told I was entitled to have enjoyment of my dc not constant harassment.

Oh and at 12 +14 my dc went nc with abusive exh... Their choice and he accepted it.