Partners mother.....

[Akrotiri1]

I have been with my partner for 5 yrs, living together for 3 yrs.

Last November my partners mother sadly lost her husband to cancer, a terrible time for all involved, and every sympathy to her.

However her husband did everything, from driving, to doing the shopping to diy and gardening and sorting finances. Therefore she is really struggling to cope on her own.

So my partner and I are trying to do everything we can to help, but it has got to the stage where she wants us to go round virtually everyday, to deal with minor issues that really she could do herself.

My partner is self employed, and works full time, so a lot of this falls onto my shoulders as I work part time. However when I am not working I have a million and one other things to do, including looking after my son and a household of animals.

For example this week, we went round both sat and sun to help her clear out some garden sheds. Then on tues my partner went round to sort out her reclycing and to go to the tip for her. Today she has asked me to take her food shopping, then slipped in she wanted to get some wormer form the vets and could I stop in town to take her to the bank (so won't have time to do my own chores). Then she has asked me to take her to a routine blood test on fri.…….the list goes on.

She does drive, but as her husband did the majority, she is very underconfident, and tbh having seen her drive, maybe the best option not too. However we have sorted out a bus pass for her and she has 2 local taxi company numbers as an alternative.

She also suffers from anxiety, especially to do with her health, and the weekend prior she insisted we took her to a&e as thought she had chest pains - we decided to call an ambulance just in case but although the paramedics couldn't find anything wrong, still took her into hospital to be on the safe side. We stayed with her in hospital all day with to only be told at 6pm there was nothing wrong and to go home...….and this is not the first time.

The issue is that I am starting to resent her, (and my partner to a lesser extent, although appreciate with the hours he works, finds it hard to be 'on call' all the time.) I feel so selfish, but part of me thinks she is not my mother, or a even a relation, and I did not 'sign up for this'...……..don't get me wrong - if it was a matter of a quick call each day, and going over a couple of times a week to keep her company not such an issue, but this pressure every day is really getting to me.

She has no close friends, and although there is another brother, he refuses to come and help (we have asked on numerous occasions but was a miracle he even turned up to the funeral). She is not at the stage we could apply to social services for care.

Any ideas on how to deal with the situation, without causing too much upset?

She just sounds very lonely. 24 hours is a long time on your own especially when you're used to sharing your life with someone. She sounds like she needs the company.

Why can't you just say "no"? You can't be expected to take on all this, and you're not even a relative. Certainly the jobs like taking her into town she shouldn't expect you to do. You need to take ownership of this now, because it's only going to get worse.

@Jellybeansincognito I think that’s unfair , it’s sad and it’s understandable that she would need some extra help and support but it seems a lot to expect of the op.
A couple of times a week and a day at the weekend fair enough but practically every other day and the whole weekend ?
She will need to start being more independent but when do people suggest is a good time ? OP has things to do for her own family too ..

I think you need to talk to your partner. It sounds like a slab of ' wife-work' has slid onto you without much discussion which would be bad enough if you were married, but you're not.

I'm not saying it's not nice to help his mum but maybe him and his brother could be paying for a home help for her, or putting things in place for shopping deliveries. It shouldn't be on you to step up because they decided you had capacity to take it on.

Think about other life changing events and time scales. If you had had a baby in November it would only be 10 weeks old you would not be expected to cope alone when you never had to before.
Any timescale where you are still counting in weeks is really short. Her whole life has changed her friend and company has gone her support has gone.

This brings back memories. My MIL was almost exactly like this after her DH died in a car accident. She had depended on him for everything and hence she ended up turning to my DH instead. (My BIL and SIL had recently had a baby and had 3 DC of 3 and under so that was understandable as we didn't have DC then.)

However, she used to talk to my DH on the phone for at least an hour every evening. But I was also having to support my DSis, who had just come out of an abusive marriage, and she also called regularly, revealing more of what her marriage had been like.

I also helped both her and my MIL by arranging for the law firm where I worked as a legal secretary to handle their cases. That was a big mistake. My DM kept trying to get me to find things out about the divorce settlement, despite the fact that I wasn't involved with the case at all. However, I was involved with my MIL's insurance claim, and that led to me knowing that it was my FIL who had caused his fatal accident by pulling out without seeing that another car was coming. (The other driver was probably driving too fast when coming round a bend with parked cars, but there was no evidence that he was speeding.) My MIL refused to accept this and was furious with the police for not taking action against the other driver.

