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Original poster

Ex husband dad died (not bothered with gs)

21 replies

granadagirl · 20/02/2020 15:47

So found out last week ex’s dad had died
Ds dad (they recently got talking past 5yrs or so) Told him and asked him did he want to go to the funeral.
Ds (30) said he was sorry to hear that, but he didn’t want to go as he didn’t really know him
After split, grandparent haven’t bothered with gs since he was 4

Well today I’ve seen the funeral notice in the paper
It mentions his son & daughter
And also grandchildren (one his and his partner and one ss)
Not a mention of his 1st grandchild (our son)

I am annoyed, he can be asked to funeral
But not mentioned in the funeral noticed !

I feel like texting his dad. Wtf

OP posts:
GloriaMaximus · 20/02/2020 15:49

At least he was told. Exh mum died and a friend came across it on Facebook a week after the fact. DS wasn't even a though even though he had a relationship with her

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 20/02/2020 15:51

Well if he informed them he didn't want to go then I'm not surprised he wasn't mentioned.

It may not be fair of them to feel hurt/upset given that the grandfather certainly should have bothered with his own grandchild, but you can see why the family would feel that they didn't want to give him a mention when he made his feelings clear.

Labbage · 20/02/2020 15:52

It's just a tiny notice in the local rag. He was nothing to your DS, so who cares.

WinterCat · 20/02/2020 15:54

Perhaps he would have been mentioned if he had said that he would be attending. Either way, I wouldn’t bring your DS’s attention to it and would forget about it.

thecatneuterer · 20/02/2020 15:55

It's just a tiny notice in the local rag. He was nothing to your DS, so who cares.

Exactly

Drum2018 · 20/02/2020 15:57

Your Ds hasn't seen his gf in 26 years. Why would it bother you now? They clearly don't regard your Ds as family so accept that and forget about it. If your ex didn't actually word the funeral notice then it's hardly his fault. Perhaps his mother or a sibling did it. If so then there is no point texting your ex.

Original poster
granadagirl · 20/02/2020 16:01

Yer his dad told him
But how can one minute your the gs and get invited then not even get a mention as the eldest gc
Even the sgc got a mention

If my son had a child, I’d of still wanted to see them.
I must be too soft

OP posts:
BritneyPeedOnALadybug · 20/02/2020 16:01

Do not text your ex, his dad has recently died.

Is your son bothered or just you?

Why does it even matter? He hadn’t seen him for 26 years.

Original poster
granadagirl · 20/02/2020 16:04

If they don’t think of him as family, why bloody invite him and bother to tell him

I know it only a notice
It’s the principle, your either family or not
Just pissed off

OP posts:
LouHotel · 20/02/2020 16:05

It's honest and well done your son for not feeling the obligation.

ADJ1151 · 20/02/2020 16:09

I totally get this op but how would you have felt if they did put your sons name in the paper? Would you have felt right that it was in there when your sons grandad hadn’t seen him since he was 4? It’s sad the man has died but he played no part in your sons upbringing so it was probably the right thing for them to do.

My estranged father died. I apparently seen them when I was tiny but I can’t remember. I wasn’t in the obituary. I would have been very offended if I was as they have played no part in my life!

Arthritica · 20/02/2020 16:13

YABU

Your son was informed, he declined to attend because he doesn’t consider his GFather as family, having had no contact for over 20 years.

Having made his point clear, why would he then be listed as part of the bereaved family? Wouldn’t that have been a cheek of them, to co-opt him against his express wishes?

Drum2018 · 20/02/2020 16:18

If they don’t think of him as family, why bloody invite him and bother to tell him

Your ex told him and invited him. It's not only family who are invited to funerals. As I said, it may not have been your ex who put the notice in the paper so no point berating him about it. While he has a relatively recent relationship with your Ds, the rest of the family don't.

Labbage · 20/02/2020 16:27

It’s the principle, your either family or not

They haven't treated him as family for 26 years. Why would they start now.
He was probably invited because everyone was. I wouldn't read anything into that.

blubberyboo · 20/02/2020 16:44

Either way this situation was going to be hurtful as the death brings to public attention the fact there has been no contact for 20 years. Plus the finality of it means a relationship cannot now be rekindled.

He wasn’t mentioned in the death notice, which is hurtful as it feels like he has just been cut off as a grandson by the family

On the other hand If he was named it would have been equally as hurtful. To have his name paraded publically as the loving grandson who will deeply miss his loving grandfather of course would all be untrue and a fake sentiment.

Maybe in that spirit it made more sense for your ex to leave him off. Presumably many family and friends will know of your sons existence so will wonder why he wasn’t named. The missing name will serve as a subtle reminder that the deceased wasn’t a perfect grandfather without actually slandering his name.

Just be there for your son and let it go.

Lucked · 20/02/2020 16:49

I imagine he was invited by his dad so that he didn’t feel slighted. Or Your son might have wanted to go to support his dad, I have been to funerals of people I didn’t know because they were the close relative of a friend.

Original poster
granadagirl · 20/02/2020 19:19

Yer sometimes you need other people’s thoughts
Some of you are right in your comments, I haven’t thought about them

Just at first sightin, I was shocked in a way he wasn’t listed, then again why would he after 26 yrs of not seeing him.

OP posts:
SunshineCake · 20/02/2020 19:23

I get it. My grandmother died and my child was the only great grandchild. Not mentioned on the gravestone. Dad is a dick. I'm always feeling shit for being born. Didn't fucking as to be.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 20/02/2020 21:27

When my dad died he hadn't seen one son for a few years. He didn't go to the funeral but I still listed him in the obituary but was careful how I worded it. ("He leaves behind sons......").

Whoever placed the obituary notice (and your ex may have had no involvement) might have struggled with working out how to word it based on their non-relationship. I wouldn't take offence under the circumstances and would try and explain to my son, if he'd seen it, that it is not a reflection of being seen as family. It is just a difficult situation.

Your ex clearly sees his son as family.

shinyredbus · 20/02/2020 21:32

He knew about funeral - why does it matter if his name was printed in the papers? Is your son angry about this - or is this you?

Itwasntme1 · 20/02/2020 22:02

Ignore it all. A man who played no part in your sons life passed away.

It would have been galling had they painted this man as your sons beloved grandfather, he was a stranger.

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