Do your children have their own chores? Do they do them? I need help!

[BercowsFlamingoFlownTheNest]

I have 3 children who are very messy. They are 5, 11 and nearly 13. I expect the older two to keep their rooms reasonably tidy ie bed made and clothes put away if clean, and in the wash basket if dirty, used glasses to be out in the dishwasher. I've also tried to get them to clear the table and load the dishwasher and wipe the sides after dinner each night but they do it about o cow a fortnight and moan like hell.
The 5 year old is not too bad for 5 really and to be fair doesn't have good role models in his older siblings as they dump shoes and coats in the hall instead of putting the in the shoe cupboard and hanging up their coat.

I've tried drawing up a list of responsibilities with them, tried reward systems, taking away devices. Nothing seems to work and I'm exhausted at doing everything myself.

They always claim they didn't hear me or didn't realise I was talking to them or some other excuse. Even if I'm right there in front of them.

If your dc have chores how do you get them to do them consistently?

My LO is 1year old I get him to help with the washing he isn’t much help to be honest

I think at those ages, they are more than capable of just picking up after themselves.

But apologies no real experience

It's a battle!

Ours (13 and 10) have to tidy their bedrooms on a Sunday. Nothing fun until it's done. DD(13) has, after years of this, JUST cottoned on to the fact that if she does it in less than 5 hours she doesn't waste her whole Sunday.

They also have to clear the table when we eat at the table, and the playroom is their responsibility. Everything else I'm happy to pay them for!

They do it because I'm horrible and relentless and their life is boring if they don't. Sucks but it's true.

Aw they all used to live helping with the washing. That's one of their jobs actually. I wash and dry it all and give them their own stuff to put away. Ds can't hang up things but can put pjs and underwear and socks in the relevant places.
Towels all over the place then they give me grief because there are no clean towels for their shower
They are driving me nuts and I've little patience at the moment and start back at work next week after being home for 5 years. It's going to be a big change.

Use a pocket money app such as go Henry.
List of non-negotiables, money paid on sat lunch time. If jobs not done, no pocket money. Also offer top up for extra chores.
Then mean it- stand your ground. No reason to clean up after 13 year old.

I’m thinking of getting a star chart for DH he’s worse than my 1yo

Maybe a star chart/reward chart?

Ah yes, the whole day spent doing a twenty minute job then complaining they've not done anything fun.
I'm particularly cross as I never get round to doing the jobs needed because I spend all day doing laundry and tidying up after them all.

They have never had pocket money for the simple reason they don't do as they are told. They don't seem to care. Maybe getting things written down and stick up on the wall would help.

My Dd is 5 nearly 6 so hasn't got to a more tricky age however she's always helped from very little. She may not do it properly but she tries and that's important to me and us. That you try your best in everything and it's okay to not do it correctly the first time as long as you have tried.

So the other day she cleaned her pots from the toy kitchen (her and her friends had made mixtures with paint and all sorts). I helped her turn on the taps etc but she scrubbed them until clean.

She'll set the dinner table with cutlery. She knows how to tidy her kitchen, shop and bedroom. Any trickier jobs we'll do together.

Last week she wanted to help with housework so was cleaning all the mirrors she could reach. My DH had shown her how. Yes they probably weren't perfect but still better than they started. So obviously she got thanked for being so helpful.

She knows if you pull together with jobs then more play time with parents. I

If they don’t have pocket money, how do they get ‘stuff’? Make up, fun things, phone data, trips out? It isn’t fair on you to clean up shoes/ towels. Maybe give them pocket money for a couple of weeks so they feel the value of it, then link to jobs?

Broken record and focus on one thing. So after every meal, oops, table isn’t clear. Oops, stuff is on top of the dishwasher, not in it. Oops, table hasn’t been wiped. Excellent, all done, let’s go and do (whatever thing, doesn’t matter, will be better than chores eg switch the TV on, go to the playground).

