Am I doing this wrong? Grief related.....

[OldQueen1969]

I started a thread a little while ago because my Mum is in the end stages of cancer and it has escalated hugely in the last few weeks after her diagnosis two years ago. Lots of lovely MNetters posted with their experiences and giving me support and I found it so very helpful and am eternally grateful.

This week has been a hard week - everyday there has been some sort of major issue to sort out, meetings with nurses, etc etc which I have managed as stoically as I can, following my DMs lead. I am being as brave but appropriately emotional as I am able and this aspect of the whole thing is under control.

What I am finding difficult is talking to friends and some family who are very sad, sympathetic etc - I have withdrawn from social media quite a bit and to be brutal, just don't want to be bothered with people because most of them have significant issues of their own, and I don't want to bring them down, plus sometimes I'm a bit unstable - I rang my poor Dad yesterday to fill him in, got three sentences into the update and just started to sob out of nowhere. He was brilliant bless him, he was in my position with my DGM and I supported him as an adult then, but I haven't been prepared for the intensity of my mood swings etc.

IABU to withdraw a bit from people outside of the immediate family / close friends circle? If I felt I needed support I would reach out, but I'm quite a self-contained person and I am having involved conversations about the situation with my DP, my DS (25) who is helping out as best he can, and one or two others on a daily basis and it gets to the point where I just don't want to have to say the words any more because well, it hurts. At the same time I don't want people to feel I don't value their concern and their friendship. DM placed an embargo on public announcements of her situation when she was diagnosed and is on my FB so I darn't put out any sort of post that relates to things - I vaguely referenced an emotional roller coaster in a post a few weeks back and she jumped on it feeling guilty and worried for me. ironically it wasn't actually to do with her, more about my failing business but I really and determined not to have her worrying about me (which she is anyway) while she prepares for the "short months" of the end of her life - which is what the nurse very kindly said during her visit today when DM asked the direct question.

I have read up on Aniticipatory grief and other matters which has reassured me somewhat I'm not going bonkers. But the advice stresses communicating and sharing with others, which is the last thing I feel like at the moment.

So what would you advise? Should I do "Me" or am I being horribly selfish.

Unfortunately it’s only going to get worse as she progresses. You need to do what you need to do to make it easier for you. No one can predict how or what you’re feeling, and if you have a close few who you can tell it all to, to vent, to rant, to confide in, you’ve got somewhere to unload mentally, this is all you need.

Oh and also and . It sucks being the ‘strong one’.

Do what you need to do. You are already having to be careful out of concern for your mum's feelings, so I think you should absolutely take a step back of it makes it easier for you to navigate from here. My sister had a similar issue when my mum was ill. I lived miles away, so didn't have to face people every day who knew all about it. So I was able to only tell one or two close friends so I wasn't bombarded with questions and sympathy. Because sometimes the only way you can cope is by putting it all into the back room in your mind, shutting the door, and ignoring it for an hour. Having a normal conversation and doing every day things with people who have no idea there is anything else going on for you. Be kind to yourself

In this situation I think you should do whatever you're most comfortable with. Some people want to share every feeling they have, others like yourself need to withdraw and find talking about it quite difficult. There isn't really a 'wrong' here, it's a highly upsetting and stressful situation and you have a lot going on. You can always say to people that you appreciate them reaching out but you need a bit of time to yourself while you’re sorting x, y and z. Good friends will understand and respect this, and they’ll be there if you need them.

As long as you don’t become so withdrawn and isolated that it takes over, in which case that might be an issue – do whatever feels best for you personally.

I’m sorry it’s such a hard time for you

You're not being selfish. You have to take care of yourself or you won't be useful to those who need you. It's the "put your own oxygen mask on first" thing...I'm in the same position, Old Queen. I've found that between my mother, work, my partner, my children and a few close friends that I've got very little "bandwidth" left for anyone/anything else. Social media is just another time and energy sucker so I'm barely on it. You've got to do what works for you and if that means retreating for the time being then so be it. Your real friends will understand because they've most likely already been through it...Just know that you're not alone.

You DO need to look after yourself, and you also need a nominee. Someone who is less close to DM but whom you keep up to date with news etc. Send a message out to all likely parties saying you want to put all your energies into supporting DM and are finding it hard to cope with and respond to all the kind messages and enquiries. You are therefore respectfully requesting that messages and enquiries go to X.

I know someone in a similar situ and they update the nominee once a day so they always have the latest. The nominee also collects messages, passes them on in bulk every few days but no response from the poorly person’s family is expected.

Thank you all so much and hugs @ihateaparade - it helps very much to know I am also not alone anonymously if that makes any sense at all xxx

I like the nominee idea - I shall look at that further .

DP and I are going to a friends bands gig tonight to try and do something a little bit out of the current bubble because having CANCER on a ticker tape loop going around the inside of my head really isn't fun.

Thank you again and my heartfelt sympathy to those who have been through or are going through similar x

Yeah you just do grief however you need to do it. There is no right way. I couldn't bear to be around friends who hadn't lost a parent. I was angry that they still had theirs and it felt so unfair. And also that they felt sorry for me but had no bloody idea how earth shattering it was for me.

Make sure you have some support (eg. A partner or your dad) but other than that I think becoming a temporary hermit is fine and understandable:) sending strength for the coming days/weeks xx

There's no wrong way to grieve, and you never know how you will grieve until you're unfortunately in the situation that you need to do it.
When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, the thought "oh my god, my dad is going to die" would pop up randomly in my head when I was going about every day things, and I'd end up having panic attacks.
I'm not one for talking about my feelings very much, I have to be in the right place/time mentallyso it was difficult for friends and family to gauge how I was coping, but knowing they were there in the background was comforting, even if I couldn't bring myself to reach out to them. I'm sure the people who really care about you will understand if you take a step back.

Also bereavement grief can be hard to talk about. I sometimes found there wasn't really much to say. It just hurt.

OP, there is no right or wrong way to do grief. All you can do is to get from your be side to the other. At different times during the journey you will need different things to see you through. Sometimes it will be your friends at other times it will be strangers.

You do not have to do this in a prescribed manner or within a timeframe. Every death is different because you will be at a different stage of your life.