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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think we can stay friends with both the DH/DW

23 replies

Smoggyloggy · 19/02/2020 12:12

Have a couple we’ve been mates with a long time, kids close in age, hols together etc.
But they’re getting a divorce - drifted apart that kind of thing, no OW or OM involved.
One of them doesn’t want to split so things are getting awkward difficult and could tune very messy.
My DP thinks I’m mad thinking we can be neutral and stay friends with both once it’s all done. There have been some awkward moments/situs cropped up as they aren’t really speaking g to eCh other but live in same house still.
Am I mad? Is it inevitable that we have to choose... YANBU we can be friends with both, YABU madness, it’ll never work

OP posts:

TheHumansAreDefinitelyDead · 19/02/2020 12:14

Over time you will be seen as "siding" with one of them

It is inevitable

TotHappy · 19/02/2020 12:23

I had the same situation except our friends had no kids. We were determined to stay friends with both, tbh never even crossed my mind not to. Both were confiding in us during the split which was a bit awkward and my friend got upset at one point and said that she felt her ex was telling me what an awful person she was. It was hard for her to feel that I was a shoulder to him while still living and supporting her.

But both have really needed us during/after the split, and I love them both as individuals and wouldn't be without them, although I still miss them as a couple. Two years later, it's much less awkward - both are seeing new people, have introduced us, don't mind that we still see the other. They won't come to the same events though which is a bit sad.

My make friend was utterly dropped by the rest of out mutual friendship group - not just that contact petered out as they were closer to his wife, but just ghosted. Not a single text to see if he was ok. I was horrified at how ice cold that was and it has lowered my opinion of the friends concerned. So if that's what your DH has in mind... Don't do that.

Damntheman · 19/02/2020 12:43

Oof good luck.. I think it can be possible but it will be a LOT of work and you'll need to set very firm boundaries about not wanting to have to listen to them moan about the other. This may well result in you losing them both. I suspect you'll be seen by one of them as siding with the other in the end purely because you wouldn't take a side (which of course means you're not siding with ME etc). It's hard, I'm sorry :(

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/02/2020 12:45

I’ve never managed it. In time things will come out that you probably don’t know about and one or both of them will want you to choose. You’ll end up seeing the kids with one more than the other. New partners will appear and you’ll have to choose whether or not to become friends with them.

I quietly seethe at anyone I’m friends with having any contact with my ex

TheLowry · 19/02/2020 13:23

There will be an OW/OM. They will appear in the next few months but be called a new relationship.

Blackandgreenteas · 19/02/2020 13:50

You can only do your best!

PicsInRed · 19/02/2020 14:01

I would be very cautious about doing couple things with the new couple ... which TheLowry astutely points out will soon emerge.

If I was determined not to take sides, I would explain to them both that you are determined to remain friends with both and not take sides and therefore there would be no couply things (with new partners) for 2 years. I would quietly resolve not to do couply things with an OM/W. Otherwise, inevitably it will seem like taking sides.

AryaStarkWolf · 19/02/2020 14:04

meh I don't see why you can't be although you probably will end up liking/siding with one more than the other (doesn't mean you still can't be friends with both though)

arethereanyleftatall · 19/02/2020 14:06

Yanbu!
It can happen. Dh and I are getting a divorce, all amicable, just run its course. We've socialised many times since with the friends we made together.

lyralalala · 19/02/2020 14:07

You can, but it'll go pear shaped when the one that wants to end the marriage gets a new partner and the one that didn't doesn't like it

Assuming there genuinely isn't an OM/OW

Fairyliz · 19/02/2020 14:27

No never seen it happen. It’s inevitable you will see one more than the other, then you will be seen as taking sides.

WickedCrown · 19/02/2020 14:36

I've yet to see this situation you're hoping for, work.

The OW/OM will appear on the scene 3-6 months after the split.

