To think our separation can be friendly

[SolgalleoRules]

DH and I have been together 20 years (since we were 18).

Lot of water under the bridge since then...difficult (understatement and whole other thread) relationship with his parents, stressful jobs, house renovations and a disabled child.

We’ve not got on well for the last few years and we always attributed it to the stress of work and kids.

DH has always (in retrospect) suffered from cycles of depression but recently they’ve been worse.

The last few months we’ve both had therapy, joint and separate. DH moved out s three weeks ago due to a severe bout of depression and we thought some space might help him recover as he could focus on himself without the constraints of everyday life (he’s still done a huge amount of childcare)

We’re getting on better than we have in years and are now thinking we should separate and become co-parents before we resent each other (we agree that at the moment we still love each other as best friends )

Has anyone else managed an amicable separation that works with kids?

My friend managed it well but I have to say that DH and I having had a difficult time due to his depression and anxiety (also together for 18 years) have found our balance by having him stay at his Mum';s house during the week.

He works closer to her anyway...but even if he didn't, I'd suggest it anyway because it works.

We don't want to split and having him home Friday through to Monday morning is just perfect for all of us.

Could something like that work for you?

It usually falls apart when money is involved.

Yes it can be done.

My brothers and I were in our 20s when our parents separated, but they have done a remarkable job. Agreed a settlement without lawyers and have remained friendly, even still going to lunch together from time to time. Both have new partners and I almost find it hard to picture them together now as they are just so different and so much better apart.

Thank you for your replies. Our current arrangement seems to be working. We describe it as 'sleeping in different houses' to the kids.

DH comes over in the morning to drop the kids to school and pick them up on my work days. We split bedtimes equally and he'll gone back to his place after bedtime. He comes over at the weekend and spends a large portion of the day so I get some kid free time.

I realise if either of us found someone else we wouldn't spend so much time together but neither of us are looking for someone else and by the time that happens the kids may be old enough to walk to school on their own.

I genuinely believe him when he says we'll never make a 'thing' about money and certainly for now we're keeping joint finances as it's easier and it's all very early days

BitofFun is correct that it can be incredibly amicable until separation of assets takes place. It's very hard for a couple to remain amicable beyond that point. If I had £1 for every couple who had said to me "we're still really good friends" before the divorce who are no longer speaking when the financial chips went down.

You can get through the other side of it though with time and assuming there's some parity in what you emerge with financially. My STBXH and I have fought so badly that the police have been involved and I've had an injunction taken out against him and bizarrely, despite everything we are now more or less amicable. I wouldn't trust him to run a bath and in many ways I think he's a loser but we are able to co-parent amicably and he sometimes rings me for advice when he's feeling down. Funny old world...

Neither of us are materialistic or big spenders. The majority of our money goes on the kids!

Let's hope we can work it out

Would work well until one of you meets someone else. At present you’re still a couple, just living apart.

And YY to what is said above about money!

@FortunesFave I think that probably wouldn't work for us as a big issue is the difference in sex drive (mines non existent). Not once has he pressured me for sex but we've spoken about it. TBH I just think we don't have that sort of attraction anymore