Just lost it with my mum

[Sofeckingangry]

Hi all
I've name changed for this thread and would really appreciate some feedback as I am just so angry at the moment.
My DM is a fairly toxic person - if anything happens she will immediately feel personally slighted. For example she talks about suing doctors or the council on a regular basis.
While I was growing up she was always making digs about my weight. She even asked my headteacher at primary school to embarrass me in front of the whole school at assembly for the number of puddings I ate. She doesn't remember this but that feeling of total humiiation has stayed with me forever (I'm in my 40s).
Anyway, the comments have continued but I have learned to ignore ignore ignore. My DH is lovely and has never once made me feel fat or ugly and I have been a size 10 and also a size 16. I am probably a 12 to 14 at the moment.
Tonight she popped round (she lives a mile away) and while we were eating she said to my DS 14 'wow, you almost need a bra'. I just lost it and shouted at her to get out of my house and that this was unacceptable.I think I also told her that she was a terrible parent. I did shout and I know I shouldn't have (I am in no way a shouty person normally) but she left saying that unless I apologised she would never speak to me again.
I don't want to apologise but perhaps I overreacted. It wouldn't massively bother me if I went NC with her (she can call my DSs no issues with that at all) but perhaps she is the one who should say sorry.
I'd appreciate your thoughts.

[Franklyyes]

She will be waiting a long time for her apology then!
Maybe she actually needed to hear it - what an awful lady she is. You have done so well to manage her behaviour towards you - keep moving forward x

[Samtsirch]

I think after years of suffering an abusive relationship at the hand of your parents you can become almost confused about whether it is abuse or whether the fault lies within your self because of how they have made you feel ; it’s only when you see that same abuse being inflicted on your own children you realise how unacceptable and disgusting it actually is.
Well done you for finally taking a stand against your abusive and perhaps very mentally unstable mother ; you were not in a position at one time to defend or protect yourself, but you can do that now for your son.
Be very proud of your self,and in the future when she attempts to undermine you or attack you think of your son and what is best for him (and what is best for you as his mother)
Wishing you strength and good wishes.

[wasgoingmadinthecountry]

We are NC with dh's parents (for the last 10 or so years). This wasn't the final straw but my stupid arse of a FIL had ds in tears at his sister's 2nd birthday over his weight (he was about 8). I suggested it wasn't appropriate to make my son lock himself in his room in tears at his sister's birthday party. Arse knob FIL said I'd offended him so he was leaving. And I'M the bitch, Go figure.

Good on you, OP.

[incognitomum]

Good for you she sounds awful.

[SallyArmley]

Good for you!

My toxic mother started on DS with a similar nasty and very cruel comment when he was 16. I never saw, nor spoke to her, again, neither did DS.

When she died some years ago, she left £1K to DS and around
£250K to my golden sibling,

I think she thought that gave her the last word.

Maybe it did, but zero fucks given, as we saw that one coming.

I imagine she is in a very warm place now, along with some nuns who taught me, and were prone to making similar announcements OP.

Jesus would have thrown the whole lot of them out of the Temple. ime

[SleepyNightOwl]

Your mother is a dick. You reacted fine considering how awful she is. Go NC if that’s what she wants, I have with my own and it’s been bliss since.

[PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall]

I think you reacted appropriately given the history. If my mum said that I'd assume it was something that popped into her head and she said it out loud before she had time to think better of it. I'd have a quiet word with her later and ask her not to make another comment like that. Your mum has a history of body shaming and being down right nasty so we can safely assume it wasn't a momentary lapse in judgement. I wouldn't back down.

[billy1966]

OP, well done for being a great mum to your son.

What a truly dreadful thing to say to your son.

Good call.👍

[messolini9]

These two instances were approx 30 years apart so it's not that black and white

& the 2 instances are connected by 30 years-worth of constant body-shaming negativity by the OP's mother @Hypergear - so actually, the picture couldn't be more black & white if you put a monochrome filter on it.

[TabbyMumz]

My inlaws used to do this..as soon as you walked in their front room the comments would come.."putting on a bit of weight there arent you"? Or "what's this podge", poking finger at your tummy. When the comments came to my children, I started visiting less and less "still not had your hair cut", to my dd with beautiful long fair hair...or "blue jeans dont go with fair hair"...or "would be nice to see her in a dress for a change"....I honestly dont think they could help it, it came natural to them. But I wasnt going to subject my children to it.

[SusieOwl4]

My FIL has always been like this and often had a go at both me and my husband . I think it niggles away at you after the years .then he recently made a comment about my daughters weight and I just lost it . I told him he was rude and out of order. He seemed really shocked because he had always got away with it before but I just came to the end of my tether. I did feel bad afterwards because he is elderly but rude is rude whatever your age.

[billy1966]

It's so interesting how much bull people will tolerate that suddenly goes out the window dow when it's directed at their precious children.
👍👍

[ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley]

I think a lot of this nastiness is because the person is fundamentally a nasty person but with family they can fully vent because they feel they can get away with it whereas if they spoke like that to their boss or the guy at the takeaway they would get a punch in the face.

My DMums mother was vile to my DMum. DMum's MH was wrecked as a result. If DMum had just had the balls to walk away, her life would have inproved immensely.

If you wouldn't take it from a stranger, don't take it from someone that is supposed to love you. It's far worse.