Your situation sounds very stressful and I understand why you feel resentful. I did and felt horrible about it, as I knew that my MIL's life had been turned upside down. I think my DH found it hard to cope with my DSis too, so we were both stressed

What I can say is that eventually things moved on. My MIL started to become more independent and learned to find solutions without feeling that she has to talk to either my DH or my BIL. And my DSis is now happily married to her second DH, with 3 DC of her own, and a DSS from her DH's previous marriage.

It will feel overwhelming right now, but, as others have said, it's very early days. You need to set your own boundaries and say 'no' when it's too much (you have your own responsibilities after all).

If she is so recently bereaved maybe some of the things she asks for are just excuses to have some contact because she is lonely.

Does she have any other friends / family nearby or is it all down to the two of you?

How old is she?

If her husband only passed away in November, she'll still be processing it and it will take a long time yet before she'll return to whatever was her "normal".

Definitely help her with things online, shopping could be useful. Introduce her to youtube 'how to' videos so she can do small things around the house for herself, change a plug/lightbulb, replace sealant round the bath or whatever.

Does she have cover with her energy supplier for things like all the drains from the road to her house or boiler breakdown etc? A friend of mine, widow in her late 80's has a deal with British Gas whereby if anything conks out, they come and fix it, she says the peace of mind she has having that sort of arrangement is worth far more to her than the small monthly payment.

Try and suggest a block course of driving lessons for her in the better weather, by then she may want to get out and about a bit more. If she's not confident, suggest she gets an automatic, there's so little to do in-car whilst you're driving an auto it leaves all your attention for the road and many people find it much easier.

Also help her to budget and deal with all the bills, there's a good list here of things she'll need to know when she's managing her own finances. www.stoozing.com/soa.php

Understandably she is a bit lost and not used to filling her time outside of her home/marriage/family. Perhaps there are some local groups she could join to make some friends and get her out and about a bit more. Is there an Age Concern nearby? Or some U3A groups? Women's Institute? Local college with Adult Education courses?

Perhaps you could see what sort of groups there are nearby (singing groups, knit & natter groups, dancing, painting, writing, church groups, walking, cycling, flower arranging, languages etc...?) and encourage her to get some friends her own age.

Agree with PPs - try to assign one day a week if it is getting too much every day.

When my DM was widowed it was at least 2 years before she started to put her life back together and could begin socializing out of the house, and she lived in a small village where she knew all her neighbours well.

I have two siblings and we all live just too far to be able to drop in every day. But we sort of fell in to a routine of staying with her every third weekend. On each of the other weekends she was staying with one of my other siblings. She couldn't drive and lived in a very rural area with poor public transport so she also needed help shopping.

It felt a bit draining at the time but got gradually better.

It’s still early days and most of it will be just for company. She will be incredibly lonely and still grieving.

My granny was the same - and still is a bit.

I have one day a week where I will go round and do things for her and take her shopping. Which is a nightmare tbh.

In emergencies I will always go because I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t and something bad happened.

If she asks you to do stuff tell her your busy that day but can make it on x day.

I got my granny involved in the local elderly clubs and the play bingo and go out on trips. She loves it.

Its is really tough. I think that even though her requests are practical things I suspect some of her motivation (probably subconsciously) is her social and emotional needs. Can you look into what activities age uk do near you or similar. Maybe go with her a few times. I really think that once she gets into some new routines that include seeing other people some of her other needs will be met.

It is up to you to set boundaries. You cant expect her to know what you are and not OK with when she is bereaved.

You can say no.

Yes she will be lonely. I remember that one of the sympathy cards we received after losing my FIL was from an old family friend, who had been a widow for some years. She spoke about the 'long and lonely road' my MIL had ahead of her.

My DH was appalled and said that it was up to us to make sure that his DM wasn't lonely. I gently pointed out to him that his DM had lost her DH, and that we would never be able to FIL that gap in her life.

You might try linking her with organisations local to her for company:
*WI
*Trefoil Guild
*U3A
*sports classes for older people
*lunch clubs

In some areas there are support groups for bereaved people who've lost a spouse. And in some areas the GP surgery can offer 'social prescribing' ie. similar to what I've said about connecting her with local organisations but by someone hopefully with good knowledge of what's available locally.

