Just lost it with my mum

[Sofeckingangry]

Hi all
I've name changed for this thread and would really appreciate some feedback as I am just so angry at the moment.
My DM is a fairly toxic person - if anything happens she will immediately feel personally slighted. For example she talks about suing doctors or the council on a regular basis.
While I was growing up she was always making digs about my weight. She even asked my headteacher at primary school to embarrass me in front of the whole school at assembly for the number of puddings I ate. She doesn't remember this but that feeling of total humiiation has stayed with me forever (I'm in my 40s).
Anyway, the comments have continued but I have learned to ignore ignore ignore. My DH is lovely and has never once made me feel fat or ugly and I have been a size 10 and also a size 16. I am probably a 12 to 14 at the moment.
Tonight she popped round (she lives a mile away) and while we were eating she said to my DS 14 'wow, you almost need a bra'. I just lost it and shouted at her to get out of my house and that this was unacceptable.I think I also told her that she was a terrible parent. I did shout and I know I shouldn't have (I am in no way a shouty person normally) but she left saying that unless I apologised she would never speak to me again.
I don't want to apologise but perhaps I overreacted. It wouldn't massively bother me if I went NC with her (she can call my DSs no issues with that at all) but perhaps she is the one who should say sorry.
I'd appreciate your thoughts.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

If my mum was that nasty to me or my children, she'd never see any of us again and I wouldn't care if she was old and infirm, those are the consequences for nasty people. I certainly wouldn't be wiping her arse, spoon feeding her and tucking her in at night. I'd quite happily wave her off into a care home.

[2018SoFarSoGreat]

Enjoy your wine, OP, and know that you did the exact right thing. I'm so sad for you having to remember that awful public shaming. Be proud you have stopped it for your DC.

[PurpleCrazyHorse]

Plus, if her friends are that invested, then maybe they should pop in on her and check she's okay?

[lilybetsy]

she sounds horrible and I think low contact / no contact would probably be better for your family ... ?

[Fuckitwhynot]

I was with you until you said she can have contact with your DCs. Why would you allow that when she’s already started on one of them? If she does that in front of you what will she do/say to them when she’s alone with them?
YANBU to have finally stood up to her but YABU to expose your kids to her behaviour.

[Sally872]

You did the right thing. I would have some low contact only if I was sure she was really sorry. And it would be a long time before she was near grandchildren until she could be trusted. Doesnt sound like this will happen so enjoy being cut off, you did nothing wrong.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

Fuck that. The moment she started on your DS, should have been the last time you saw her.

Like fuck should you apologise. I wouldnt even speak to her again.

[just5morepeas]

Good for you! That must have been tough to say but you did the right thing.

I'd stick to your guns and don't see her unless she apologies, and wouldn't let ds see her either - I don't think it 'd be good for him.

[ShesGotBetteDavisEyes]

Well done op! You did absolutely the right thing, don’t you dare apologise. That feeling of shame you talk about from the weight comments, your ds is now possibly going to feel the same about the dickhead comment she just made to him.
Sounds like you and your dc’s would benefit from going NC.

My own Dm has a habit of commenting when I’ve gained/lost weight, she’s obsessed with it and not just me but other people (and herself). I eventually lost it with her and said “I find it very rude and shallow the way you constantly comment about weight/how many calories are in things etc. Why do you do it? Do you think you have a problem?” That shut her up for a bit. Although the other day she did comment that my boobs are looking bigger (a snidey way of saying I’ve put on weight) so I’m probably going to have to give her a refresher!

[ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley]

Your update OP! Shize! The thing about the school! There is no planet that is acceptable on! She's lucky you have given her the time she has had. Toxic is right! Christ almightly what did I just read? What a bitch!

[Ohtherewearethen]

She deserved everything you gave her. Toxic, cruel woman.
What on earth does being old have to do with it? That just makes her an old, toxic, cruel woman. Doesn't change who she really is. I'd leave her be.

[MintyMabel]

👏👏👏👏👏👏

Don’t apologise. When she speaks to you to tell you you need to, which she will, tell her she has shamed you all your life for your weight and you aren’t going to let her do it to your children, she either lives with that or she doesn’t. “I was only joking” doesn’t cut it.

Both MIL and my mum have made comments about my ten year old’s tummy (she isn’t anywhere near overweight) and we’ve told them to cut it out.

It’s hard enough being a kid without your family making you feel like shit.

[Butterymuffin]

Serves her right! If she wants support she can learn to be polite and respectful in return.

[ThatUserNamesTakenTryAnother]

You reacted appropriately in my opinion. Well done too
She sounds awful, poisonous and vindictive.
Stick to your guns, hope your son is OK by the way

[Takeoutyourhen]

Forgetting it or saying it was a joke in the same sentence is a classic narc thing to do. Denial denial denial. My sympathies OP. Maybe once you’ve had some time to gather your thoughts you could reach out (it will most likely not be her doing it) and see what happens.

[MrSandmanBringMeABream]

Jesus. I initially read that as her making the comment to your DD and thought you were being a bit sensitive (although I always think it's a bit inappropriate for extended family to comment on a developing body because it makes an awkward time even more awkward) but then I clocked it was your DS!

Unbelievably and unnecessarily cruel particularly from a grandmother.

She will never speak to you again unless you apologise? Does she promise...?

[MitziK]

Anybody telling a man or boy he needs to wear a bra deserves to be hoyed straight out the front door - whether it's an unrelated visitor, a parent or a grandparent.

What she thinks is a threat sounds like a pretty fucking amazing promise, to be honest. I'd take her up on it - and tell anybody who tries to guilt you into anything else that, actually, she is the one who cut off contact by abusing your son and even if she crawls over broken glass to demonstrate her contrition, you're done.

[Vix20678]

for you OP. Do not apologise. Take her up on her kind offer of no contact.

[SunshineCake]

Why would you still let her call your son ? That is ridiculous.

[DishingOutDone]

You under-reacted if anything. Protect your DCs from this toxic nightmare, and as PPs have said, take her upon her offer of no contact. If you consider apologising it shows how very poor your boundaries are as a result of her behaviour when you were a child

[Bringringbring]

YABU for exposing your children to this toxicity.

You say your mother is toxic and yet you have her around, no less you have her sitting down to dinner with your children.

No one toxic would be invited to share a meal with me and sure as heck not my children, relative or not a relative. Use this incident as the spark that propels you to cease relations with the woman.

[caffeinefix]

She sounds like my mum. Bloody well done pulling her up on it there and then!

[AFireInJuly]

Ha! Nice work. I bet she didn’t see that one coming.

[DishingOutDone]

I just saw that you would let her call you son - does he think this sort of thing is normal and he should put up with it?!