Do I need to be feeling bad about work?

[JustWearThePants]

Long story short: I have a problem which causes recurrent miscarriages. I have had over 10 now.

With this comes not only the aftermath of each miscarriage, emotionally and medically but a lot of appointments in between, recurrent miscarriage clinics, genetics, antenatal, early scans etc...

I work 9-5 and have to have all of the above off. I would say I have at least a week off (not in one go) for various things mentioned above every few - couple of months.

I am now waiting in surgery to remove the products of my last miscarriage confirmed on Monday this week. Unfortunately as I have a fever and sore throat (complete coincidence) they wouldn't do this today and have rescheduled it for Wednesday or Friday next week depending how long my temp takes to come down. Therefore I have been off work this week and will likely be off for the majority if not all of next week (they have given me a note).

The last time I had a surgical management of miscarriage was in November last year and again I was off for about a week then waiting for and having the surgery.

I try not to take many 'emotional' days as possible but it's hard. I am depressed. When I have another miscarriage I spiral again for days afterwards. I've been off since Monday this week when it was confirmed again.

I know it's pregnancy related. I know I'm 'protected' in that respect. But I feel awful. I feel like I surely must be pissing them off now although they have been nothing but kind to be fair.

I'm not sure what the answer is because I can't and won't give up the fight for a child and this is what I have to go through in order to hopefully make it there so yes admittedly, work doesn't take priority right now. But should I be feeling bad? I feel like I'm desperately updating my managers all the time so they know I'm not lying/taking the mick.

Okay that wasn't that short! Sorry!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. No you absolutely shouldn’t feel bad (I do get why you do, but work is work and not the priority here). I would have nothing but sympathy if one of my employees was in your position, and it sounds like your employers are great. Wishing you all the luck in the world OP x

Perhaps for both you and work it might be better to take a bit longer off rather than going and froing? It might reduce the stress on you and enable work to plan better. If you have a rest and don’t try to get pregnant immediately, maybe your body might have longer to heal.

I wouldn’t feel bad about it just consider making it better for you and employer.

Cherry, I guess it's hard though. I don't know exactly when these appointments will be so I can't just take two weeks off and have them all then.

For example, when I am pregnant I have urgent appointments all over the place, early scans etc... When I'm not pregnant I'll get the odd letter for a genetics appointment or a miscarriage clinic appointment to 'check up' or review medication etc... They are all so random and appointments that are given to me, not ones that I request so I'm not sure how it could really benefit me to take a longer period off.

I've just been sent letters now for 3 'review' appointments in April for example, all with different departments at the hospital.

If you were my daughter I think I might be advising you to take the pressure of yourself. It is hard and work might be a distraction but maybe the stress of juggling isn’t helping?

Do you have a sympathetic manager? If it were one of my team and they’d shared this, I’d not be worried about the absence however inconvenient in the short term. I want my team to be happy and well. Could a frank conversation with your boss be helpful? They might give you reassurance that they understood.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I know it's not comparable but I'm doing ivf and as a teacher with exam classes the unpredictable time off is an absolute nightmare. But my life is important too, which can be hard to remember when thinking of any job commitments. I had a miscarriage 2 years ago and didn't take any time off work, which in hindsight was stupid. You need to put yourself first sometimes.

It sounds like your work are being supportive which is great. If you feel like it might help you arrange a meeting with your manager to explain how you feel about missing work. Just so it's off your chest and hopefully they will give you some reassurance.

Thanks cherry.

In what way do you mean take the pressure off? A break from work? A break from TTC? I don't really feel like either are an option to be honest. I need money and I'll go stir crazy if I waste time twiddling my thumb's if I give up TTC for a while. I want this part of my life over with as quickly as possible and so I feel like I need to push on iyswim and not prolong it by taking breaks left right and centre. I just want to get to the day that this is a distant memory asap.

I could have a discussion with my boss yes. She is kind, she has family who've gone through this themselves and has talked to me about them before and how she understands the heartache because she's seen it etc... So they are being really good. I just worry how long I can expect them to put up with it.

Hi seven, thank you.

It is comparable really as I have opted for IVF now through my genetics Dr and I'm on the waiting list. It will be my first consultation in a few months. So there will be another load of appointments I'll need!

Don't feel bad about work. Sorry you're going through this it must be awful and scary. I think keeping your manager in the loop if possible would help but only if you're comfortable. What's the long term prognidon successful pregnancies? Is the advice just to keep trying. Just I worry about the impact on your health with surgery and blood loss etc.

Can see why your worried about work but don't. They will soon tell you if there is a problem. Focus on you and get better. Take little steps. You will get there but you need to be kind to youself. Work is not the be all and end all..

Ok I am going to try to respond with two different hats on. A dear friend has been in your position and was starting to tear her apart, life and marriage. She gave up trying to carry, getting pregnant wasn't an issue and spent two years going through the adoption process and now has s much loved daughter. She does not feel this is second best but wishes she had done it earlier. Work wise its difficult, people do get frustrated being left to carry the workload and no matter how awful they feel for you its likely you'll end up being resented which brings you a whole other lot of stress. As an employer we don't have any option but to accept your time off but honestly patience will wear thin. Your colleagues won't be going through the same thing but they will be having their own issues eg ? MH/SC/caring for parents, finances etc. I do wish you luck and hope I haven't upset you.

