To let DH bring DS to see his ailing grandfather?

[Rootd]

DH's father is in the last stages of Alzheimer's. We have travelled abroad to see him probably for the last time. DS has autism and has never shown any empathy at alll. He walked straight up to his grandfather and took his hand. He's tried to feed him/bring a glass to his lips. He is constantly next to him physically touching him very gently. It's beautiful but it's also very much so upsetting DS. DS has almost taken it on as his own experience and I can't tell if I should stop him from visiting? DH thinks he should continue to visit as his dad seems to enjoy the comfort. I'm really torn.

Wow. What a thing for you all to experience and witness. I’m afraid I have nothing useful to give you @Rootd but I was very moved to hear your story. I hope your son continues to tend gently to his grandfather and you find a way to help him cope with it xxx

Who is benefiting? Nobody probably if I’m honest. Your FIL would be equally comforted by other people holding his hand. Your DS should not feel any responsibility for this. He has visited and that’s ( more than) enough. You don’t state his age.

My own father is in a similar situation. My adult sons have visited but just today I discussed with my brother whether he should take his DC and we both agreed he shouldn’t. No benefit to either side and very upsetting for the children who loved their grandfather.

Do you really mean to say you would or wouldn’t “let” your child’s father make a decision about this.

You are both parents. Would you like to think your husband let’s you do things.

I think if the dying are not agitated or in great pain it may be very helpful for children to see them near the end of life. Children can understand their grandparent is very ill indeed, which means that it is easier for them to accept death as a necessary end to suffering.

How old is your son. My f’n’law sadly has severe dementia and has been in a specialist dementia home for some time. When I take my young teen children to the home - both my f’n’law and the other residents notice them and their faces light up with joy. It’s like the patients have an inner instinct to recognise a child as a child - even if they can’t recognise relatives.

He's 8. I'm starting to think it's more just being out of routine and in a new place that's throwing him. I do think he and his grandad (and a lot of the other residents) get something by the kids visiting. His grandfather isn't in physical pain but DS is aware of how "trapped" his DG is and how little he is able to do to communicate.

It does sound like a very lovely relationship between your son and his grandfather. If he was my son, I would happily let him continue. It's just life, albeit a very sad part of it.

If you've travelled abroad specifically to see him, how many more visits would there realistically be?

Probably 3 more visits as DH goes alone once a day and takes the kids once a day. I don't, in general, believe in shielding children from death. DS's autism makes it all a bit trickier.

How lovely that your DS has shown such kindness to his GF.

I’d let him see him