That I think I won’t live to the of the year...

[Shockedmama]

I just can’t shake this feeling. I do suffer with anxiety and in 2016 following routine tests I was told I tested positive for a very serious and life long disease, following further tests I wasn’t told this was wrong and that I didn’t have this disease but it was my worst fear and took me ages to shake. I didn’t go for my routine smear test for nearly 2 years and only had this a few weeks ago and now I can’t shake the feeling that I have progressed cancer. I was avoiding it for so long I can’t stop feeling tearful and that I might leave my daughter behind who needs me so much and would be broken if I died. I’m so scared I keep drinking alcohol which isn’t good. Has anyone had a smear this late and it turned out ok? I’m feeling so anxious and so low and I can’t speak about it to anyone

I actually think the crux of the problem here is your anxiety around your illness. Can you contact anyone to get help for this?

OP loads of people never have a smear and it doesn't matter as they don't have cancer. Chances are you don't either. Honestly it's far more likely to be fine than anything else.

You are obviously very anxious.... Is it worth a chat with your GP about your anxiety and how you can access help... Rather than the booze.
Good luck

If you’re drinking alcohol to the extant of it not being good, isn’t that detrimental to your daughter?

OP go and speak to your doctor. You need to get help for your anxiety and drinking alcohol won’t be helping.

Thanks for your replies. I just feel like there’s no way anyone can help. Talking therapies and GP just think medication will do it but it doesn’t I don’t know where to turn for help anymore.
I have been drinking around 3 large glasses around twice a week when my daughter isn’t here but if I’m honest I count down the days I feel so stressed and drained from all the worry and thoughts. I’m trying to get help as I know it’s wrong

@Shockedmama Talking therapies and GP just think medication will do it but it doesn’t

Have you been to the GP before over this? What meds were/are you on? What talking therapies did you have?

Have you got any support in real life?

Yeah I have been diagnosed with health anxiety and I’m on citalopram. Not really my friend I speak to thinks I can help it and my mother has mental health difficulties herself . I do have other friends but somehow can’t discuss this with them

Yes i didnt have one for nine years and all was fine.

I had horrible health anxiety thing years ago and it was awful. I was prescribed escitalopram which I found better than citalopram, I am currently on setraline for other mh issue which I find very good. Maybe worth investigating. I have also have abnormal smears - and had treatment. 2 years really isn't very long and it is likely that now that you have gone that if you do have changes, they'll pick them up and treat you. Most likely scenario is you will be fine though.

Have you just started taking the meds, as they take around three weeks to kick in? Perhaps they haven’t done so yet and will help you once they do?

If you’ve been on them longer they clearly aren’t helping sufficiently to let you get a grip on your thoughts. You need to go back to your GP and tell him.

You say talking therapy etc doesn’t work but how long did you try it for? Could it be worth another try? Perhaps in a different setting it may be better this time?

Binge drinking is not your friend. You know that. You defo need to seek help chucking that too.

Dont give up. You can beat these feelings. The GP should have done ideas. Dont dismiss any of them until you’ve given it a good go.

You can beat this. You deserve to be happy. Don’t give up.

I understand OP. I missed a smear and then started to think I had cancer. I’ve suffered with health anxiety ever since, and in my head I’ve had everything from ovarian cancer to brain tumours. It’s hard, and I never used to be this way.

I think we are told so much how important this test is that it really played on my mind when I delayed it.

Hi OP, as others say, 2 years really isn’t that long, especially if you haven’t felt anything has been untoward in the gynae department. If it is abnormal, then it would most likely just be colposcopy (burn them off) and no sex for a month. Not fun but certainly not fatal.

Are there any other stresses in your life right now? From experience, that an manifest as health anxiety.

Being misdiagnosed with a serious disease would throw anyone off, so in a way your abnormal anxiety is normal.

Drinking will make your anxiety worse but your drinking could also be worse. Nevertheless, I’d go back to your GP. It might be that you need a meds change or that you need to have an as-needed sedating drug to get you through this rough patch.

I take it you’ve had CBT or other talking therapies? I would punch someone for suggesting exercise if I was in your situation but I do know someone whose health anxiety was helped by high intensity cardio (as well as the odd amitrypyaline).

Sorry OP, I see you’ve tried talking therapies. Depending on what’s triggering your health anxiety (there might be something more complex going on psychologically), you could need a long course

YANBU. Life is short and fragile. When you go you can go very quickly.

How old are you? I understand that misdiagnosis can happen but in smear tests I would seriously doubt it, they can detect even pre cancerous cells. You need to get to the root of why you don't believe what the professionals are saying and think about how you are going to live your life if you can't believe these people. You could end up spending the rest of your life worrying about every cough, cold, any symptom and drive yourself mad. Unless you intend on studying and becoming a medical expert doctor you have no choice but to put your faith in the services if you agree with it or not. I agree that some cases can be missed but somehow you've got to try and put your faith in them, and yourself. If you have unusual symptoms then you know you can always go back to the doctor and question it. Life is too short to be worrying unnecessarily and i'm sure this isn't the way you want to live your life

I'm sorry that you're feeling so anxious OP, it's not surprising that you find it hard to trust healthcare professionals after being misdiagnosed.

Please cut out the booze. Believe me I know it's hard when something is so effective at helping you forget your anxiety in the moment, but the comedown once the alcohol leaves your system will be worsening your anxiety. I know when I've binged, the anxiety in the following 12-36 hours is horrific. Please slam the brakes on now, while you still can.

Please access services for health anxiety. It’s very very real and can be so debilitating.
Try a different antidepressant/anti anxiety med. It will help.
Good luck!!

I have had health anxiety for as long as I remember (I am 44 now) and taking Paxil (Seroxat) has made a massive difference for me (I've been taking it for over 20 years now). Over the years I tried other antidepressants which did nothing in comparison to help tackle my anxiety - so it may be a case of finding one which works for you.

Just wanted to add that there have been a few occasions where I have felt certain I would die, the feeling you are describing of utter conviction that it would happen and I know how distressing it can be. There was a period of time a good few years ago when I had stopped taking antidepressants - one day I got a headache which made me anxious about a brain tumour and in turn this set off a cascade of physical anxiety reactions e.g. tingling, numbness, nausea. In my anxious mindset, these all served to confirm that I truly did have a brain tumour and got myself in such a state that I could barely sleep or eat for a week. In the end I reluctantly went back to the Seroxat and after a couple of weeks taking them again my anxiety started to stabilise. Handhold for you - anxiety is a bastard.

During my original depression/GAD diagnosis I was also prescribed beta blockers to help with the physical symptoms which were also a life saver and allowed me to function. I promise things can turn around.

@TaniaArse, that was very supportive

I second what everythingbackbutyou says about beta blockers. found them very helpful indeed when anxiety at it's worst.

shocked and (((hugs))). I could have written your post or one very similar. for me, I do have serious health issue which I been told could kill me young, so at back of my mind often, and when the anxiety is bad I often have thoughts that "this is going to be the year I die." I was low at new year and for a few weeks kept thinking that. But then I been thinking that a lot about this year. I generlly have a bad feeling things are going to go wrong for me, not just my health. I have to remind myself it is just anxiety. Earlier this evening I convinced myself I was having a heart attack (had eaten too much but my brain kept trying to say "heart attack, heart attack."

Have you tried Mind? They can be very good at helping access support and information? I found IAPT/Talking therapies were rubbish too, but my anxiety is linked to a complex mental health diagnosis that primary services really aren't geared towards.

I'm hoping and praying you can find some decent support. anxiety sucks.

Apologies, read back my post and see it is a bit rambling.