AIBU to worry about sleepovers

[Emmajones2517]

Right bare with me I know it sounds a bit crazy.......
I have an 8 month old and a two year old. Me and my DH often discuss the future and how amazing it is seeing our children grow up and talk about when they start school etc. Then for some unknown reason I really started to panic about when they ask to go for sleepovers. Of course I want them to go and have fun as kids should do, but I got this overwhelming fear of what if I don’t know the family, what the house is like, will they be safe/looked after. Can anyone help settle my mind? I know this is way in the future but I can’t stop thinking about it. I also think part of this fear come from when I was in school I got good friends with a new girl and after a few months I got invited for a sleep over and I went and there where drugs growing in the kitchen and her parents room as the parents didn’t care what she did. Please help with you opinions

It’s simple, you wouldn’t let them go for sleepovers unless you know the children and family living in that house.
We never had any other situation come up. It just didn’t happen.
As an aside, we also never ever used babysitters when children were young - or even friends as babysitters. Only the grandmothers if we went out for the evening together and it didn’t happen that often because of circumstances it was near impossible to get such help from grandmothers so that was that. I’d rather not go out as a couple than have anyone other than grandmothers babysitting. Limiting in a way, yes, but that was my choice born out of mistrust and worry.
So much to worry about !!! To put in perspective, mine are now driving so FindMyPhone thingy app is my friend.

Oops, sorry I think I might have made you worry about the future even more. That was not my intention.
Seriously, you will simply not put your children in danger because you will just know what is appropriate or safe and you will have the conviction to just say No if you ever feel like something is not quite right.
I’ve been to many, many house and never once saw evidence of drugs. Your children will mix with children coming from families similar to yours, so don’t worry about it. Enjoy the growing up years, watching your children grow is priceless.

DS(14) started going on sleepovers to friends when we was about 10 or so. We knew all his friends and their parents by then. We're taking his friend on holiday with us this year and have had a few weekends out with his parents so we get to know each other. DS has been invited to other boys' houses and we've categorically said no (to be fair he didn't want to go himself) because we weren't sure about the parents, safety etc.

@Branster not at all I appreciate your reply thank you. And I am very similar, if on rare occasion me and DH get a night away or out for a meal I too only leave with mine or DH parents as I know they can cope and look after them well.
I know I’m panicking about something way in the future but when something gets in my head i go into overdrive 😫. I know mothers instinct will kick in and I’ll just have to go with my gut.

I assume that there are lots of other things to worry about too - the first time they walk to school by themselves, or go on a residential trip, or go to the park without you.

But all of the tiny, incremental steps you all take towards those events, including the first sleepover, will prepare you for them.

Regarding sleepovers specifically : you don't allow them to go unless you've had the other child round for tea, met the parents, seen their home and discussed how your child can contact you if they feel uncomfortable.

The chances are that the first few sleepovers at least will be a little group, so you know your child is with friends.

Seriously, by the time these are happening, you will be whooping with joy at the prospect of an evening to yourself...and the worst thing is reciprocating!

And even if you're nervous when it comes you will know that you are doing absolutely the right thing for your child - demonstrating that you trust her judgement, teaching her resilience and independence in a safe way, helping her to build friendships and memories.

Gosh, I forgot about the first time you let them walk somewhere on their own - I actually sent DH to follow but he refused. First time and every next time they go to a festival or holiday with their friends. I’m surprised I haven’t developed a heart condition yet.
OP, it will all be fine, but, as parents, we just worry. I had an episode when I was panicking about my first, who was 6 months old at the time, and dangers of drugs when they become a teenager. We want our children to be safe and healthy and worrying about things like these is the first step towards planning and putting safety measures in place so that you and the children are prepared when the time comes.

