To have given up?

[losingpatience88]

I will try to keep this as short as possible, sorry if it drags on at all. I have NC for this.

I have been married for nearly four years, been with DH for nearly six. We have two young children together, one three, the other under twelve months. I have another child from a previous relationship who is eight.

My previous relationship was abusive. I was frightened of him, it had been emotionally abusive from the beginning and turned financially and sexually abusive soon after. Towards the end it was getting physical too. I met DH very soon after I managed to end things and I'll admit, I was fragile at the time. Ex was being intimidating and refusing to pay maintenance, I had hardly and money and was trying to raise a child alone. My stepfather was also abusive, and when I tried to stay with my Mum he forced me out.

I moved in with DH perhaps earlier than I should (he'd been gradually introduced to my child but he then moved in quite quickly after that gradual start,) but I was trying to do my best and navigate my way through everything including a terrifying child court case. He was kind and gentle, a well respected professional and very different to any other man I'd known really as I'd also grown up in an abusive household.

Things went brilliantly though, and he is incredible with my first DC (still is) so I was delighted when I fell pregnant with our first and we got married soon after my DC2 was born. We saved and bought a bigger house, we planned DC3. Things started to crack a little though, he would come home from work moody with me, refuse to communicate with me about things. Gradually it slipped to where I never feel listened to, he never spends any time with me (does he own thing every evening, has a hobby at weekends) and whilst we've had our wonderful DC3 recently, things are at breaking point. He has lied to me (smoked weed and hid it from me, looked up his ex and denied it, did cam chats online and pretended he 'didn't realise it would be a problem') and whilst I've tried over and over to fix things, I've run out of steam. I suspect he may be bipolar or similar, as he can often go into moods for sustained periods of time and almost 'switch off' his emotions where he'll then say anything and won't listen to reason. I have to wait for him to 'come round' before I get any kind of remorse from him.

I had a real heart to heart with him a couple of weeks ago and thought we'd made a breakthrough- naively- and he seemed to take heed to what I was saying. He agreed to communicate better and we said we'd try again. He knew I was close to ending things completely and he said he was heartbroken and didn't want to lose his family. We agreed actions that needed to happen.

Wednesday I came downstairs at breakfast time and he was rude to me. No reason. I tried to brush it off but this moodiness continued and I've basically tried I ignore his sulking until this evening where I've had to ask for a conversation and it hasn't gone well. He's refusing to acknowledge anything and won't say sorry.

I think I've accepted there's nothing left here. However, my kids deserve so much better than to have their worlds torn apart. I remember how awful it was last time, and I can't do it again. They have a lovely home, a lovely life and my DH is a caring dad at all times who cooks and plays and bakes and they adore him. Everyone adores him. He has no interest in leaving, and I think I'm going to have to just accept that for now, this is life. How do I do that?

well... I know when my partner smokes weed he changes. He becomes distant, and shut down, like, he's there, physically, but mentally, he's somewhere else. He can go for hours, saying nothing, and I'm left wondering what I've done wrong, why I'm getting the cold shoulder, but, it's not me. It's him, being stoned. Initially, before I realised what was going on, his moodiness and lack of warmth made me anxious. I wondered what I'd done wrong, how I should fix it or fix myself, I tried to have the same heart-to-heart conversations as you have had, I even wondered if he was depressed or something but no: he's just stoned. In his head, there's no problems. Nothing is wrong. Everything is good, except, to me, he's miles away and I'm not getting the 'usual' conversation or consideration. Now, instead of trying to talk, and fix it, I just acknowledge that he's wasted, and his attitude isn't my responsibility. hope some of that helps.

He's not a great dad if he's unapologetically rude to the mother of his children for no reason.

That's actually a comment someone posted on a thread of mine about my dh and it really struck a chord with me.

Just because he's so much better than your appalling ex, doesn't mean you still don't deserve better. Your relationship serves as a guide for your dc's future relationships - would you be happy with any of your dc's partners or friends treating your dc this way?

Just to be clear - if your dh won't be the husband and father your family needs, it wouldn't be you tearing their world apart. If you stay together it'll all come crashing down around them when they realise you stayed in a miserable marriage for them. Children don't actually thank their parents for staying together and being unhappy.