AIBU to suggest we book a hotel?

[AnxiousAgatha]

Seeking opinions as to whether I’m justified or just being precious? Sorry for long post but didn’t want to drip-feed!

I’ve been with my partner a few months, all going great and in April we’re visiting his home country, combining a holiday with me meeting his family.

We’ve a few nights in hotels beginning and end, and I knew we’d be staying with his Mum in her home city for the middle (5 nights). I can be socially anxious so It would never be my ideal scenario to stay with people the very first time I meet them, but told myself it’s ok, it’s his family so I’ll be fine.

I found out yesterday that there are actually going to be 14 of us staying at the house. 2 families of 4 (one of which I’ve met already & get on with), myself and DP, his Mum and her partner and another couple. I don’t know how big the house is but myself and DP at least will be sleeping on the floor throughout, so I guess not enormous.

This news has sent my anxiety levels through the roof. As a rule I really like to have my own space, I even stay in a hotel when I visit my own family so I have somewhere to retreat to, and I’m a private person when it comes to, erm..... ‘bathroom stuff’ due to some previous health issues, so the idea of staying in an overcrowded house for 5 nights with strangers is really quite uncomfortable.

I don’t know if this is made worse by awful experiences with previous partners families, I know I shouldn’t judge one by the other but it’s hard not to. Spending 5 days with my ex-MIL would have been actual hell.

I really don’t want to offend anyone, seem ungrateful of their hospitality, or reduce the time DP spends with his family, but would I be unreasonable to suggest he and I stay in a hotel nearby so we have a bit of breathing space and privacy? I’m excited to meet them and am really happy to spend all day every day doing whatever they all want to do, but I really think I’d feel more comfortable with some headspace at the end of the day.

I’m trying to be rational about it but I know it’s going to spoil the run up to our trip if I’m fretting about the living arrangements.

Thoughts please??

I'm fairly similar and my advice would definitely be start as you mean to go on.. if you stay this time, are uncomfortable and don't want to stay subsequent times, it could get awkward as you may feel an explanation is required. Whereas if you start off not staying they will hopefully gather that's just the way you are. Hope your partner is understanding, best of luck

Oh ps no I don't think you are being unreasonable, everyone is different about these things and it winds me up when people have expectations about what others should feel comfortable with

@walkwalk Thanks; it had crossed my mind that I’d I try and brazen it out this time & struggle then it’ll be a lot harder to go for a hotel the next time. Ideally I’ll love his family and be happy to stay with them in future anyway, it’s just about crossing the first hurdle!

I’m like that too. I can’t imagine anything worse. Have you spoken to your partner about it? Would he understand? If he doesn’t mind a hotel and you can afford it then definitely book a room

Depends so much on the accommodation available - if they have a huge 10 bed mansion with en suites it is very different to 14 people in a 3 bed 1 bath house! Get further information and research what options there are within 10 mins walk to stay.

That sounds nightmarish to me.
Book a hotel. Use the excuse that you are doing it for their benefit, saving the bed linen etc.

If they’ve been told they are sleeping on the floor then it’s unlikely to be a big house and definitely a lot of people sharing a bathroom. My idea of hell. Check hotels and then present findings to bf

It’s fine, just book it. Explain to your DP that you feel anxious, and would like be able to leave when you want. And tell his family you are a bad sleeper when away from home, and would prefer to be able to get up, make a drink, listen to the radio etc without fear if disturbing them.

@IJustLovePirates I’m going to speak to him tonight.

@okiedokieme I’m assuming from the fact we’re on the floor that there isn’t really room for everyone. I’ll do some probing, but don’t want come off like a snob either ‘oh I’ll stay if it’s a mansion but not if it’s a normal house’

Quite honestly, they'll probably be grateful if you stay in a hotel, it sounds quite overcrowded. I wouldn't want guests sleeping on the floor for 5 days, even if one of them was my son, it's bound to be in the living room or somewhere inconvenient.
Tell your BF that you'll be booking a hotel, that you don't stay with your own family for that long. Don't ask his permission, you are an adult and make your own choices. He can join you if he wants, or stay at his Mum's if he prefers. This doesn't need to be a big deal if you keep it drama-free.

If I knew I’d be sleeping on the floor and could afford a hotel, I’d be booking it. They probably like the idea of everyone staying together, but the reality is likely to be very different!

@HelloDulling That literally hadn’t crossed my mind, I genuinely do listen to podcasts to aid sleep, DP knows this as he does the same,

Well not wanting to sleep on the actual floor for five nights is reason enough to book a hotel, never mind anything else.

My boyfriends family also live abroad, I met them in January.

They offered for us to stay at their house, I thought it would be a bit awkward so I booked an airbnb about a ten minute walk away. As I’m a wimp I told them I had booked an airbnb as it might be a bit much for my son to meet new people and stay with them at the same time. It was also our first over night together since xmas, so some privacy was very much appreciated.

Oh you're definitely not bu! The prospect of 5 nights sleeping on the floor is not my idea of a good holiday.
I agree with others - your DP parents probably relieved that you opt to stay in a hotel.

I’m 45. The only way I’m sleeping on the floor is if I’m fleeing a natural disaster or dealing with some other tragedy. Book a hotel.

Fuck. That.

Book a hotel. That's a panic attack in the making for me. I hate even sharing a bathroom with 1 or 2 other couples. And sleeping on a living room floor or - holy shit - the floor of a room other people are sleeping in...

I just couldn't do it. Book a hotel. Lie and say you have a back injury if they question why.

We live quite far from our family so whenever they visit we feel like we have to put them up. It's uncomfortable for all concerned and I do wonder sometimes if they just accepted to be polite the first time and now a precedent has been set it's a given they will stay.

I guess what I'm getting at is you could be doing the hosts a favour actually, so an even better first impression!

Hotel 100%

YANBU, when I travelled with my partner (in his home country) to meet extended family I flat out insisted we had a hotel for the same reasons, I need my own space - also I don't speak the language (bar enough absolute basics to not be rude) and I just knew I needed a few hours a day to relax and speak English and be understood!

His family were a little put out we weren't staying with them, but my partner backed me up and they were fine.

Start as you mean to go on, book that hotel!

I don't think 99% of adults would be happy sleeping on the floor of someone's house! I would have no hesitation in saying, "thanks so much for offering but it sounds as if you've way to much on your hands, we will happily stay in a hotel and make a little holiday of it!" They might be very happy that they'll have one less couple!

I would go down the line of being intimate with him and that going five days without sex would be hard, this would make my hubby book hotel for us!

@Finewine1976 I like your thinking! Pretty sure that’ll persuade him if nothing else does!

Thank you so much for all replies, I’d asked some colleagues earlier and views were mixed, so glad of an overwhelmingly NBU response here. I feel bolstered to talk to him later, and will be on booking.com until then!

I'm 45. The only way I’m sleeping on the floor is if I’m fleeing a natural disaster or dealing with some other tragedy. Book a hotel

Bang on target with this.

I'm an extrovert and am not put off by 14 in the same house. But 5 nights on the floor? Fuck. That.