to ask if you just stopped hearing from your Dad?

[CheshireDing]

I say Dad as possibly more likely then not hearing from your Mum (maybe)?

I am in my early 40's, Parents divorced and remarried when I was early 20's, still had a good relationship with them both after this.

I now have 3 children though and my Dad has not even bothered to drive over and see DC3 (so it's now over 4 years since I last saw my Dad) and only met DC2 when he was a baby (because I drove over to see him).

It just seems weird that my Dad who I lived with for 20 odd years now doesn't bother to contact me, does anyone else have this situation ? Is it because I am an adult ?!

After he last saw DC2 I used to text and suggest they come here for dinner (he would then say "yeah we will sort something/Stepmum is working, child busy with school etc), Stepmum is lovely so she's not the reason he doesn't contact me. Then I just decided a couple of years ago to stop chasing for a meet up and see how long it would be before he contacted me (partly knowing he wouldn't).

So here we are years later and he has not contacted me, we live about 2 hour round trip from each other. He works and is perfectly fit and able etc.

DH can't understand why I don't contact Dad more, but honestly what's the bloody point ?! Surely you would expect a fit able Dad to drive and see his newest Grandchild too?

I feel you. My parents split 25yrs ago and both remained single. I was always a daddy's girl and my dad was always there for me. He still says he is (and tbf he would be) but unless I contact him I don't hear from him... ever. He says he doesn't want to bother me but i honestly think he just isn't that bothered (with anyone). I now call him every few weeks for fairly short (not my choice) conversations. It's annoying, being the only one to pick up the phone. Makes me feel like he doesn't care but i know he does. I can't change him. I know he wants me to contact him but won't do so himself. My choice is to either contact him or have no contact and while both options suck, one sucks more than the other.
I know your situation is different but I think you need to evaluate how much you want contact and then do whatever makes you the least unhappy.

I'd be crushed if I lost contact with my dad. Yes, it's a pain to be the one always making the effort, but if your relationship can be salvaged by picking up the phone, do it.

Could you talk to him about it? Perhaps he didn't want to intrude on your new family, perhaps he was having difficulties with his wife, perhaps he had work problems or health problems you don't know about. Not making excuses for him, but perhaps there are things you don't know about that stopped him coming to you and now it has been so long he doesn't know how to get the relationship back on track.

Give him a call, give him a chance. See what happens. Good luck 🍀💐

Give him a call. I think you will regret it if you don't.

Yes he should have contacted you, but whats to gain from taking that stance

My parents split when I was 6. My dad was a semi functioning alcoholic at that point. After some scary situations when he was drunk (age 8 with my younger siblings in the house and an accidental fire from an ember popping out the fire-couldn’t get siblings out because he locked the door and hid the keys, windows also locked and phone was kept up high out of my reach after I’d called my mum previously when he fell over and banged his head) I refused to go anymore. He emigrated to Dubai shortly after and by age 10 he was non contact.

My mum tracked him down when I was 18 and we kept in sporadic touch. He blamed me for not making an effort to stay in touch with him

At 20 I was determined to build a relationship with him because I wanted to entice him back to the uk so I could ask him wtf he was playing at all those years and the cf had the cheek to have a brain aneurysm and die. I’m not going to lie, I was semi relieved but as I’ve got older I do wish I had had the chance to spend time with him as an adult as from the stories my mum tells he wasn’t a bad guy. His folks died young so I don’t know anything really about his side of the family which is pretty gutting.

If I were you, I’d reach out and make the effort to ask him to meet. Speak to his wife if you think she’s maybe better at organising things.

If you haven't heard from him at all be may have problems you aren't aware of. He may be sick. He may be dead. I would just ring him tomorrow and check he is okay. He may well be fine and just not good at being a father but you won't know if you don't ring him.

I would certainly expect him to be in touch, OP.

To contrast (and this is really not a brag, just to put what he's doing in context), I live about a 14-hour drive/4-hour drive/flight from my father. We talk on the phone a few times a week, text amusing news stories to each other, and see each other in person about a half-dozen times a year, usually split pretty equally.