I meant the pressure of work and juggling. I guess you know yourself best and if you’d drive yourself mad being off, then work is probably best.

If pure manager is wise and kind she’ll know that for the employer, supporting staff through challenging times is paid back manyfold in the longer term. It creates loyalty and a pay back that far outweighs the time you might need off now. Hopefully, in due course, your family will be at school and your employer will be able to reap the rewards of earlier good management and a supporting culture. You’ll stay with them and repay the tolerance.

Cherry

Why would she stay with them?

Business is business, you really think if the OP is offered a better job somewhere else she's going to decline just because her current employer was nice to her?

Nobody in her company, or any other for that matter, thinks that way.

lilmisstoldyouso A compassionate culture pays huge dividends in term of performance and attrition. It doesn’t restrict staff but encourages them to grow and develop. Nothing nicer than seeing people move on up. Whilst they are with you, staff treated kindly give more. They perform better. They are willing to go the extra mile and also trust enough to raise concerns.
They may well move up within the organisation rather than move elsewhere. Why would you want to lose good staff you’ve invested in? Why not allow them opportunities internally?
Obviously there will be some movement but statistically organisations committed to equality and compassion have better staff outcomes.

You should be negotiating flexible working and making up the missed time for appointments. Also just because you’ve been give a sick note for a certain length of time doesn’t mean you are compelled to take the full time off as you can get signed back if feeling better. An alternative to flex is to ask for time off for appointment la unpaid and then you might feel less guilty ? The latter really helped me deal with lots of appointments etc

I'm sorry you're going through this, could you take annual leave to attend appointments rather than sick days?

This might sound harsh but I think you need to take a break from TTC. Give your body and mind chance to heal properly. A friend has been going through the same struggle and was told the stress would only make it harder. It also means a break from the cycle of appointments which should reduce some of your worry over work.

Be kind to yourself, you've had a rough go of things.

Don't feel bad at all op.

I had a MMC last year and I took 3 weeks straight off, plus all the various appointments either side.

There are more important things in life than work.

If I could negotiate flexible working I absolutely would. This is a 9-5 job though, there's no other hours I can do other than those in between 9-5.

When I have general follow up appointments I do go into work either side of the appointment. I.e. go in to work, leave to go to the appointment, go back to work.

When i am given bad news at an appointment like on Monday where I was told the babies heart had stopped again then yes I obviously didn't go back into work and haven't been in since because I am waiting to have surgery to remove the pregnancy.

I know I don't have to use my entire sick note and last time this happened I only used a week of a two week note. This is a two week note again but the problem I have this time is that I still haven't had the surgery and will now be having this next week instead so I won't have much choice but to use the entire note. Obviously this surgery is not something I can just leave otherwise I risk blood poisoning etc... So yes this does take priority over work as it could be fatal to me if I don't have the surgery as soon as the hospital is able to do it. That will hopefully be Wednesday next week as it was supposed to be yesterday but my temperature was too high for them to do it safely.

I do believe I'm an asset in the sense that when I'm there I work hard. I've not had longer than a week and a half off at any one time despite being suicidal before now. I also take annual leave when I can for the longer appointments but I obviously need some of those days for an actual break as well/ to go away for a few days with DH.

I've actually not had a day off in my entire employment that hasn't been related to pregnancy so I didn't take the piss before this.

It's just so hard to juggle both like you say Cherry. And yes I'll admit that having a child is miles, thousands of miles, ahead of work on my priority list right now.

Someone asked, I've been told by the hospital that if I keep trying that it's extremely likely that it will work one day but if I gets too much emotionally, they will send me for Ivf with genetic testing instead. I've now asked to be put on the waiting list for that so I am trying to move forward now to other options but giving up completely? No, I'm in no way ready for that and I won't be for a long time, I'm only mid 20s.

If you're given a fortnight's note, take it all. Your doctors obviously think that you need it.

It's also less of an issue for your employers if they know that you're definitely going to be off until such-a-date; they just need to get on and cover you until then. If they are perpetually thinking you might be back tomorrow/ next week there is less urgency to cover your work, leaving more uncertainty (and possibly tasks) for your manager and co-workers. Depending on your workplace policies, you may not be covered insurance-wise if you are signed off.

You could request an appointment with your Occupational Health department/ person to look at whether there is anything that could be adjusted to support you. If you're not in a union, then join one and use the support they offer.

I would say, bearing in mind that you are in your mid 20's, take a break from trying to conceive for a couple of years. Get stuck into work, have some nice holidays. Maybe save up to go private in 2/3 years, but definitely have a break after 10 miscarriages x

Sorry, didn't mean to sound patronising.

Callme, I understand the reasoning but I can't do that. I seriously wouldn't be able to just 'get stuck in' and forget about it for a few years. I would spiral into serious depression, the only thing that has stopped be doing so is knowing that I'm still trying and there's a chance this might be over soon.

No don’t worry about it.
You have to prioritise TTC, it takes a lot out of you when it’s like this and you have to keep going if you want a baby.
Work is less important.
I say this as someone who went through years of shit ttc and had a couple of losses (I’m sorry). I also have the sort of job that makes time off very tricky.