Mum criticises partner & in-laws constantly

[expuffinbookclub]

I live 5 miles from my in-laws, and 2 hours from my mum (who lives in a remote, rural small town) after relocating from London to be nearer family. I have 2 young children. We didn't plan to be so near our in-laws but it was where my partner found a job, and I was on maternity leave at the time so my partner finding full time work was necessary for the move. I like where we live and my mum visits every fortnight for 3 nights and I visit in most school holidays. Initially she was interested to move nearer (I have no siblings) but now says it feels too big a change, but equivocates all the time. She often makes pointed remarks about my in-laws and how they haven't "had to choose" between family and home. I understand it us difficult but she has gone on about this for over four years now. My father in law was unwell for a long time until finally being diagnosed with a serious heart condition. She dismissed it repeatedly to me as hyperchondria and kept saying how my late father's cancer was worse, but how he never complained. If my partner takes my FIL to a hospital appointment, she immediately recounts tales of driving herself to appointments on her own yet if I offer to help if she is ill, she tells me not to go. I invite her every year for xmas but she then tells her brother she doesn't know if she has been invited and feigns surprise when I ask. Any hobby my partner has is dismissed "why do they do that/I'vd never enjoyed that" etc. She insinuates that I do more of the work at home than my partner (I love cooking but she interprets it as me being 'put on' and will ask if they ever make a meal) and tells me I shouldn't let my partner do 1-2-1 activities with my son, and we should fo everything as a family. I think it's nice they bond together but find myself justifying my family life all the time. Sometimes she asks "is this you talking, or partner's name". I have discussed/argued about this many times & she always denies there is any hard feelings and says she just wants me to be happy. I think I should probably just ignore it and focus on not getting upset.

I have no idea what to advise but age definitely sounds resentful and it would really annoy me having to justify myself all the time. I'd probably stop trying to justify myself and shut her down straight away but that's easier said than done I guess.

Honestly, I would stop telling her as much information about everything and keep all conversations light and breezy. Just laugh at her ridiculous nonsense-your partner shouldn’t do 1-2-1 activities with his own ds?! Mad. Don’t tell her as much, then she can’t moan about it.

She's obviously jealous. My mum was like this and I found she sucked the happiness right out of me. There's no way I could've tolerated seeing her for 3 nights every single fortnight!

She sounds like extremely hard work. I agree with sharing a lot lot less and taking her ammunition away.

Visiting for 3 nights every fortnight sounds a bit much as well. She’s only 2 hrs away. Is your DH ok with that?

She sounds like a bit of a nightmare OP. I have experienced a little of this with my own mum (who I have an otherwise great relationship with), so I think a little 'grandparent jealousy' is normal, but yours sounds much worse. Ignoring is probably the best plan, but maybe sometimes you have to get a little cross about it and snap "please stop criticising my and DH's parenting choices".

I think you need to be as honest as you can. I assume you enjoyed her company before the Moaning?

I really feel for her, it's hard and unexpected to be on your own in older age. Lots of little things, like discussing which energy provider to go for or remembering driving insurance, missing that extra mind. As well as company.

I think even though I'm not a naturally jealous person I'd also feel upset if this was me. However that is no bearing on you at all.

If she is generally someone you do get on with but this is ruining your relationship I think you need to explain again your descion for moving. Why you couldn't move near her and infact moving near people wasn't the point. Include her more and make her feel loved

I can completely empathise. We live about 2.5 hours from my parents and 30 mins from in-laws (used to be further but we moved house and ended up closer, unintentionally).
It's very obvious that my mum is jealous that we live closer to my in-laws than her and it's emotionally draining to constantly hear negative comments made.
My in-laws are lovely but we don't see them that regularly (something my mum doesn't seem to believe). I am an only child and my mum has been going on about moving closer to us for the past 8 years, since DS was born. In that time my parents have moved house twice but not out of the area they live in. I now just try to ignore it when she talks about moving closer.
My in-laws very kindly gave us some cash at Christmas, my mum had to criticise that (even though my parents very kindly gave us some too). It seems whatever they do sge can find a way to criticise.
As my mum's got older she's become more negative but she doesn't recognise that her attitude towards things affects my response to her. I think she just assumes I'm being deliberately awkward but actually I'm just fed up of the constant criticism.
I feel bad writing this as I love my my mum, but it's draining!
Sorry for the essay. No advice to offer but you're not alone!

Three nights every fortnight?? I'd cheerfully strangle my mother if I had to spend that much time with her.

Can you scale it back? It doesn't sound like she brings much positivity or fun to the table.

Mother, shut up!
Mother, shut up!
Mother, shut up!
Mother, shut up!

Oops!

You never know, it might work better than being reasonable. If she gets very upset and asks why you are talking to her like that you can try explaining again...

Tell her straight she is ruining her visits by being a moaner. Reduce visits before it's you that's feels resentment. She is sucking the life out of you.