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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to deal with a difficult mil?

24 replies

Jellycat777 · 18/02/2020 12:22

So background... Mil has always been difficult, but the more time goes on, the more I realise she has serious narcissistic traits.
Shes never been diagnosed, but she does have serious mental health issues.

Since having our DS, these behaviours have got worse, and she uses our son as a sounding board (he's 17 months) which I'm not happy about. She says negative things about us to DS, in a way that is a dig at me and OH.
'oh *name loves me don't you, least you love me, noone else does'
'daddy doesn't want to work in a warehouse, he's better than that'

She comes once a week minimum to help with DS while I work.
She insists on interacting with him 100% of the time, shouting, lots of noise, so by the time she is gone I'm left with a hysterical baby who has been over stimulated.

She has no regard for his routine, does what she likes when she likes, doesn't let him nap because she's over the top with him all the time.
She came at 1pm yesterday, nap time, so she took him off in the pram, said he had slept for 50 mins, when questioned, it was 40 mins, I don't believe he slept at all.
By 6.45pm he was falling asleep sitting up next to me (bedtime normally 7.30).
Consequently we had an awful night with him because he hadn't slept.

The week before she came round on the day she usually does even though I wasn't at work, hadnt been feeling well so was in the bath at 3pm, she got the arse that I didn't say hello to her from the bath.
Oh and Mil went for a walk, they didn't get very far before she crossed over and walked back towards her car and left.
Then turned up banging on our windows and door at 9pm!

There's lots more examples of her behaviour... I won't bore you!

It's becoming really difficult to manage her, and also getting my OH on board with setting boundaries, as he's beginning to realise but she's still his mum at the end of the day.

I just want to cut her off but I know I can't do that.
Please any advice?!

OP posts:

AriadnesFilament · 18/02/2020 12:34

You don’t deal with her; OH does.

billy1966 · 18/02/2020 12:35

Why would you allow her to have charge of your child?

Make other arrangements for childcare.
You need to put your childs welfare first.

Your child needs you to put him first.

Original poster

Jellycat777 · 18/02/2020 12:37

At present she doesn't have sole care of him... No way.
My OH is around that particular day of the week, she just comes to help as he's off work with a health condition.

She often wants to take him out unattended, which is fine, but she's gone for hours walking with him, doesn't let him sleep on the walk, gone for 2 hours when she said to OH she will be back in an hour, and ignores her phone too.

He will be going to nursery when OH gets working again, that'll cause upset!

OP posts:

pigsDOfly · 18/02/2020 12:40

Well it's difficult to judge really as your OP doesn't give examples of any narcissistic traits.

Why on earth, if you think she really has serious narcissistic traits, and are you really qualified to judge that, would you leave your child in her care?

Whatever the case, you clearly don't like the way she's interacting with your child, and yes, she does sound irritating, so stop using her as child care would be the first thing to do.

champagneandfromage50 · 18/02/2020 12:43

As usual with these threads you have a partner problem. So he either has to deal with his mum or your going to have to set some boundaries and deal with the fallout as he will focus on your causing trouble and so will she. I have had the same issue until my OH finally realised it wasn't right and stood by my side and put his foot down

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/02/2020 12:45

stop using her as child care would be the first thing to do. That would be down to OPs DH! As she mentioned getting him on board that doesn't sound likely at the moment!

UYScuti · 18/02/2020 12:46

Yes you absolutely can cut her off or at least go very low contact grey rock etc

ThatUserNamesTakenTryAnother · 18/02/2020 12:47

Why are you allowing it then 😖

UYScuti · 18/02/2020 12:48

Reading your post again I am actually shocked that you are leaving your infant child with this lunatic woman, she's not fit to be in charge of your precious boy

UYScuti · 18/02/2020 12:49

I wouldn't let her anywhere near my child and I certainly wouldn't let her out of my sight with my child!

Spied · 18/02/2020 12:51

No way would I allow her to take DS out
alone if she doesn't answer her phone.
If it's one day a week and do is planning on going back to work is he really so unwell he can't look after his child for a few hours without her having to come around?

