Dd1's friend stole from dd2

[Lmbunny]

Posting here in the Hope that I will get more advice really.

Today dd1's best friends from school came to our street to play, let's call them Chloe and Sarah , Chloe is very forward whereas Sarah really shy. Both lovely little girls.

Dd1(9) and dd2(7) both went out to play with them, Chloe was persistently asking to come in the house, I gave in after 10mins.
(I Was busy with my boys and DH busy cooking dinner)
They played in dds' room for a bit,
dd2 likes to save any money she gets, keeps it in a little purse and hides usually in or under her pillow.
So in the room playing, covers off making tents, Chloe sees the purse and asks if she can have it, dd2 says no its hers, chloe asks for some money as it's a lot,(not really, maybe about £10 but heavy as its coins) dd2 gives Chloe & Sarah £1 each, being the kind girl she is.
They play some more then dinner is ready,
Chloe & Sarah want to eat, not a problem, gave them both dinner too.
After dinner Sarah goes home.
Chloe stays for another hour, then her sister collects her.
As she is leaving Chloe says thank you for having her over & oh and thanks for the £1.
That's when I knew dd2 had given them it and told her that was kind of her..

Dd1 then tells me she thinks Chloe stole dd2s money, as she saw her putting money in her jacket, which Chloe said was hers.
She didn't want to confront her again & didn't tell me or I could have dealt with it.

Dd2 runs to check and all but the coppers have gone, she was so upset. :(
So dd1 said she will talk to Chloe about it tomorrow and tell her to give the money back. I agreed. But now I'm wondering if I should speak with her myself or?

WWYD?

Sorry it's so long x

You need to tell your daughter not to hand out her money. That's not kind. That's being a doormat.
You don hand over things that belong to you.
Sharing crops/sweets etc is kind.
You're not helping her develop a spine.

I would tell the parents. And about the shop. And tell DD1 you don't want her playing with her anymore.

You need to teach your DD that people sadly take advantage of kindness and that she shouldn’t give her things away, however kind she believes she is being. I had this situation with my own DD a few months ago. It started off with her dishing Pokemon cards out to everyone at school but one girl started to take the piss and asked DD for more expensive things such as her Smiggle pencil case and ear muffs. DD obliged so I had to speak to both the girl’s Mother to get them back and the teacher plus had words with DD about it.

I wouldn’t let ‘Chloe’ back in your home either and if you can contact the Mother then do so.

I think you should contact the child's mother. This is not something you should expect children to sort out on their own.

You don't know what her reaction will be but you have to give her the benefit of the doubt and hope she responds as a responsible parent. Far better that she speaks to her own child and gets the full story from her rather than you ,or your daughter, challenging the child, which could backfire badly on you if the mother and child both then deny knowledge of the money then turn around and say you made false accusations to the child without the parents involvement.

Thank you everyone.
Yes I did tell dd2 from now she should not just give her money, or anything else that belongs to her away as some people will take advantage her and take her kindness for weakness.

I will find out at pick up today how it has gone and I will talk to her mum too, if she is there..if not I will go to her house with them after school.

I know sometimes kids do silly things, but now I'm not very happy about dd1s "friends " she has.

I do sympathise Op. nobody told me about this headache in parenting.

There is a boy in my DS class id really rather he wasn't around. He has vulgar language and hits. They're 6

It's a nightmare. Good luck talking to the parents.

It does sound as though both Chloe and her sister see no reason why they shouldn't help themselves to anything they please. Hence Sarah stealing chewing gum from the shop and Chloe helping herself to DD2's money (thieving from her).

Definitely discourage either of your DDs from counting these two as friends. They are not. I wouldn't even call them nice girls.

Never let them enter your house again. Who knows what they might decide that they like next. If either of them does come in then stand firm and tell them to leave because you weren't impressed by their behaviour the last time.

Before I am asked by anyone, yes I have actually had to do this. It was to a cheeky fucker who pretended to be a friend to one of my DD2 so that she could come in and bully both her and DD3. She also tried to say that she would sit in a corner and watch while we had dinner. That was when I finally snapped "No! I already asked you politely to leave a couple of times and I did mean it. OUT!!"

The next day I had to tell her that she couldn't come back in again because I wasn't inviting behaviour like that back into my house again. She hung around across the road in a sulk for about 10 minutes and then gave up. She didn't bother us again.

friend to my DD2 Must do a better job of proof reading!!

You could try contacting the mum but word it carefully, the girl is likely to deny it and then it's up to her mum as to whether she believes her Dd or not.

I’d mention it to her mum - only from the aspect that she might get in the habit of taking things from peoples houses and get in to trouble if not nipped in the bud.

