Can't decide

[pumpkinbump]

19 month old daughter, her father and I split when she was about 2 months old. Don't trust him to look after her alone so I stopped leaving her with him to even pop to the shops on my own, so I haven't been out without my daughter or had anyone to babysit my daughter for over a year. My ex and I have an arrangement where he sees my daughter twice in the week and all day Saturday. My friend casually messaged me today about me possibly going out and said she would look after the baby for me. I then casually mention this to ex in conversation. He doesn't like my friend and she doesn't like him. He got his hair off saying that he should be the first port of call if I wanted anyone to babysit. I told him although I wasn't going to take her up on her offer, that I disagreed with him as we have set days, If I needed or wanted a babysitter to look after my daughter for some reason then I should be able to choose someone to do this. He absolutely disagrees and basically told me that I shouldn't be able to get anyone else to babysit and that it must be him if I ever do need a babysitter. In my mind as a single parent, if I needed a babysitter outside of the days he sees her, then it's up to me to arrange suitable care. I can see it from his point of view also but not sure who is being unreasonable here?

It's your choice who babysits but I'd let him as it is his child too

More Info is needed. Why Don't you trust him to look after the baby?

You need to give more info, is social services involved as it seems you are conducting your own supervised contact? Why isn’t he trusted on his own but you let him spend time with you there? It’s hard to judge if you are in the right or being unreasonable

Sorry I should have said in the original post. It's not that he would ever do anything deliberately to harm her, he just isn't with it. When she was 4 weeks old I left him with her so I could walk the dog. He was taking her to see his parents, instead of bringing her back to my house he took her to his, we we ended up in A&E that night with an overnight stay in hospital because apparently she rolled off his sofa while she was asleep onto a hard laminate floor. When she was 3 months old I went carpet shopping, left him step by step instructions to make her bottle, telling him to use the cool boiled water from the fridge, when I returned, the water was still there and he has used tap water. He's incapable of strapping her into her car seat correctly, one time I got out to check and he hadn't even buckled the seat belt. Each and every time since he has done it and I have checked it's been incorrect. At a year old he was laying on the floor watching the TV, I came into the living room and she had something in her mouth. It was a pound coin, he hadn't realised his money had falled out of his pocket, every time i leave her in the living room with him she ends up banging her head on something. I think he lies about how she has done it because he's not paying attention and is always looking at sports results on his phone. He doesn't realise when she has gotten hold of something and has it in her mouth. There's much more that i can't think of right now. He's just not switched on.

No social services aren't involved but I don't trust him to have unsupervised contact. After the hospital visit, he was told to make sure the baby was in a surface that she couldn't fall off. He was also told not to sleep with the baby on his chest as it is dangerous. This is a habit he always had. They didn't believe him when he told them she rolled off and about or 6 people asked him the same questions over and over at the hospital. I believe he was lying, and that he feel asleep holding her and dropped her. He didn't even tell me it happened until hours after and when I went nuts about it he told me not to have a to at him and he didn't have to tell me at all.

Wow see where your coming from now. I'd be wary too if he is this irresponsible.

I should add that after the visit there were numerous times I caught him talking asleep on the sofa with her and have pictures I took if I ever needed proof.

Falling asleep on the sofa with a baby can kill them. I would not trust him at all tbh. He doesn't seem to learn from any if his "mistakes"

This is what I tried to explain to him at the time. I even found news articles about it for him to read but he refused. He also refused to read articles regarding the herpes virus killing babies when I went mad about his family kissing the baby (when she was much younger). They were defiant with it also after being told and he basically accused me of implying his step dad was a paedophile when I went crazy because he out his open mouth right over the babies mouth. This was when she was 3 months old.

If he's that irresponsible and doesn't change, then no YANBU!
I did initially think though he should have a say in who she is left with - she's his daughter too.

Ok, he's not a good dad. Is he trying To ?improve

HOLY CRAP. Please please please do not ever leave your child alone with this man. I am so sorry you had to deal with all of that with a newborn baby. Hugs to you. It is none of his business what you do or who you leave your child with as you are not in a relationship. He would never have known had you not told him. He needs to know NOTHING of your personal life. Type a list of all the ways he has endangered her wellbeing and send that to him. "This is why baby will be left with friend and not you. Baby's welfare comes first, end of discussion." Then next time don't mention leaving your child with anyone, keeping chats very basic. Also, try to keep all conversations to whatapp rather than potentially heated phonecalls between hostile exes. I wouldn't ever take his call, instead reply saying you can't talk for some reason. Then you will always have a record of what was said for future reference. Whatsapp lets you email yourself conversations. Good luck! xxx

I agree with the above poster - give him a list of the above examples.

I do think you need a break though. Take your friend up on the offer babysitting and have a few hours off - there is no need to tell your ex of your plans.

Does he have some kind of learning inability?
You’re right, don’t leave her with him. It’s entirely up to you who you ask to babysit on the days she is with you

He sounds very concerning. Does he have learning disabilities?

What are your plans for the future? Will you always supervise them together or is he wanting alone visits and overnights as child grows older?

For the time being id continue as you are, limit your conversations and if you have someone babysit do not mention it at all.

And does he have official parental responsibility ? I’d be tempted to move away from him, would he be able to navigate legal system to even get court ordered time with your child? His inability to manage very basic supervision of a child makes me wonder if he would be able to even make the necessary arrangements to find you if you did just up and leave?

After reading the reasons why you think he should only have supervised contact I have to say I totally agree!

In future if you are going out and need a babysitter then I would choose someone you trust to look after her and not tell him your plans. He doesn’t have to know what you and your child are doing when she is with you.

He doesn't have any learning disabilities. He's not unintelligent, some might say quite intelligent. I don't know what it is about him. It's hard to explain, he just seems like he's just not switched on, doesn't have his wits about him and his surroundings when it comes to her. He does have parental responsibility, he's on the birth certificate. He's told me that when I stop breastfeeding that he will be able to have her overnight. I've said no to which he replies that he knows his rights as a father. I've told him he would have to go through court which I am so scared he will do some day. And thank you, I agree that when I do with her in my time doesn't have much to do with him. I think he is quite controlling in that regard. For instance, once I took the baby in the train to a nearby town for a day trip with a friend. I didn't ignore his texts all day but after a while I didn't check my phone and I had message after message asking me to hell him how the baby was and if I was home yet as it was getting late, around 9pm. To add another point to my story, I was cleaning the kitchen this weekend while he was in the living room visiting her. I called him out so I could give her some dinner. He brought her out and her trousers were covered in poo, he didn't realize she had dirtied her nappy. It was all over the front and back of her. So I changed her. He then sat her in her high chair in the kitchen and I prepared her dinner. I had my back to her at one point trying to put the plinth back on and he was lifting the cupboard to make it easier. All of a sudden I heard a splat, looked around and she was laying face first on the kitchen floor, it's a concrete floor with vinyl flooring. I was shocked and grabbed her then realised he hadnt6 strapped her in. I said this to him and he didn't reply at all. He hates to be told anything and won't take responsibility for his wrong doings.

Jesus OP, is she ok?
Document every thing happens and every time he fails to ensure her safety. Date l, time and details.
Speak to your health visitor about your concerns and the incidents. See what advice they offer.
Sounds like he needs supervised contact if he completely refuses to listen, learn and ensure her safety