To share my thoughts about friend's DS with her?

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My friend has expressed concerns re her DS to me on a number of occasions. He is 2 next month. She has described his behaviour as really "challenging". He has always been very clingy to her, and can be extremely emotional if he can't "have" her, eg if his dad tries to do something with him/distract him, he will scream for his mum till he is able to go to her. His dad is hands on, fun, engages with him etc, no issues there but DS very much favours his mum and cannot be distracted away from that.

Recently he seems to be worse, and is unsettled at night and being really difficult during the day (her word not mine) and his grandparents have apparently been quite taken aback at the changes in him (much more challenging than normal). Ordinarily I might think it's just normal almost two year old behaviour, but I know my friend is not one to sweat the small stuff so to comment about it to me and express concern makes me think it has got quite bad. She also has an older DC so is aware of "normal" toddler behaviour.

I think the thing that jumped out to me a little was that I was present when he recently had his hair cut and he really struggled with the whole experience. It took a lot of time and effort and patience to get the hair cut done as he refused to sit still but the main thing that concerned me was him shouting "ow" each time the hairdresser snipped his hair, like it was genuinely hurting him. I know through my own experience of SEN that children with autism often find getting their haircut physically painful, and I really felt like it was hurting him (she definitely didn't nick him with the scissors or anything, only his hair was cut!) Would I BU to share this with my friend, given her own concerns about behaviour etc? Or would you keep it to yourself for now as it could just be normal terrible two type stuff and the haircut issue is a red herring? She is a really good friend and if it was the other way round I'd be happy for her to share her knowledge/concern with me as I know it would be well meant. My DC are slightly older and one has SEN so I do have some experience of these things, and would handle it sensitively.

Sorry to waffle on, but what would you do in this situation? I'm not planning to say "I think your DS has autism" but rather to mention re the haircut and see if she thinks it is an avenue worth looking into in relation to other challenging behaviour?

Support her with his behaviour but don’t be an amateur psychologist and offer a diagnosis

This is excellent advice.

My now teenage DS has never been happy having his hair cut, almost to the point of avoidance! By autistic DD is however OK with it! I don't think the hair cut is a good barometer of SEN.

When DD was assessed for ASD, we were asked a list of Qs about behaviour, some of which are asked on this page www.autism.org.uk/about/diagnosis/children.aspx

Might be worth taking a look and talking to your friend about it.

Of course her DS might also just going through heavy separation anxiety and realising he is a separate entity from mum and finding it all a bit too much.

Clinginess and not liking hair cuts, imo is not enough for you to mention you have concerns about your friends child. She is his mother, and she is fully aware of his behaviour, you said yourself she has mentioned it.
Did you take him for the haircut?

At the risk of repeating myself, I was at no point planning to offer a diagnosis! 🤦🏽‍♀️ There is a big leap between saying "I noticed X, and wondered if it was a reason to be concerned" (from the point of view of a close friend and someone the other person has shared concerns with repeatedly) and diagnosing a child with autism. I probably know a little about this given that I have a child with two separate diagnoses too, but don't let that bother you.

The haircut was at his house and I was there at the time.

General consensus seems to be not to say anything and I think I will go with that for now. Thank you for useful tips and info re autism too.

2 of my DCs do this about haircuts (and tooth brushing, getting dressed, trying new foods etc.). other one is too little to know yet. Both waiting for referrals etc. But nobody thinks autism, just not NT either IYSWIM. Have been specifically told that they do not think either of them are autistic by various processionals. I don't have any experience raising any other kids but I am beginning to accept that the reason my kids do not respond to the parenting techniques etc. I've tried is not because I am an inadequate parent in some way but because Trying to put circular blocks through the square shaped holes is never going to work. Now that the older two are having other people pick up on things it's like I'm able to look at things from a different perspective and can see that maybe their behaviour is not "bad" per se but "different" but it's taken me a while. Initially I didn't want to think that my kids were anything other than NT.

