To ask when grief is meant to hit.

[ADJ1151]

Not a nice thing to talk about so I apologise. Also posting here for traffic for traffic.. sorry.

Yesterday I lost a close family member kinda suddenly. They had been ill it wasn’t expected.

I was at the hospital.

I’ve never lost anyone close to me before.

But it hasn’t sunk in. I’ve shed a few tears but nothing like I would have expected.

I had a long drive home last night and had to keep it together so I could get home safely.

I expected it to hit when I got home. But I come home and I had parcels needed to be opened, I tidied up, seen to dc who were home waiting for me to get back.

I’m obviously very sad and spun out but I haven’t really cried much.

I’m not much of a crier anyway. Anyway would fall me a bit of an ice queen. I really do feel emotion but struggle to show it 😭

How am I meant to feel?

It just doesn’t feel real!

I had a crap nights sleep and was sweating all night kept picturing them but no tears!

Apologies for this rather morbid post this morning.

My other family
Members are in bits but I’m just the expressing it the same way!

I loved my Dad, lost my Dad. Never cried once, still don’t understand it. You don’t know how these things will hit you until they happen.
Be kind to yourself, you sound like you’re very traumatised!

Sorry for your loss.

Everybody deals with it differently. You are still at a really early stage and the numb feeling will probably continue for a while. I found things got hard after the funeral because you don't have anything to keep you busy, just an endless sense of loss.

I hope you are ok. Look after yourself during this time, grief does odd things to you.

When I think of loss I always think of a scene from “Cold Feet”. Karen, having lost her best friend, is in a supermarket some time afterwards. She remembers her friend liking a certain type of biscuit and the grief just hits her. Grief will happen when it happens.

Each loss in life has hit me differently and in my opinion there is nothing wrong with you. As long as you are not stopping yourself from thinking and feeling about what's happened once the shock wears off then whatever happens is OK and just your way.

There is no rhyme or reason to grief. Sometimes the reality takes time to sink in.

Sorry for your loss

It sounds like you are trying too hard. Just take each day at a time. Sorry for your loss.💐

Everyone is different, not everyone cries, many people are numb at first. Take care

Sorry for your loss. One cannot ever be prepared no matter how ill they've been.
As above you probably feel numb. You're also most likely in shock and can't absorb it as it's your first bereavement.
Be prepared for this to come back in realisation at the most unexpected times. It will slowly and guttingly become reality.
It's not an easy journey.

It just doesn’t feel real!

^^this is a completely normal stage, you are in shock.

Very sorry for your loss

Every person grieves differently but we also grieve differently with every loss. Grief also doesn’t have to include crying, it isn’t linear and it doesn’t have timeline. There is no normal when someone dies. Just a lot of scrabbling round trying to work out how life is still continuing and trying to find a new normal that isn’t shit.

When my aunt died, I didn’t cry for a number of days, I still didn’t cry as much as when my grandparents died. My overriding emotion with my aunt was anger. Anger at her, anger at me, anger at the people around me. I wished I could just be ‘upset’ and cry it out but unfortunately it doesn’t work that way.

Take care of yourself.

I think if it was sudden you will be in shock
When you know someone is dying you have time to build up to it.
There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.
There’s a bereavement section on here which I found invaluable when I lost someone close.
Also the five stages of grief is a good way to explain it.

Thank you. He had been poorly for a while but wasn’t ‘dying. A few weeks ago a doctor said he had several years left in him yet.

I feel really guilty. I hate moping around the at the best of times. But I’m up, about to shower and get dressed. I’ve got the kids ready and packed to spend the day with the in laws. Put a load of washing on.. surely this isn’t normal??

It going to hit you lovely
Just keep putting one step in front
Of another
Sorry for your loss

It is totally normal, your brain is protecting you from the horror of it for now. Plus with children you do keep going because you have to.

What a tough time for you

Grief doesn’t follow one pattern, you may never experience the crying inconsolable kind of grief some people do this time. FWIW I have experienced very different types of grieving for different people and have never had completely the same reaction every time. I think it makes a huge difference losing someone whose part of your day to day household and losing someone who is outside that. It’s like you still have this safe space where normality continues which seems to ground you.