I think you're not wrong to be upset. Honestly, I'd tell him how hurt you are. I know that it's not going to feel the same as him seeking you, but it might feel better than a constant waiting game.

Yup. My father ghosted me. First time was when I was about 2 years. My folks split, mum moved back to hometown. He knew ehere we lived (which wasn't actually far from where he eventually settled) but he clearly preferred the life of no obligations and never bothered with me one iota.

I then made contact in my late 20's after having my boy (1st DC) and we had a relationship of sorts but after a couple of years it fizzled out, contact was only ever initiated by me towards the mid and end, all up until he ghosted me.
I went through a bad patch in my life - he knew. Still ditched me. I let him know I was PG. Never got back to me. I have 2 children he has never met, whilst in the mind of my eldest, he's all but a distant memory.
It hit me so hard to be dumped in adulthood that I needed therepy. I don't want to be "poor soul" as there are far worse things a father can do to their child: however my thinking was that I was not good enough and he was embarrassed of me and being the introvert, I can be mistaken for being boring. (Understandable, really).

Well screw him. 🖕🖕🖕I wish I never bothered.

Pretty much yes, he left when I was 5, remarried, had another two children, left them and emigrated to Canada and stayed living there. I saw him maybe once in thirty years.

Thank you for all your messages.

He’s definitely not dead, my parents had me quite young and I can see on fb he has recently been to Spain.

You have given me the thought that I will contact him again though (and see if he replies) ! 🙄

Same here.

Parents divorced in 20s, dad moved to another country. Very limited contact for the first few years (only really instigated by me). Didn’t come to my wedding, never met grandchildren. All contact just sort of.... fizzled.

He doesn’t have contact with any of his extended family/siblings/children now. I wonder WTF he’s actually doing, but I can’t keep putting myself out there, begging for contact and being squashed each time, so I don’t bother anymore.

My parents divorced when i was 4 my dad very rarely bothered with me. When i was in my late 20's he started visiting every week for about 2 years and then just stopped suddenly. I've rang a few times and his partner says he's either asleep or eating his tea/lunch. He never returned my calls so i haven't called since and he's not got in contact with me.

I've not seen my dad for months.
I'm sick of chasing / suggesting he see me and dd when it's all 1 way.

Growing up from about 7/8 I learnt how controlling he was of my mum (dv physically & mentally) loads I saw / heard and loads went on without me knowing (I saw bruises after). He kicked us out about 4 times even when my sister was a baby. By about 14 when he was throwing my mum around the bathroom and my baby sister was in bed I finally stood up to him. Didn't really have a relationship with him though. He left when I was 15 and we rarely spoke.
I met dh who encouraged my relationship with my dad and things were great for about 5 years. Then he started to lie and play psychological games with me/ dh. So I've backed off again.

I doubt I'll have much of a relationship again.

My exh doesn't contact our children (adult to 17yo) unless they contact him first or if I tell him to contact them. He then decides his lack of involvement in our children's lives is my fault because we are no longer married when in fact I facilitate 90% of their contact either by reminding them to text him or telling him to text them.
I don't understand it tbh, he wasn't a terribly involved parent when we lived together but I find his lack of interest baffling.

I just stopped hearing from my mum about 7 years ago. But there was an arguement, not just drifting apart.

I think you need to accept that if you want a relationship with your dad you will have to do the running. I don’t know if it’s a man thing and I don’t want to make excuses or enable such behaviour and I certainly agree it’s not all men......but to keep a relationship going with my adult brother I have to do 99% of the contacting. My dh never contacts his mum unless pushed by me.

It’s not right and I totally understand why you’re upset by it.

Mine left about 20 years ago and has not contacted at all. I did have to track him down a few years ago when DM died, he’s quite elderly now but when I did see him it was almost like talking to someone you vaguely know. I send cards at Christmas, birthday etc but never get any back, I guess I may be notified when he dies so who know what will happen then, I guess I will probably have to arrange a direct cremation or something like that for him, we did not part on bad terms after I last saw him it’s just he wasn’t particularly interested but his memory did seem to be failing a bit.

