Feeling a bit down today guys. Hubby and I have been having some marital difficulties over the past couple of years. We are both in counselling and unpacking a lot of issues which we both brought to our relationship from previous experiences which has made our communication over the years completely shut down (without us realising). Anyway, the counselling has been amazing in terms of helping us to understand each other better and communicate more openly and honestly about our problems without fear of upsetting the other and getting defensive. For me personally, I really struggle with understanding my true value and putting myself and my needs first. As a child I was quiet and took a back seat against siblings who were very dominant and took up most of my parent's time. As an adult, I am also quiet and try not to be a bother. I don't ask for things, I put the needs of everyone else above my own (obviously to be expected with the kids) but also with my friends and family. OH has been on this journey with me of helping me to find my voice and invest in me a little bit more. However, it's my birthday in 2 days. Usually I would not expect anything extravagant - I would get cards from hubby and the kids, a couple of low level gifts (hand cream, woolly hat etc) and maybe a meal cooked for me or a family meal out (OH never cooks usually).
This year my brother has invited us to his house which is a first, but he finds it strange that I don't do big things for my birthday. He's the type to go to Paris for a weekend. He has invited my other siblings and parents and he is going to cook us all a birthday lunch (I'm really excited and looking forward to it). OH was not keen that we took up the invitation. It will be a 2hr drive each way (which I will do as OH doesn't drive) and there is always a possibility of it being longer with traffic. He grumbled that we'd spend all day in the car. In the past I would have turned down the invite so as not to make everyone do the long journey despite wanting to go (we have 2 boys under 10) but this time I accepted because this is something I wanted to do and I don't get to see my family very much. As it is on the Sunday, I said to OH that we could still have Saturday to do our usual birthday bits, it didn't matter that we would do a lot of driving on the actual day. This arrangement was made at the start of January. This week has been half term so I've had the boys at home with me and we were talking about going to the cinema. I asked whether they wanted to go midweek or wait until Saturday and go with OH too. They chose to wait until the Saturday and I thought this would be nice to do all together. OH leaves for work early each day and me and the kids don't usually see him in the mornings, but today the kids were up to see him before he left and they mentioned going to the cinema with him tomorrow. I got a call from him at 8.30 am with him very annoyed saying that the kids had mentioned the cinema, but did I not notice on the calendar that he had put that he was going out for the day with his friends to work on their project (they are making a short film of the local area and have been using up loads of time on weekends for the last few months)? He was quite irritated that I hadn't checked the calendar and said it had gone in at the start of the month. I just replied that I hadn't seen and I had only thought it would be nice to do as a family but if he can't make the cinema then I'd take the boys on my own. He was really huffy now and defensive by this point and said that he'd be gone all day and back at 8pm that night. I then said that that was a shame as there would not be any time to do anything as a family that day to mark my birthday. He said that he would cook me something when he got home, and I told him not to worry as it would be so late - the kids are asleep by 8pm and I don't eat anything past 6pm for health reasons. The conversation ended and now I can't help but feel a bit upset that he is spending the entire Saturday away. Like I said, for birthdays we usually go out for a meal or we cook each other something that the other has requested (he asked for a paella one year). But now with him out all day and seeing my family on the actual day, there is no opportunity for him to do something for me for my day. Loads of our counselling work this year has stemmed around appreciating each other more and doing/saying more to make the other feel valued, and I feel that this is a prime example of how he doesn't do that unless it is on his terms. It feels like because I opted to see my family that he feels that he doesn't need to do anything for me. OH has always worked long hours so time on weekends is pretty precious in day to day living. I want to see him and talk to him. I now just feel sad that spending quality time with me is not a priority for him, even to mark my birthday. I know some people are just not birthday people and others are. I'd say that we are middle of the road. We don't ignore birthdays, we do cards, low key pressies from the kids, I've given him something (he doesn't give me a gift because I am difficult to buy for apparently), we make/buy a birthday cake and cook a meal or go out for food. We don't do extravagant trips or pricey gifts even for big birthdays. But I just feel now that OH has completely shirked the tradition because I have opted to spend some time with my family. It reinforces in me the feeling that I am not worth the effort unless it is convenient to him (again, something that has been discussed this year a lot). Another example of this is when I had a cancer scare last year. I went to the appointment for the tests on my own even though OH had a day off that day. He didn't offer to come with me, he went out with his friend for the day instead. I did the usual thing of not saying anything before the appointment, I bottled my upset, but did tell him later that day and he was annoyed with himself for not thinking that I would want someone to go with me. Fortunately is was nothing sinister, but OH really struggles to think beyond himself. I am going to call him at lunchtime to talk about how I feel, and if he still chooses to be away tomorrow, I still plan to have nice day with the kids - we'll do the cinema and then lunch out as a 3 so that I feel like I've done something, but I do like to hear the perspective of others and what you think about this? Am I right to feel hurt? Or am I being a little over sensitive (I can definitely be that way sometimes). Thanks and sorry for such a long post!