When they get to the stage of clearing the table without being asked, move on to the next thing. Maybe putting away laundry (but do make sure they have room to do so, otherwise it’s setting them up to fail).

Don’t give in and do it yourself, it’s only easier in the short term.

Don’t engage in debate about how it isn’t fair, and who did it yesterday. Maybe have a rota to avoid that? I get the dds to do half the dishwasher each, but you’ve got more kids - maybe pair up older and younger so older can help the younger ones with things they can’t reach or shouldn’t do (eg putting away sharp knives).

Start small. So if they put their clothes in the dirty laundry basket every day for a week they get a weekend treat/pocket money. Then it's laundry in basket, plus pick everything up off the floor. It's so easy to leap to expecting them to be able to do the whole job when they might need help starting smaller than that. Mine are younger, but trying to start off with "shoes by the door" "laundry in basket" "rubbish in the bin" "toys in the box" as often as possible.

I have exactly the same problem with my nearly 13 DD who does literally nothing, won't even move a couple of feet to put rubbish in the bin, room is a tip, dirty clothes left in bathroom, no food ever put away in kitchen, etc, etc. Been a constant battle for years, star charts never interested her, neither does pocket money. My exH pays for her phone and I've sometimes unplugged the wifi for continual refusal to be tidy or help me at all, but this backfires on me as I'm a student and often working on my computer. If she does want money occasionally to go out with friends she will then do a load of jobs in a rush to earn what she needs. But I'd much rather she helped on a daily basis in return for a set amount of pocket money per week. I will not hand out money if she doesn't earn it as I dont think that teaches her how things work in life, but apparently 'all her friends' are given lots of money and never do any chores. With two grown up sons who also behaved like this when they still lived at home, I'm so worn down by it all, I'm either cleaning up lazy kids mess or constantly nagging. I wish I knew the answer!

6 year old and 4 year old here - they have to do jobs which they don't get pocket money for: dirty washing in basket, putting clean socks and underpants away, helping to lay the table, taking plates to the kitchen and tidying up toys. After that they can also get 10p per 'job', these aren't set and are usually just helping out with whatever we're doing. My 6 year old has just dried up as I washed up. My youngest likes to help put washing in and out of the machine. We usually find some jobs if they want to save up for something! If they see a toy they want (not birthday/Xmas related and we're not planning on getting it) we take a photo of it and they work towards enough money for it then we take them to buy it with their wallets. It's working for us most of the time.

My dd is younger she’s only 4 but she’s helps out with chores. I do tend to make it into a game though sometimes, her favourite game currently is match the socks. She also helps put away her toys and set the table, she also loves to help dh wash the car although I think she might get in his way more than help.

I take a different approach I don't call them "chores" or reward for things. It's simple as if I ask you to do it nicely then I expect my ds (5) to do it. No debating, no negotiating, I've asked nicely...now you do it. Simples.

Both my ds's do lots of chores: pairing socks, emptying dishwasher, putting own clothes away. Helping hoover, wipe downstairs toilet floor. Sweeping patio.

They both play football, and on their teams, so 15 other players, 30 boys total , no one else does chores. At all. The other boys can't believe my boys do it. The other parents have asked me about it. And seem amazed. Yes really.

Apparently they are paid anything between £2 and £5 at their dad's gf's for finding things or cleaning the bathroom. I can't afford those rates and I don't want to have them associate every day tasks as having monetary value. We all need to work together to keep our home nice. Some good ideas on here, thank you.

No, we all help each other, regardless of who “should” be responsible.

Mine are 19, 10 and 7. We’ve always made it clear that the house belongs to everyone and in order to keep it nice we need to all work together. If we see something needs done, we do it. Dd10 will put away dd7’s clothes, dd7 will make dd10’s bed etc.

I currently have a back injury, washings, dishes, picking up, bins etc have all continued being done.

