AIBU to worry about sleepovers.

[Emmajones2517]

Right bare with me I know it sounds a bit crazy.......
I have an 8 month old and a two year old. Me and my DH often discuss the future and how amazing it is seeing our children grow up and talk about when they start school etc. Then for some unknown reason I really started to panic about when they ask to go for sleepovers. Of course I want them to go and have fun as kids should do, but I got this overwhelming fear of what if I don’t know the family, what the house is like, will they be safe/looked after. Can anyone help settle my mind? I know this is way in the future but I can’t stop thinking about it. I also think part of this fear come from when I was in school I got good friends with a new girl and after a few months I got invited for a sleep over and I went and there where drugs growing in the kitchen and her parents room as the parents didn’t care what she did. Please help with you opinions

8yo DD has just started going for sleepovers as sleepover parties are the 'in' thing for her class right now.

My approach is that she can sleepover at home where I know and trust the parents. For example, my best friend has a daughter in her class and I'm fine with DD sleeping over there as I know and trust her. The parents of DD's bestie are a teacher (her) and social worker (him), I am also fine with her sleeping over there as I know them both and I know they're capable. She brought an invite home from another girl whose parents I don't know very well at all so I made the excuse that unfortunately we were "busy" that day and DD couldn't attend the sleepover, I'm going to try get to know them a little better and have invited them to softplay with us in the Easter holidays.

DD has had a sleepover of her own here at home and we invited girls from her class whose parents we know.

I think its more usual that a child will have been to the house a few times before they stay over so they will have sussed it out before. That said, we had a new friend of Dd's to stay last week who hadn't been here before. It's a lot safer now though, they all have mobile phones. Just prep your daughter before hand to text you a specific word if she needs to get home and you will phone with some excuse and go and pick her up. Give her the confidence to speak up if she's uncomfortable with something and the security of knowing you will help her. You can always have the friends round to yours, to get a feel for things first, although i know that doesn't always tell you about their parents.

I don't agree with sleepovers and my dc will not be going to any.

Mummyshark can I ask what you don’t agree with and how old your dc are? Just curious,

I'm a csa survivor op and was very cautious about sleepovers.

Dd only went to people I knew well and they had similar parenting approach to me and she was fine. Occasionally she asked to go to new friends when she was at peak sleepover age but I was honest with her and said it was a no because I didn't know the family well enough.

She understood, sometimes of course that changed and we got to know them.

Like all parenting you use your best judgment

It's so hard op. I'm the same but mine is now a teen and I have to just trust

Don't worry about it yet just make a note to try and get to know other parents when they start school.
DD had first sleep over at best friends house when she was five,just a call before. Bed to say goodnight.
This meant she was prepared for brownies camping and pgls at school.

As long as I know the parents I have no problems with sleepovers. Anything that helps with their independence is a good thing. They’ve been able to take school trips in their stride and hopefully when the time comes for them to go to university they’ll be able to settle in quickly. My mother has generalised anxiety disorder so I never got to go to sleepovers, and went to the local university and lived at home during my first degree. I didn’t travel as much as I’d have liked as she didn’t like me going away. I want to raise my kids to be independent and to be able to make choices based on what they want to do.

I wouldn't let my DD (8) go on a sleepover if I didn't know the parents reasonably well. She would also have needed to go round to play/have tea a few times as well. But they are great fun and as others have said they help build up independence, resilience and prepare for school trips etc.

Seems an odd thing to already be worried about! But okay, it's unlikely that a sleepover would be the first time at someone's house, going over for tea, to play during the day in the holidays is much more usual first. Assuming that it will just be at close friends houses, you will probably have gotten to know the parents at least a little bit through school, but also when they do go round to play when you drop them off and pick them up; also a way to quickly scope the house out. Ultimately you won't have to agree to anything you feel uneasy about, but sleepovers are great fun, and I found them an important part of growing up.

A mother and her young son died in a house fire in the road I used to live in. The son of another neighbour was due to sleep over that night but wasn't feeling too well so didn't.

@Aberfalls Does that mean you're anti sleepovers? Because if so, you could also take it to mean that no parents should ever sleep in the night in case there's a fire.

I think considering sleepovers when your child is as young as yours OP is going to give you a skewed view of it. Because you can't even begin to imagine the different levels of independence and confidence you and your DC will have when they're older. When you get to that age, you'll make decisions based on what makes both you and your DC comfortable and, as most pp have said, the general priority is to make sure you know and trust the parents. My DC are a bit sensitive o I also need to know that they are very comfortable with the parents and will be able to express themselves if they are nervous or whatever. DS has a friend however who is the most robust kid I've ever met - his mum doesn't worry about that at all.