I know how you feel, my dad left and moved far away when I was 15 and really hasn't bothered since. He's a chronic alcoholic and it seems he just wanted freedom (and no family involvement) to allow him to do whatever he wants unchecked. I'm now 29 and the only time we speak is when I pick up the phone, I left it 8 months the last time just to see if he would bother (he didn't). Every time I call he moans about me not calling more regularly 🤷🏼‍♀️ I have said it to him so he's aware I'd like him to call me more often but I genuinely don't think he cares. He speaks to my younger sister a couple of times a week but she never really lived with him and has no idea about the extent of his alcoholism or the things he's done over the years. She has never called him out on his behaviour or challenged him in any way so he sees happy to maintain that relationship. Sad, he's only seen my kids a handful of times.

My dad left when I was about 8. For me and my sister it was sudden but he kept in touch and we saw when every month or so for a while. Then it dwindled and it’d be once or twice a year. At 17 he suggested we just get in touch if we want to see him (before mobile phones). It was at least 10 years until we next saw him at a funeral and he barely recognised us. Then about 8 years later he got in touch. He was moving abroad and came to see me before he left. His parting line was something like ‘you can email me but don’t expect replies as I’m not good at keeping in touch’.
I did make an effort a few years ago and messaged him a few times a year, then went through some stressful stuff and missed answering him one time- never heard from him again. I think he’s been relieved all these years not to have been tied down by kids and by not ever following up after I didn’t reply, tells me he’s only replying out of duty and not because he really cares. I know that he’s been back to this country several times but he’s never made an effort to meet up or come and meet the children I now have. He’s not had any further children

I think some men are just crap at keeping in touch and rely on the women in their lives to do it.

I'm in sporadic email contact with my dad. We visit him twice a year- normally Easter and Summer holidays.

I got fed up of always ringing, so I stopped and he's never rung.

We had an argument over a silly thing where I was after some reassurance and he responded by saying some horrible things to me.

Maybe I should make more of an effort to ring but I only keep the relationship going for DS's sake TBH.

My mother is exactly the same. Parents are divorced and both of them live two hours drive from myself. My dad, however busy, sends texts regularly and would bend over backwards to see me if I asked (as I would him).

My mother, on the other hand, really cannot be bothered to pick up the phone or visit. So it’s up to me to drag dc and pets to her if there’s any chance of us maintaining a relationship. It’s frustrating, and there are times I really feel like giving up, but I keep our relationship going for the dc.

It's horrible that so many people have similar experiences but honestly I'm secretly quite pleased to find out it's not just me. I've spent so many years feeling that I'm not good enough for my dad to keep in touch with and that I must have done something wrong because that's not the way Dads are supposed to act.

Same here Daphne. My DF was emotionally abused by my DGPs but I've had to accept that they are his problems and I can't change him.

My dad is the same and has been for years, just before Christmas he came home to visit his family (by this he means his siblings and their children, not his children) and did not contact me at all. I've now decided to only put in as much effort as he does. He's not a bad man, just a thoughtless and selfish Father.

As Daphne says it is sort of a relief to find I am not the only one (although I appreciate that’s not helpful to others in the same situ)

Surprising to hear some Mums not bothering too.

All very sad.

My dad very rarely gets in touch and when he does it's just a message on facebook. He left when I was 12 and I didn't see him or talk to him again until I was 18 and I bumped in to him in a nightclub (he didn't recognise me). Then it was another 3 years until I heard from him again. Turns out I accidentally bought the house next door to him! I lived there for 2 years and saw him maybe 3 times. In the past 9 years I've spoken to him a handful of times (pretty much only when he wanted a free holiday) and not seen him in person.

I struggled for a long time, I was just so desperate for my dad to love me.

Now my mum is doing the same thing. Doesn't bother answering my calls, rarely replies to my texts, not interested in her grandchildren. I see on FB that she has a "bestie" who is the same age as me, looks similar to me, similar career, our children are similar ages... it's like I've been replaced?

I think I must just be an awful person if even my own parents don't want to know me.