To want a baby now?

[Pumpkin108]

Hi everyone,

First time posting...

So me and my husband have been married for 2.5 years. I'm 27 and he's 28. We both talked about having children before we got married and knew it was something we both wanted at some point. I think we thought we'd spend a few years together and then try for a baby and everything would go smoothly...

Didn't quite work out like that.. The year we got married was a nightmare for me. Several awful things happened which, on top of previous trauma, resulted in me having a bit of a breakdown after we got married. I suffered with uncontrollable anxiety, panic attacks and physical symptoms which left me virtually housebound. Suffice to say it was a very difficult time and obviously impacted on our relationship as I became quite distant because of how I was feeling. I also became afraid of being a pregnant and childbirth.

Anyway I tried really hard to overcome all these difficulties but then just over a year ago I was diagnosed with a chronic bowel disease which has been life changing and hard to get under control.

Right now I'm OK. I feel like I've more or less got over my anxiety etc although I know I will always be a worrier. My health is OK due to various drugs but not 100%. I recently came off the pill after 11 years (!) as we thought it might be making my illness worse and ever since I have been really broody! Not sure if this is common?

Essentially where I am now is that I'm thinking we might as well just go for it. We own our house and are financially stable. I know if I overthink or overplan things, I might end up scaring myself and never doing it... I also think well maybe my health could be better if we waited but its a very unpredictable illness and we could wait 5 years and I might be better but I could also be worse. Also there's a possibility I could need surgery which can cause fertility problems...

I just want to hear some people's thoughts/advice as don't want to rush in and make the wrong decision just because I'm feeling broody but I just have this overwhelming desire to have a baby at the moment and even previously negative thoughts about not liking being pregnant have gone away...

Thanks everyone

Hi OP, thank you for being so open about your journey and difficulties , it takes a lot of courage to do that. So sorry you’ve had such an awful time but I’m so glad you’re feeling mentally ok. I’d say do what you genuinely feel would be right for you, your husband and baby. I know it’s a tough decision as my husband and I had a few things we needed to overcome health wise for me before trying for a baby and it meant making big decisions, thankfully all is well and I’m 13 weeks pregnant tomorrow but pregnancy comes with a lot of anxiety so please make sure you have support there with whatever you choose xx

@itsemily thanks so much for replying and congratulations! How are you finding it so far? I guess I’m worried as well about having pregnancy related illnesses like morning symptoms on top of my other health concerns

Have you doubled checked that it’s ok to conceive on your medication? I ask as DH has IBD and medication is not suitable for pregnant women.

@Pumpkin108 you’re welcome . I’m finding it enjoyable now but the first 10 weeks were hard, I’ve been quite poorly and with having epilepsy I’ve been very anxious despite knowing the two meds I’m on are the safest meds you can be on when pregnant but still suffered bad anxiety and I did have awful sickness for the first 10 weeks but it’s gone now. I would definitely speak to your consultant first before making any decisions , as they’ll be really good. I’m consultant led and it does make a difference and I spoke to my consultant before we started trying as I wanted to make sure I was going to be safe xx

@Selfsettling3 yes i know all my medication is ok to take
@Pumpkin108 thank you that’s really helpful and I’m glad things are going better for you. It’s so unsettling when you have a health condition as well. I have an appointment with my consultant in April so I can ask then xx

That’s good.

If you’re being honest to yourself about your mental health being stable and if your physical health is stable then I would go for it now.

@selfsettling3 it’s tricky as my physical health is ok, could be better i suppose but then if we wait there’s no guarantee it will be any better then, could be worse. My mental health is better but I am prone to those sorts of issues but that isn’t likely to change...

It sounds like you've thought about it in detail, so I don't get the impression that you're rushing into anything. Ultimately only you and your husband can decide whether it's the right time.

One thing I would say is that pre-natal anxiety/depression are very common, especially in those who have a history of mental health problems. I was blindsided when my anxiety - which I thought I had completely recovered from - resurfaced with a vengeance at 15 weeks pregnant. I was completely unprepared for it and it has ultimately led to me having to quit my job.

Hopefully you'll be absolutely fine, but it might be worth doing a bit of research on mental health in pregnancy and thinking about what the repercussions would be if yours gets worse, how you can protect yourself etc.

@Togepi thanks. Yes that’s something that worries me but not sure how I can prevent it from happening, only be prepared for it and how to deal with it

You've had a tough time.

What's not clear from your post is how your DH feels about a child right now. That's a huge input into the decision.

Things that I'd be considering and discussing both with doctor and your DH would be:

• impact of the drugs you are on on a pregnancy/baby
• impact on you (and by extension your relationship) of you coming off drugs
• impact of your illness on you/your capacity to function as a parent/ your relationship. I'm thinking about practical stuff if you become unwell, need an operation etc etc

To me you're still young and have time on your hands so I wouldn't rush and would communicate very honestly about all the aspects. Broodiness is great for driving you towards pregnancy but not much help after that. Best of luck.

@3timeslucky thanks, Yes my DH is very keen, always has been. I know the drugs I’m on are safe in pregnancy as best they know. Yes it’s true my illness will impact my ability to be a mum etc but then if i think like that i would never do it, especially as it’s a chronic illness.

True we’re still young but I’m just scared if in the future my illness is worse and we cant have one

I would seek medical advice re your medication and condition first. If they give the go ahead and your DH is happy to then I don’t see a single reason not to really.

As an addition to the medical advice about the prognosis/development of your condition over time I wonder is there any kind of support group either IRL or on-line where you could talk to other parents with the condition and get some advice or input from people who have been where you are, or where you are hoping to be?

@3timeslucky yes i have a facebook group I’m on which is great re advice, generally people are positive and seem to manage quite well. Thanks everyone. It’s just such a big decision but something I really want I guess

When you do get pregnant, make sure that you mention your previous and current mental health issues as they'll make a note on your files and keep an extra close eye on you for any signs of pregnancy related mental health issues that may develop. I have OCD, anxiety and suspected Aspergwrs and they did the same with me.