My niece starting taking stuff from mine, few silver coins, chocolate bar off the shelf etc.. I didn’t mention it because it was so little. Then she stole about £100 worth of make up from my dds bedroom and I had to tell her mum to get it back. It soured the relationship as dh didn’t want her in the house and we were very close. I wish I’d stopped it months before when I first noticed

How do you know it wasn't Sarah who took the money, she sounds like she can be light fingered. I would ask both mothers to see if their daughter has any money on them, and that way it doesn't look like you're accusing one in particular.

If I was chloe's mum I'd have her give back the £1 even if she hadn't taken any more. I'd definitely replace the money and bring it up with Chloe's mum tactfully - she may or may not want to hear it. I'd definitely not let them back in the house though!

Ohm just noticed your DD saw Chloe with some money, unless she saw her with the £1

Speak to the girls’ mother and explain what happened with the £1 coins . I wouldn’t worry about souring the relationship as you don’t know her .

Maybe speak to the two girls and teach them about stealing . Perhaps their home life is difficult and they don’t have anyone to guide them . Don’t give up on them .

Don't ask her if she took the money. That will just give her an opportunity to deny it. Just say, please return the money you took. (This also implies you know the amount.) This has been an effective strategy over the years -- mostly with toys that were taken.

I really don't think stealing in children is all that unusual, or a sign of bad character. They're learning what's right and wrong, and what happens if they get caught. I know it's like a betrayal to an adult but it's not all that unusual for children, at least once. Use it as an opportunity to re-enforce with your own DC how hurtful stealing is, that you don't behave that way in your family, etc.

I agree too that you don't ask her if she took the money. She will certainly deny it.

Just tell her that you want it back and you will not be discussing it further with her.

Any update op, did you speak to her mum?

Hi all , sorry it's been busy busy ..
Didn't manage to speak with her mum, as I had a doctor's appointment I forgot about so dh done pick up.
Chloe was nowhere to be seen, when usually she will tag along on the walk back.

My dd1 asked her why she took her sister's money, and that she needs to give it back, her reply was "sorry I can't as my little sister took it" so dd told her I would be speaking to her mum.
BUT she then told my dd to "just tell your mum it was Sarah coz I don't want to be in trouble "

So dd1's story when dh picked them up was that Sarah took it, I got home and got the same story, I took her word for it(was a bit surprised & felt a bit guilty for blaming her) 5 mins later Chloe's at the door, returning dd1's pencil case she "forgot"- another lie/story made up so she had a reason to come over and ask to play.

I was busy bf little one so didn't get a proper chance to talk to her, just told dd, in earshot of chloe, she was not allowed to play due to what's happened, So she went home.

We are then sitting having dinner and dd1 says " I think I need to tell you something mummy"
Straight away i knew, " it was Chloe that took the money and I'm sorry for lying to you but she didn't want to get in trouble "

I am so disappointed she lied to cover for her .. these so called friends are not a good influence on dd at all.

I've told dd she can no longer play with her &she got so upset, saying those were her only 2 friends she can play with at school.

Where do I go from here?

Unless she's in a tiny school there are other girls to play with, she's being dramatic and is natually upset by all this. If you cave and go back on what you have told her. This will repeat over and over. Nip it in the bud now. Find other girls to invite to play, or have her join after school activites to make new friends.

There must be another 20 odd children in her class. She will make other friends. If this is the sort of thing Chloe gets up to, I wouldn't want her in my house. She sounds like she's got a bit of a brass neck, so maybe you would be wasting your time talking to the mother.

I'm sure your daughter will make better friends - I agree about encouraging her to take up activities.

I would give your daughter some credit for telling the truth in the end though.

Thanks @Troels

I will definitely look into some after school clubs I think that would help a lot.
And I do need to stick to my words now as you say it will just keep repeating.

Yes I did let her know I was disappointed she'd lied but thanked her for telling me.
She promised not to do anything like that again.

With her being so upset about it all and her being quite a shy girl I think she will still play with her at school, hopefully though if I can sort some clubs for her she will soon make new, true, friends.

If she's shy it will probably do her good. I was painfully shy at school going into early adulthood and I think doing more activities at that age would have helped me no end.

It probably seems like the end of the world to her now but kids adjust quickly. Chloe had the opportunity to put things right but made it 10 times worse.

One of my friends in primary school was a thief, her siblings and friends in her street thought it was normal to take chewing gum and sweets from shops and 'find' purses. Her dad would talk about 'finding things' when I visited. I didn't tell my mum as knew she would be angry and didn't have many friends at the time. I found new friends and we went on to have very different lives.

Your DD will be fine as she sees you modelling normal behaviour, but I personally would not bring this up with the other girls' mum (who may not care). A subtle back away slowly approach is probably better rather than having Chloe and Sarah as potential enemies.

In reality you can't stop her playing at School but you can stop it outside school. That is what I would do.