Drum2018 · 18/02/2020 12:59

She comes once a week minimum to help with DS while I work

Organise to get your Ds into nursery now instead of waiting til Dh goes back to work, if you can afford it. Don't tell her until a few days before he starts. She doesn't get a say so all she needs to know is that she won't need to come over on that day anymore. If you cannot afford nursery yet and Dh can't manage Ds on his own, and if Dh is happy to continue with the arrangement then I'm not sure what else you can do. Your Dh needs to be on board with setting boundaries.

TheAugusta · 18/02/2020 13:22

Politely call her on every passive aggressive comment. Take your child away when it's his nap time. Tell her DS has had enough noise/fuss and needs quiet. (Actually your DH should do all this). If she comes round unexpectedly and you're not happy with it DH should tell her its inconvenient and not let her in. It feels awkward but you only have to do it because she is behaving in an unhelpful way. I also wouldn't let her take your DS out if you don't trust how long she'll be/whether he'll get his nap etc.

HopeYouStepOnALego · 18/02/2020 13:30

Surely your OH must be seeing the consequences of having an over-stimulated baby. You need to work on your OH and get him to set some boundaries with his DM. No taking baby out if she refuses to bring him back at the appointed time, and especially not if she refuses to answer her phone. While she's at your house your OH needs to be putting your son down for a nap and telling his DM firmly that she is NOT to disturb him while he sleeps. As always, it's mostly a DH problem.

IceCreamFace · 18/02/2020 14:01

You need to find some one other form of childcare. Do whatever you would do if mother in law wasn't available. It's a shame she isn't a better babysitter but when you're getting free childcare that happens sometimes.

As for the rest of the time I'd definitely let DH deal with her. Also look up grey rock.

Daftodil · 18/02/2020 14:12

Have you talked to her about routines/expectations/boundaries? Who had the conversation, you or DH? How did the conversation go? Did she dismiss concerns or say she'd try and comply? Has she said that she struggles with nap time? Perhaps you need to walk her through nap time a few times so she can be consistent with your usual methods.

2020newme · 18/02/2020 14:51

Nursery. Now.

Then let OH deal with her. Don't pick up her phone calls or messages. Minimise contact.

This does sound like it might be a OH problem though.....

Daftodil · 18/02/2020 14:55

She often wants to take him out unattended, which is fine, but she's gone for hours walking with him, doesn't let him sleep on the walk

How does she stop him sleeping on a walk? Going out for a walk was how I could get my DC to sleep. Perhaps this was the case with your DH when he was a baby and it is the only method she knows. Have you talked about this with her?

No excuses for being out an extra hour or not answering the phone, obvs, but the suggestions to cut contact with her seem a bit extreme when OP says taking out for walks unattended "is fine" so it isn't even clear whether OP has even raised the issue with her in the first place!

At present she doesn't have sole care of him... No way.

MIL doesn't have sole care, so not really her fault if baby isn't sleeping. You or your DH need to take baby off and put him down for a nap.

abstractprojection · 18/02/2020 14:57

From my experience of family with MH issues this sounds like BPD, very overexcited, overbearing, no boundaries, impulsive etc. with a depressive undercurrent.

I would not leave my child in the care of someone like this no matter how much I love them or well meaning they are. Your OH has to either place firm boundaries in place when she is regularly with the child, or place firm boundaries on much more limited access.

abstractprojection · 18/02/2020 15:00

I meant to say bi-polar disorder, not borderline personality disorder!

Misandei · 18/02/2020 15:05

Nothing OP has said screams MH issues. An annoying MIL yes, but can we stop the arm chair diagnosis?

blackcat86 · 18/02/2020 15:15

Sounds like my MIL.we have a 18 month old DD and are switching to nursery for any childcare. MIL also took DD on long walks stating she would only be 10 mins round the block but being an hour (didn't take a bottle or anything despite DD only be a few weeks old). There are also lots of inappropriate comments about weight etc. I have decided the only way to stop the cycle of dysfunction is to limit contact and always have someone else there as they will lie about basics like how much sleep/food/drink DD has had. If you cant fundamentally trust what they tell you then you certainly cant trust them with a child. Remember that this is about your DS not MILs feelings. I simply refuse to engage in any of the manipulation anymore.

Nanny0gg · 18/02/2020 15:20

Well clearly it's not fine.

Put him in childcare. It's getting dangerous

Daftodil · 18/02/2020 16:10

@Misandei

Nothing OP has said screams MH issues. An annoying MIL yes, but can we stop the arm chair diagnosis?

100% agree!

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