Thanks all and am overwhelmed by the support, and helpful suggestions.

It is such a hard one as know she is still grieving, and very lonely, but equally my partner and I cannot be substitute for the husband she lost, and do have our own lives to lead as well.

She is 76, in reasonable health, but has always erred on the side of negativty, even when her husband was alive. Her life revolved around her husband, so other than an occasional chat with a neighbour, has very limited social contact

I will have a look into befriending schemes, and into some driving lessons.

Online shopping will probably be beyond her, but having a set day to be on hand may be the way forward.

You mention the card from an old family friend who was a widow, could this be a friendship /support either by phone /letter or meet up that could be encouraged?
Does your MIL go to church , coffee mornings etc could help her meet people? Is their a local WI group near her?

The shopping & vet stuff can be bought online.Vet stuff is way cheaper on pet sites & you can set up monthly delivery for flea & worming stuff for about £5 a month. Can you download the relevant apps onto her mobile? Then I'd see if locally there are social groups or hobby clubs (films, gardening, book club etc) with the Church or Age Concern (it's for 50+ I think).

@Pumpkinpie1 It was an old family friend of mine, nothing to do with the OP. I was talking about how it was for my MIL after my FIL died in the car accident. My DH couldn't get his head around the idea that there was nothing we could actually do to stop his mum feeling lonely, and spent hours on the phone with her, which put pressure on our marriage. (And it wasn't helped by the fact that I was supporting my DSis coming out of an abusive marriage.)

It isn't possible to make everything right for someone who has lost a beloved partner. They will need to grieve, and yes there will be loneliness.

Does she really need you to do all these things or is she creating situations so she isn't alone?

If she's lonely and potentially in need of more support, would sheltered housing or a retirement complex be an option for her? She'd have friends, neighbours, activities, a handyman to fix things, a warden. It often gives older people a new lease of life.

I dedicate one day a week to my MIL. Hopefully not the full day. I normally visit on a Tuesday, but if she needs me to take her to an appointment on a say a Thursday, then that is the day I visit that week.

DH works away during the week so will visit on either a Sat or Sunday. Never both. Sometimes I go along then too but only if it suits me.

I let it be known that I am busy busy busy the rest of the week. Sometimes that is true, other weeks not so much. I think MIL would have me pop in every day if she could, but with children, a husband who works away, part time job, my own mother etc, that's not going to happen. She lives about 40 mins away.

My advice is to start as you mean to go on. The more you do the more she will want you to do. How will she cope if you go on holiday for a few weeks?

Online shopping isn’t really the answer. She needs to get out of the house and see other people. Anything that confines her to the house and shrinks her horizons is a bad thing.

As you’re prepared to give her a couple of afternoons a week, OP, can you make them the same every week and devote one to shopping/bank/vet/ whatever and the other to something nice like a garden centre with tea and cake?

It will undoubtedly get better but it’s very early days and winter makes it worse. Btw, you sound like a lovely person and she’s very lucky to have you.

I should say if she was ill or there was an emergency I would visit more.

I see this as a favour to DH more than anything else as it takes the pressure/guilt off him.

I genuinely like my MIL, and by setting boundaries visiting her can be a pleasure rather than a chore where I would start to become resentful.

Organise online shopping (you'll have to order) but bear in mind if she doesn't go out shopping she will get lonelier and more isolated and therefore more dependent.

It would be worth finding out about local groups for her although she may well resist those too.

If you can spare one set day a week (which could reduce further down the line) to see her and organise all she needs it will help.

Sometimes hard as it is you have to stop enabling them & let them sort themselves out - still support but don't do everything for them - it's hard and frustrating at times but best for all. Can you get her into a hobby? Line dancing? Yoga? Walking group? Village hall committee? Village in bloom volunteer? (List of hobbies my DM 82 does as well as helping me with ds7 when I work away or go out). When my "d"f left her for the OW a few months after dgf died she wanted me to ring her & go round every day. One of her friends persuaded her (basically bagged her until she gave in!) to go line dancing in the village hall. This was 2001. It was the absolute making of her! And then she realised what an utter sh*t my "d"f really was as well! Good luck to you op xx