OP you were really clear in your post that you are very thoughtful and wouldn’t mention it in an insensitive way. It’s lovely that you are thinking so much about how to best support your friend. I think whatever you decide to do will come from the right place and be carefully and sensitively done, even if you decide to do nothing other than be there for your friend. She is lucky to have you . FWIW the behaviour sounds similar to my little boy when he was that age. May be not so intense. He is fine with haircuts now and very happy to separate from me. It’s early days so I guess it’s really hard to know if it’s something to be concerned about or not, but great that you are taking your friend seriously and listening and offering support.

Please don’t say he might have autism to her if you’re not a qualified doctor. My friends son was worse than that until 5 and the tests she put him through because someone like you said that to her - He’s fine now.

There is a big leap between saying "I noticed X, and wondered if it was a reason to be concerned"

And when your friend says "concerned about what?", what do you say then?

He doesn't sound like anything other than a 2 year old who is clingy for his mum.

My friends son was worse than that until 5 and the tests she put him through because someone like you said that to her - He’s fine now.

I'm sorry but unless there was a real reason for concern there is no way the child would have been put through 'tests'

It’s difficult because toddlers are all so different and just because she has an older child, doesn’t mean her younger one would behave the same. If someone has an easy first child it can be a shock when the second isn’t! He is still very young and a lot of ‘normal’ toddler behaviours could be seen as potential autistic traits if you are looking for them so personally, I wouldn’t say anything yet but keep supporting her as you are doing.

The haircut might not be a red herring as such.

I have two DDs with ASD. Each individual difficulty they have is something they share with someone NT. Every example I give of something they find hard, someone in the room can think of a NT child who does the same. ASD is diagnosed when the collection of difficulties crosses several areas of their development and has a significant impact on their ability to function in the same way as their peers.

The haircutting issue sounds like it is just one part of a bigger picture. Haircuts can be painful if you have sensory processing issues. Light touch can cause pain and anxiety makes it a lot more likely.

OP, I wish that someone had mentioned ASD to me a long time before my DD1 was assessed by CAMHS. When she was a year old, I thought I was a shit parent because she didn't sleep, didn't play and couldn't bear to be separated from me for even a few seconds.

It's probably not a great idea to mention ASD unless she is exploring the idea of neurodeelopmental disorders already. Being there to listen is a good plan.

Try very hard not to minimise the problems she is talking about. If he does have ASD there will be enough professionals doing that to her in the future. Lots of parents complain about their child not sleeping. When I did that, my DD2 was literally sleeping from 4.00am to 7.00am max and sometimes not at all. When others said their children weren't sleeping, it turned out that they would be awake until 9.00pm then sleep all night or woke for ten minutes a couple times a night. It feels awful when other people assume you're exaggerating and your child is doing what theirs does - not that I'm suggesting you are doing that.

TBH I don't think clinginess and disliking haircuts would be enough to go on for me. The behaviour sounds pretty normal to me. Is your friend the DC's main carer? It's pretty normal for young children to be clingy to the person who is their main carer.

My son cries in pain with every snip of the scissors, no known SEN issues. He's 4 and the way we cut it now is when he is fast asleep. If he's not in deep sleep, he wakes in pain crying and knows we've cut his hair.

2 is far to young to plant that seed of worry. I had an extreme 2 year old ( would not have even attempted to take her to get a hair cut). Lots of sensory struggles and massive tantrums. We had multiple comments from friends and family and a nursery worker who said “this isn’t normal”. She’s now almost 4 and is an absolute angel. I wish no one had said anything, it caused a huge amount of anxiety for me. Much better to just be a friend who listens and supports.

Having experience of autistic family members, my son and cousins, I would say that two years of age is rather early for professionals to want to attribute a condition or label to a set of behaviours. So in alerting your friend, you may not be helping her, in the sense that she might like some answers immediately but find that teachers and healthcare professionals are suggesting waiting a little longer and monitoring. Often the way language develops is an indicator, and at two, the child's language will still be developing. The way that play with other children develops may be indicative, but there are many different patterns and forms. I think what would be helpful would be to note down and remember things she tells you, so that, at a later date, if she raises concerns more purposefully, you can say: 'Oh yes, and d'you remember you said he didn't like such and such.'.That can be very helpful, and when my son was receiving a diagnosis of autism, it helped for my sister to remind me of particular occasions and instances.

My son was exactly the same regarding hair cuts and he didn't have SEN.