Start now on getting to know other parents, at toddler groups and things like that. Make sure you invite them round for coffee, and they'll probably return that. When your children make new friends, invite them for a first playdate with their mum as well. If you and other parents are in and out of each others' houses, you'll be in a better position to trust them.

I'm guessing these things vary between schools and areas, but we had no pressure to have sleepovers until daughter was nearly through primary school. (Chats between parents can help here - sensible parents sound out what their children's friends parents think, to avoid issuing an invitation that might not be accepted. It's not always trust issues; some children have problems with sleeping, nightmares or bedwetting that can make it really awkward to be invited to a sleepover.)

Our most awkward one was a weekend boat trip with a family who were quite new to the area, so we'd only really met parents in the school playground. However from what I'd seen I had no worries, there were two invitees, and they were mature kids. That was the point at which we issued DD with a mobile phone (although it occurred to us later that coverage might not be good where they were going).

Mine have started sleepovers now - the younger child is a little on the young side but they tend to sleep over at the eldest's best mate and the younger siblings are also friends so it works out. No, the parents of the friends don't parent the same way I do but they're decent people and I trust their judgement (and ability to see through DD1's attempts at "oh we always have lots of Coke at our house") so it's fine. Yes, I worry - but I worry about them regardless and it's MY issue not theirs.

I just wanted to say, that I felt exactly the same when my first was small. I couldn’t even imagine letting her go on a play date (I have a job where I am privy to lots of safeguarding things where children are involved so I started to think no one in the world could be trusted).
However as she has Grown and gained independence I feel fine about it all now. Really it will be okay. You will get to know people and learn your own boundaries. My oldest is now 7 and goes on sleepovers to trusted friends who she feel comfortable with and whose parents have become family friends or at least people we socialise with.
There are a few friends of my eldest where if I am honest I wouldn’t let her sleep there. But one of the mums I would have no problem explaining to her why , and she would understand (older troublesome teens with random people in and out the house at all hours) and others I just don’t know well enough so would explain that as well.

When My oldest was in preschool or foundation I tended to invite children for a play date with the parent and sibling along as well. Then they could suss out my home and family and then it was usually reciprocated and I could do the same. And it goes from there.

Honestly it will all be fine. I used to wake in the night worrying about stuff like this when DD was a baby. I think it’s just the super protective hormones you get when you have a baby and they make you sense danger constantly and want to keep your children close when they are at their most vulnerable. It’s natures way of ensuring the survival of the infant. It will pass, I promise.

Why would you even allow your child to go to a sleepover when you know neither the family nor the house?

I wouldn't. I am happy with sleepovers, but I am not insane. YOU are the one putting the level of safety you are comfortable with.

You will see your child grow, and at 8 they are so far from a baby, you will feel safer. You never have to leave your child even for 1 hour playdate until you feel safe.

Some parents love to drop and run, at parties and playdates. That's not something that I have ever done, or that is acceptable here.

You will have kids at your house, and the favour will be returned. One day, you should feel safe enough to leave your kid for 2 or 3 hours in a friends house, then it's fine for sleepovers.

Or you will never be comfortable, so you just invite friends (adults and kids) at yours for the weekend! My kids love sleepovers at friends even when we are around too.

Be friendly with other parents then you end up in happy position of being friends with your kids friends parents. We only did primary age sleepovers within our friendship group basically.

I have such happy memories of primary school sleepovers at my best friends house when a child seems a shame to refuse in every circumstance.

I just made sure I knew the parents and that ds had been to their homes and felt. Comfortable
However I used to just opt to host the sleepovers as ds then was an only child and the others all had younger siblings. So I had more space and the bigger ones got to play at ours in peace.

Our kids only sleepover with people we know REALLY well, we know the parents and trust them, the kids are close friends. And also the kids are old enough to tell you if they don’t enjoy it etc.
D.C. has one close friend who’s dad we do t like and he’ll will freeze over before he stays at that house.
You use your judgment, and actually it’s lovely when you have a free eve and morning with the kids on sleepovers!

YABU to worry about something that isn’t going to be happening for years yet.

No @Blingloving. I wasn't a parent when this happened and it never subsequently stopped me from letting my son sleep over at friends however he generally preferred to have friends staying with us than going to other houses, so that's what we did and do to this day. The incident preyed on my neighbours mind till her son grew up.

Sleepovers are unheard of where I come from.
I’m not comfortable with the idea and would not be sending my child to any.

You don't have to do anything.

It's just useful to be able to send the kids away for a few days when you work, and it's a shame if your child is the only one refusing an invitation.
Some parents have hosted sleepovers birthday parties for 7 or 8 kids around here, mine would have been so upset to be the only ones left out.