AIBU to take some time off work for mums illness

[mumontherun14]

Hi there. Just looking for some opinions on this. I work full time in a government role managing a small team. My dear mum has Alzhiemers and is now at an advanced stage. She has had it for past ten years and has been gradually getting worse. Last year she fell at home and hurt her head and needed 24hr care and had to move into a care home. It is a really nice place and the staff are lovely.

I work full time but with flexible working and usually manage to work from home at least 2 days a week. I visit Mum twice a week in afternoons but recently have felt she is really sleepy can be less responsive and now doesn't recognise me which has been really hard to deal with though there can be good & bad days. She is well visited and has either my dad, my uncle, myself or my sister there every day so she always has a visitor.

I have 2 brothers but both live abroad so no regular help & my sister has a toddler so she is also stretched. At night both my teens have sports hobbies so we spend a lot of time dropping them off and picking up and we try and get help and get lifts as much as we can but by time I get dinner homework etc sorted it's a bit late to go to the home and she is usually asleep quite early. The best time to catch her awake is in the mornings. Would it be unreasonable to take a few weeks off work & get a sick line just to go and sit with her in the mornings. She is not desperately ill or at end stage or anything but I just feel sometimes that I should be there more and have more quality time with her rather than a quick visit twice a week. We are coming up to the end of financial year at work where there is a big workload for our team and I already have 1 lady off long term sick but she is about to come back so its not really an ideal time for me to go off but I don't want to look back and regret that I spent this time at work when Mum was still semi aware and able to enjoy music & being read to. I was/am very close to my mum and have been really devastated by her illness. Last year she fell in the house and I took a month off while she was in hospital and moved to the home but thats the only time I have had off. I am lucky we have very supportive policies and I could get up to 6 months off full pay. I don't want to use this full amount but I am thinking a month or so could be ok as would need to keep some time in case she really was seriously ill later on. I know the doctor would give me a line for family stress that's what I had the last time and I am on medication for stress/anxiety. Its just all such a juggling act at times and I never feel that I am doing that great a job for Mum or the kids or my elderly dad who my sister and I also look after.

My DH is great he is here and helps with everything but he can often work away and this week its Mums birthday and I need to work then next week DH is away for work and think its just tipped me over the edge. I can't reduce my hours at the moment as we are only allowed one change in 12 months and I increased back to full time last June when Mum went into the home to aid our own finances which are always stretched but that could be something I could look at in June again. Before I worked 4 days and took Mum to a music group on my day off. AIBU to go off sick with stress? xxx

I'm sorry to hear about your mum. I wouldnt think you'd qualify for unpaid parental leave because she is in a care home with 24hr care! Its not like she is in her own home, with no carers and needing full time support from yourself.

As someone else said, could the teens get a bus to their sports or (if you have one) your partner help out more with the picks ups etc? My nan is also much better in the mornings and is often awake at 6-7am. Could you visit at that time, spend 4hrs with her helping with breakfast, getting dressed etc, then return home at 10am and start working from home then?

Hi just to clarify - I've never said I would "lie" to go off sick. I have been diagnosed with stress/anxiety and my GP knows me well through all the appointments with my parents. All I was asking was if the situation I am in would qualify as sick leave for stress. That's it. I would not be going into the doctor and making things up , I've only had a sick line once in my life for stress when my mum was seriously ill and only for 4 weeks, I used holidays for a week and probably went back before I was ready as felt guilty about being off. I've worked part time for years to help my parents. I think its more of a struggle being full time.

@dairyfairies you should have been signed off imo. I have been signed off for 9 months with ‘family related stress’ and the GP was happy to do it. 6 months was full pay from my employer. We’ve managed an additional 3 months unpaid.

My DH has got OCD and was completely debilitated by it. He couldn’t even go to the toilet by himself or do anything. I had to care for him like he was a baby, whilst also having 2 young DC. My work were absolutely fantastic. They tried to gave me flexible hours and did everything they could. Unfortunately we can’t work from home in my job.

However he needed me more and more during the day and it just wasn’t sustainable. My manager eventually advised me to be signed off.

I am going back to work in a few weeks and my DH is much better. I am very grateful for the support from my work place and I want to repay them with hard work and loyalty.

I know I’ve been very lucky. They are a big organisation and could absorb my absence. My manager knew what I was going through as her own partner has bipolar. HR obviously also knew the absence was due to ‘carer’s stress’ and it was fine. I had been working there 4 years so they knew I was a good worker and not just taking the piss. I have over 25 years still to work and will try to stay with my company if possible.

OP I think you should do it.

ilovesooty - the OP has been diagnosed with an illness. She isn’t lying. She is clearly very stressed.

It doesn't sound like a good solution to me. In a month's time you're likely to be in the same position and in 5 years time you could be in the same position. You need to find a more long-term solution.

Changing your work pattern with a formally or informally to the use of flexi time so that a couple of times a week you work evenings instead of mornings sounds the best option to me. I know you say you can't do that because your team needs you you but they will still need you if you go off sick for a month and it's better for them to only have to wait a few hours for you to return than weeks and weeks.

I had a similar situation. It might feel like you want a chunk of time off now but if you manage to arrange a longer term solution with your employer (reduced hours or flexible working), this may alleviate some of your anxiety. Asking for 3 weeks off sick isn’t a long term solution and at the end of this period you’re back to square one and may find your employers are less receptive to further requests. By all means take time off now with stress but thinking longer term should be a priority. Some have suggested carer’s leave but I would check if you’re eligible as she’s in a care home.

My DM was ill with Alzheimers and I made sure I went in every single week (even when car went and we waited 3 weeks for a replacement!) 3 hours on the bus!I get what you are saying but I think even if you could go in every day to her it will still feel like its "not enough" DM was always pleased to see me but mostly thought I was a friend of hers! I would say who I was and she would laugh .Rarely she would remember me and that was always good when she did.I dont know if you can get time off really .Also many Care homes are busy in the mornings ,doing cleaning showering patients and so on .Lunch is often served early too as most people will visit in the afternoons .