And even if they don't, the fact that one party doesn't really want the split and things are already getting awkward and difficult will make it really hard work for you.

Headstand · 19/02/2020 14:37

I desperately wanted to make staying friends with both parties work when friends of ours divorced but as they both changed during the process it became impossible to support both when one of them in particular became very negative and callous towards the other. I couldn't stay friends with someone who would treat someone that way. Divorce is hard and even when parting with the best intentions it doesn't always stay that way.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 19/02/2020 14:40

There will be an OW/OM. They will appear in the next few months but be called a new relationship

So you think couples never get divorced unless there's someone else involved?

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/02/2020 14:41

It can be done but carefully.

My divorce was a thousand years ago and two halves of a couple are still our best friends. The wife is hilarious about it. We both attended a party they threw and I was in the living room and he was in the kitchen. She basically told us to be civil or fuck off. The DH used to say things like, "yeah he's a wanker but he's my mate" and advise my exDH not to be a dick to me.

They were open, honest, had boundaries and didn't put up with bullshit.

Bartlet · 19/02/2020 14:41

My ex and I stayed friends with some of the couples we had met during the course of our marriage. I encouraged him to stay in touch as I knew he was more vulnerable and didn’t make friends that easily.

If the couple can be mature about it then of course it can work. I made a point of never discussing my ex with mutual friends and just concentrated on other topics of conversation. Of course, if there is anger and bitterness then it makes it more awkward.

Lllot5 · 19/02/2020 14:43

I think you’ll be lucky tbh.
I wanted to stay friends with my ex and his friends family. But I was dropped like a hot potato. Still don’t know why.

Gadgnkk · 19/02/2020 14:50

Realistically in the event of a bitter/unwanted divorce, I’d only want friends who didn’t socialise with ex. If that meant that I had no friends left, so be it.

There may be an OW/OM hidden away somewhere. “Drifted apart” when there are kids involved and they promised “til death do us part” doesn’t wash with me. If there are kids involved and the only problem is “drifting apart” then they absolutely shouldn’t be getting divorced, particularly when one party doesn’t want to.

dayswithaY · 19/02/2020 14:51

It doesn't make much difference right now. As many have pointed out, the person who has instigated the split will introduce their "new" partner after an acceptable period of time. Everyone will see through this for what it really is, then battle will commence. You might as well pick a side now.

FizzyIce · 19/02/2020 15:17

You’re not “mad” but it happened to friends of ours and it was not the same afterwards, it got awkward and in the end we drifted apart , the whole friendship group did and none of us talk now which is sad

GrannyWeatherwaxesHatpin · 19/02/2020 15:30

I’m in this situation at the moment.

Couple have split, on the face of it due to one (A) meeting someone else, and A and their new partner are still together. A and their ex (B) are both close friends of mine. B is pretty bitter about the whole thing (understandably) but my (very personal) opinion is that there’s more to it than just an affair, and that was just the culmination of matters. Aside from who may or may not be in the wrong, neither of them have wronged me personally.

It is hard because I hear a different story from both sides and A seems very much to want me to be on their “side”. They absolutely don’t like the fact that I’ve met B’s partner and socialise with B and partner as much as I do A.

I have made it clear to both that I will never repeat to one what the other has said, nor will I be drawn into their arguments or taking sides. I love them both equally and treat them equally too.

Time will tell if both friendships survive but I’m trying hard to make sure they do.

GrannyWeatherwaxesHatpin · 19/02/2020 15:32

Sorry, that should say that B wants me to be on their “side”.

I absolutely won’t choose sides; it’s not for me to judge.

Original poster

Smoggyloggy · 20/02/2020 08:27

Yeah, I'm not hopeful. One of them has stopped talking to us as much and has a new bunch of friends that they're hanging out with, the other is still hanging with us and does occasionally talk about the awful situ that they're in but I find it really awkward as I totally see each side and wish they would just crack on with sorting this all out officially.

OP posts:

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