Your grief sounds like it’s a surreal experience; this is completely normal and you shouldn’t feel like there’s something wrong with you. I agree you sound in shock particularly as your friends death is clearly at the forefront of your mind. try not to focus on what you think you should be reacting like and accept whatever you’re feeling in that moment.

I have a relative who is likely to die this weekend and I dont seem to feel emotional about it. I think I will be very sad and upset about how sad and upset everyone else is feeling..

Emotions are hard. Why I'd it when we dont feel sad enough, we feel guilt instead?

*why is it

Like you, I'm not much of a crier. I have lost many people in the past few years (this happens as you get older!). I can't say I have really had a good cry about any of them. It doesn't mean I grieve any the less. After my mothers death (and my father's, a few months after) I kept thinking I would like to sit down and have a good cry, but the time never seemed right, and the feeling would pass.
Everyone grieves in their own way. Don't feel you have to behave in any certain way to fit your picture of a bereaved person.

I am not a crier. Even when my DD was killed age 5 I didn't cry much. I used to get irrationally cross with people weeping all over the place. It took a lot of counselling for me to understand everyone grieves differently and there was nothing wrong with me. I am very pragmatic and knew life just had to carry on.

My DF died in August and I have shed no tears. I choose to remember him positively and be glad for the time he was in my life. I do feel sad he isn't here any more but I don't need to cry to feel sad.

I was the same when I lost my mum - I kept waiting for it to ‘hit’ and it didn’t - I was sad but everything was just business as usual, I expected it to be like I had seen on TV, hysterical, unable to get out of bed & function normally etc.

I am so sorry for your loss ADJ.

I found my Mum dead recently and I have been surprised at how normal I have felt for much of that time. She wasn't ill at all and her death was sudden and very unexpected. For the first couple of days I had flashbacks then I have felt totally normal for much of he time during the first 2 weeks. It is as if it hasn't happened, except that I wake with a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. The funeral hasn't taken place yet and I feel I've been in 'professional mode' whilst planning but then grief has kicked in over the last week, albeit for just minutes at a time.

I opened your post because grief has hit me hard this morning and I wanted to read posters' replies. I'm worried about a family member who adored Mum and who still feels numb after 3 weeks. I'm also surprised by another who seems to be able to just move on and put these things behind them very quickly.

I suppose everyone is different and there are no rules.

It isn't a morbid subject, OP, it's something we should discuss more. If we did, you probably wouldn't need to ask the question.

I am very sorry for your loss 💐

My very DH died suddenly and unexpectedly 10 months ago, I managed to organise his service, and outwardly look quite poised and in control. I scared myself that I wasn’t inconsolable in the immediate aftermath although I did spend weeks just staring into space for hours.
It was exactly 14 weeks after that the shock subsided enough and I fell apart. Sometimes your brain needs time to process everything. Since then I ride huge grief waves that knock me over.

Equally I’ve had friends who have grieved differently. There’s so many ways for normal, and differs on the relationship we have with the deceased.

So sorry for your loss .

I don't think there is a 'normal' way to grieve. I've lost both my parents, my Mum to a long illness and my Dad very suddenly and I grieved very differently for both. With my Mum I was already grieving losing a bit of her each day but with Dad I was in total shock and nothing made sense anymore iyswim.
Try not to analyse your feelings thinking you 'should' feel a certain way - there is no right or wrong. Just look after yourself and go with how you feel. As another pp said, sometimes it's after the funeral that it sometimes hits after but again, not with everyone.
- to everyone who has lost a loved one

We're all different OP.
Sorry for your loss.

I lost my partner in my 20 s and was naturally devastated, but if day the grief never “ hit”. I was very fearful of that ton of bricks feeling, but it wasn’t like that. It just seeped in and settled.
The first year was hard, but for me it was a catalyst and a wake up call to be true to myself.

Reading Elizabeth Kubler -Ross’s work on grief And Steven Levine’s Who Dies helped a lot.
So sorry for your loss x