Lovely message thank you. Yes so much to worry about and trust me I have worried about all those things 🙈. I would never not allow my children to go to sleepover though my own anxiety unless I knew or my gut feeling was it’s not a nice to be. My next question from what you said is how do you approach the subject of visiting the house first before the sleepover of the parents are not known to you? Would hate to make someone feel uncomfortable or like I’m judging them or their child, but as a mother I need to protect and make sure mine are safe

You wouldn't let them off to sleepover with just anybody! My lot have only done them at people's houses we know pretty well and for some time, they've been on playdates, etc. My youngest is 6 and has done 2 sleepovers at ppl's houses we know very well without issue and we've reciprocated. I have also had 10yr olds stay over here and the parent has given me a call in the evening to check on them. If your friends are decent then they will be accommodating of your worries and eager to reassure you anyway.

We use friends as well as family as babysitters so DS has been having sleepovers at friends since he was 3 and at family since he was 12 weeks. He's 5 now and loves staying at his friends. I trust them completely.

My mum was anxious about me staying out as a child and it made me nervous about staying out.

X-post! I have found you don't get invited like that unless you know each other well anyway - parents will generally not be keen to take on your child until they know them too. Or at least I certainly don't!

And if the grandmothers were dead branster?

Op many of these things happen because of the relationship you and ur child have with other families. As the kids grow you see familiar faces at school, in playgrounds, at birthday parties etc, you meet for coffee or you do football club together.
Your dc will be able to say what they want at that age. You will talk to them about what to do if...(they get lost, want to go home, feel sad/scared....)
Also you can say yr dc don’t go for sleepovers if you haven’t met the parents/ visited the house. You tend to start with play dates (with you there) and progress to play dates alone then sleepovers. It’s a process.
You don’t just send yr dc to random people’s houses 😂
All these things come with time. Enjoy your babies. They grow so quick

In our case, it never happened so we already knew the parents from school/clubs, sharing lifts, play dates so we’d have been to the house (not necessarily all the way in for a coffee) but we’re comfortable with the parents to assume the kids won’t stab themselves get hold of a gun during the sleepover (I’m exaggerating but it gives you an idea). Also, if their kids seem fine then it’s safe to assume the parents are responsible individuals. You get get a feel for how the adults are like and if anything is weird you simply say no. Invent that your child is uncomfortable with sleepovers but they can go for a late play date and you pickup at, say 10PM or that you have a very early start the next (long drive to grandma 300 miles away leave home at 5AM). Or say your child prefers it when the other child comes over to your house for a sleepover. So you are not banning contact but you minimise danger if you feel something is unsafe.
A couple of my DD’s girlfriends never sleep over, it’s some anxiety about being away from home so it does happen. They never did sleepovers and now they are 17.

You have many, many years before sleepovers are even on the agenda. Put those irrational worries away and get on with your weekend and enjoying your little ones.

Isabellaswann, then we’d have missed a couple of weddings evening parties, new year eves and such like - not the end of the world. Didn’t get much help with babysitting, looking after kids during the day either so managed it ourselves or on my own when DH was away with work. Compensated by making sure kids bedtime was always 7PM so we can spend time together, got too go out separately with friends and once kids started school we could spend time together during the day if working from home or day off work.
And .... once they go to sleepovers, you can go out as a couple

OP at the age your children are now if feels unthinkable but trust me, by the time school comes around and you've made friends with some school parents, you'll feel ok about it. I spent loads of time with kids and their parents do that by the time they stayed over I was fully comfortable about it. And made some fab new friends too. It'll be fine

Mine have never been invited to a sleepover with a family I don't know. I don't think it happens like that? By the time they were old enough for sleepovers, I'd known their friends for 3,4,5 years at least. They'd been here for tea, or I'd been round their house for a play date. We'd spent pretty much every weekend together for a good few years doing the round of soft play class birthday parties. I'd say at the very least, my kids friends parents are well known acquaintances and in some cases are now good friends.

This is really putting my mind at rest thank you all so much. Guess I’m just totally over thinking things

I think this may also depend on where you send your child to school. I never came across this either as a child or a parent. Obviously there are perverts and abusive arseholes everywhere but what you’ve described is not common surely?