Just lost it with my mum

[Sofeckingangry]

Hi all
I've name changed for this thread and would really appreciate some feedback as I am just so angry at the moment.
My DM is a fairly toxic person - if anything happens she will immediately feel personally slighted. For example she talks about suing doctors or the council on a regular basis.
While I was growing up she was always making digs about my weight. She even asked my headteacher at primary school to embarrass me in front of the whole school at assembly for the number of puddings I ate. She doesn't remember this but that feeling of total humiiation has stayed with me forever (I'm in my 40s).
Anyway, the comments have continued but I have learned to ignore ignore ignore. My DH is lovely and has never once made me feel fat or ugly and I have been a size 10 and also a size 16. I am probably a 12 to 14 at the moment.
Tonight she popped round (she lives a mile away) and while we were eating she said to my DS 14 'wow, you almost need a bra'. I just lost it and shouted at her to get out of my house and that this was unacceptable.I think I also told her that she was a terrible parent. I did shout and I know I shouldn't have (I am in no way a shouty person normally) but she left saying that unless I apologised she would never speak to me again.
I don't want to apologise but perhaps I overreacted. It wouldn't massively bother me if I went NC with her (she can call my DSs no issues with that at all) but perhaps she is the one who should say sorry.
I'd appreciate your thoughts.

[Mrsmadevans]

You need to go No Contact with her OP. l am so sorry you had to put up with this

[dustibooks]

Wow, she really needed telling, didn't she? Good for you, and I hope she shut the door on her way out.

You have absolutely nothing to apologise for, so stand your ground, and if she gets someone else to call you with a sob story, give them an earful of exactly why you lost it.

Good on you.

[nettie434]

I initially read that as her making the comment to your DD and thought you were being a bit sensitive (although I always think it's a bit inappropriate for extended family to comment on a developing body because it makes an awkward time even more awkward) but then I clocked it was your DS!

Me too MrSandmanBringMeABream and I had exactly the same reaction. No wonder you shouted. You know the distress her comments have caused you and you want to protect your son from a similar experience.

Enjoy your and stay firm in making it clear that any apologies need to be coming from her.

[Cheeserton]

Why are you OK for contact with the children to continue if you go no contact, when it's your son she says needs a bra??

[WhittlingIhopMonkey]

Another who thought it was your DD at first!

I am firmly on team f**k-her-out-thedoor

[Sofeckingangry]

Yes - you are all right.
This is the first time (that I've witnessed) she has said anything to my DS. First and last.
Everything she's said up to now has been to me. It is upsetting to think that my DS may have suffered in silence. I will have a chat with him and find out.

[Bagofoldbones]

Don’t let her see your son. Why do you think she will be any different?

[mathanxiety]

Don't apologise. Let her stew in her own toxic juice. She has a high opinion of herself, doesn't she, setting forth her conditions if you want a relationship with her after this. Surprise her - show her she's not as important to you as she thinks she is.

You are a great mum to your son. Well done for protecting him.

Be kind to yourself.

Don't contact her for any reason. Buy and read a book by Susan Forward - 'Toxic Parents'.

[puds11]

I think you’ll find you’re much happier without her.

[SunshineCake]

The whole point was this woman bullied her daughter about her weight and then has started on her grandson by saying he'll need a bra soon . How can you justify letting her have contact with him ?

[PolloDePrimavera]

It's one thing to say sthg to you (but still not ok) but something totally different to humiliate your son.
I have a friend who wants to lose weight but her MIL makes comments about her appearance and this sends my friend in the opposite direction, as if she's rebelling. I think it's a bit like stopping smoking, you have to really want to do it.

[Molly2017]

Good for you OP in not accepting this behaviour to your son.
Have some time and space to think about what you want.

[Drum2018]

It had to be said. She is a bitch. I have a friend who's mother is constantly on to her about her weight. I cannot understand why she still talks to her mother. I'd have fucking lamped her a long time ago. You know how disturbing it is to have someone, who should love you for who you are, put you down. Do not let her do that to your kids. Do not allow unsupervised access to them - ever! The only one who should be apologising is her but I doubt that will happen as she doesn't see any wrong in her toxic behaviour. So let her off and not speak to you again. She's doing you a favour!

[TheyDoDoThat]

It would be a cold frozen day in hell before I would apologise to her. How fucking dare she. Glad your son saw you have his back. He will always remember that moment.

[BabyDavid]

Well done for having your sons back.

That will mean EVERYTHING to him

She is a bully.

[Smorgasbored0000]

YANBU. Don’t apologise and don’t let her see your DS until she has apologised to him directly. He will remember that horrible comment from her for a long time, but will also remember his mum sticking up for him. That’s important.

[Hypergear]

In many families this would be meant and taken lightheart, jokingly. No one on MN knows if this if your family or not, only you. So really only you can make the call if your reaction was justified. The fact that you think you might have overreacted suggest somewhat that you know she didn't mean it out of total malice. But again, only you can know if that's the case.
Personally I do think your reaction sounds a bit OTT, but definitely doesn't merit an apology IMO.

[Cyw2018]

One Christmas Day when I was a teenager, I was hanging around my dad as he carved the turkey, and pinching bits of meat for me and the dog. My (maternal) grandmother looked me up and down and told me i shouldn't be eating it as I really needed to watch my weight. My dad had a go at her.

Shame he didn't stick up for me in the same way (with both my grandmother and mother) the other 364 days of the year.

OP you need to show your ds that you have his back, and apologising will not do that.

[nanbread]

Bloody hell OP

1 - she said something awful and plain horrible to your son, that may stick with him

2 - she threatened never to speak to another adult again for shouting at her after she said something awful, which is bloody petty and weird

3 - she threatened never to speak to HER OWN DAUGHTER again, can you seriously imagine doing that?

4 - she's got a history of making nasty comments

Any ONE of those things would make me think twice about wanting to spend time with someone.

You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing in calling her out and protecting your child.

I would watch out for not over egging it/discussing it too much with your son, you don't want him to feel responsible for your mother flouncing, and also it's a good opportunity to model resilience in the face of shitty insults.

[CollieDug]

You were 100% right. Never ever apologise to that nasty horrible bully.

[SanFranBear]

she can call my DSs no issues with that at all

Don't do this - if you're not talking to her, absolutely do NOT let her still speak to your DS.. she clearly has issues, please dont let her take them out on your boy - because she will, she won't be able to help herself.

to you and congrats for standing up for your DS!

[Touchmybum]

It's all about perspective. I have an elderly aunt who has no compunction about commenting on our weight - she has always done it and she's no Twiggy herself. But, she has a heart of gold otherwise so we tolerate her foible. My late mum was let's just say, very direct as well, but she had a multitude of redeeming qualities, and while there are grudges I could hold 13 years after I lost her, the truth is I forgave her many many years ago.

You have to weigh it up. If your mother is an otherwise positive part of your child's life, then don't put it on him that you go NC because of a comment she made to him. Just let him know that granny is a little bit barking sometimes and to pay no heed.

[Nanny0gg]

I just lost it and shouted at her to get out of my house and that this was unacceptable.I think I also told her that she was a terrible parent. I did shout and I know I shouldn't have (I am in no way a shouty person normally) but she left saying that unless I apologised she would never speak to me again.
Result!

Don't worry about it. Sounds about time.

[MulticolourMophead]

Hypergear It was malice alright. Especially with the OP's update about getting her headteacher to fatshame her as a child. I've had similar treatment from a narc ex, it's toxic behaviour and never really leaves you.

[ShellieEllie]

I hope your son is doing okay. I imagine he must be very confused and upset that someone who is meant to love him could say something so awful.