I'm the same as Iheartkingthistle relentless. There is no Xbox cable until jobs are done. If you've later been found to have done a job badly it'll cost you a day of electronics. To be fair for most jobs he just does them when asked , like taking the bins down/bribing them back, setting the table, putting things in the dishwasher, vacuuming, but bedroom tidying and putting washing away require the Xbox cable incentive.

The trouble with these threads is they tend to fill up with people saying their 3 year old can wipe the table and put their own clothes away. Been there, done that, but I still have to remind my 13 year old (who was an incredibly biddable little girl and is still pretty amiable) to brush her teeth. It is a different kettle of fish with older ones and I don't know what the answer is.

The only thing that really works in our house is routine. We have a dishwasher rota which DC are happy enough to do, but I still don't know how to get them to do it without prompting. I would suggest a specific time each day where you all do some housework, either as a team or with assigned jobs.

I would like to say they need to do tidying before TV or similar, but we have one at secondary and one with autism. Both need a bit of chill time when they get home, and can get overwhelmed with their workload so it is hard to insist on chores on top of homework etc.

I've two boys 8 and 12. I've always had expectations in terms of them helping out. From being little they've put washing in the basket, brought finished dishes and cups to the kitchen, rubbish in the bin, shoes and coats away. Recently I've added more, bringing bags other than their own in from the car, putting washing away or on the maiden to dry (12yr old). And they don't get paid. I refuse to raise a pair of slobs who will rely on me or someone else to pick up after them. And if they don't do as their asked it's no mobiles/tablets/PS4 even as far as no TV (I'd rather have the radio on).
At their dads they're not expected to do anything but it sets them up to fail and I've explained this to them. I basically repeat myself til it sinks in.
Partner has two boys 8 and 10. Who do absolutely nothing at all. Never have. But I'm a bugger so when we have them 2 days a week they bring their dishes to the kitchen, come for their own bloody drinks - it's not a waitress service. They're just used to it now. Their dad encourages them when he remembers.
I refuse to be a skivvy for any of them. We, adults both work, and all spend time here so it's a team effort to keep the house half decent. I've had to lower my standard some what but its liveable, just.
Don't give up.

We also don’t reward or punish, a simple “thank you so much for seeing x,y,z needed done and doing it so well”, or “I’m disappointed that the clothes needed picked up but you chose not to do it, instead I/sibling/dad had to do”, is usually enough.

If things are consistently not being done, someone isn’t pulling their weight then it’ll usually be a conversation about the impact that they’re not helping has had.

Turn off the internet.

There is no better way to grasp their attention

I have kids similar age (year or 2 older) to yours op and they know that there’s no gaming or phones until all their chores and homework is done.
I always stress that games and messing about on phones is for relaxing when all work is done and it’s after 3pm.
This makes sure that they’re not rushing things and that they’ll find others stuff to do. They’ll also be willing to go out for a bit.
Mine are used to this now do they just get on with whatever needs to get done.
They always sort out their own laundry into the bin or the cupboards.
They’ll do the recycling, clearing up the table, and tidying up.
The eldest will hoover.
They’ll do other stuff like wiping the fridge and cupboards.

Write a list of jobs and get them to pick the ones they want. Then that is their job until the end of time 😁. It gives them some agency. My DS hates to load a dishwasher but finds unloading it bearable, DD is the other way round, so thats what they do. One does rubbish, the other does recycling. Anything left on their floors on cleaning day will go into a bin bag, but cleaning day is always every other Thursday and I give them lots of warning the day before. No food or drinks allowed out of the kitchen. If you want your clothes washed you have to bring your dirty ones downstairs and ask nicely, otherwise you are on your own.

I can and do switch the wifi off to their devices, I can and do choose what to cook for dinner based on what they like to eat and if they have done their jobs (mostly in a positive reinforcement way...DS has been so helpful today that we are having his favourite dinner to recognise him and it helps if that is something that DD isnt so fond of!)

Put a big written list on the wall of what they have agreed to do, so no (fewer) arguments.

Some days it just all goes to hell in a handbasket and you just have to give up with a smile and reset the next day